May 30, 2017 (Jupiter, FL) - After years of perpetual success on the golf course, Tiger Woods has been in a downward spiral for nearly a decade. Since his 2007 leave of absence from golf due to numerous (43) allegations of infidelity, Woods has not won a single major. A litany of issues from his personal health to poor play have led Woods’ once inevitable surpassing of Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 majors to be an afterthought as the sports world watches a once bright star burn away.
That star was extinguished a little further early Monday morning when Woods was arrested on a DUI charge. As many in the PGA become increasingly worried about Woods’s mental health, the four-time Masters winner has started to allude to a grand scheme for his reckless behavior. Recent peculiar comments from the golfer suggest a possible, but unlikely calculated plan.
“Listen,” Woods said. “You don’t think it’s any coincidence that I’m the best golfer in history then suddenly I can’t win anything? Think about it. I was easily on my way to break Jack’s record, then golf got boring. So, I decided to put a few sand-traps and water hazards on the course of life. Make it a little more challenging for myself. It’s so hard to fail and have people not want to cheer for you. I’m beloved. I thought making those Navy Seals pay for their own meal after they let me train with them would hurt my image, make me a bad boy, but no, still adored. So, Monday, I pulled to the side of the road calmly, took a few sleeping pills, and set myself up to get that DUI. It’s all about making life tougher, so I can have a true underdog story. America loves redemption tales. You all buy this, right?”
Michael Griffin’s, the arresting officer, account of the night is contrastingly different than Woods’, detailing that Woods appeared to have wrecked his car severely, wet himself, and was unable to logically tell the officer where he was coming from.
“I happened upon Mr. Woods’ black sedan around quarter to four Monday morning,” Officer Griffin said. “When I approached the vehicle, I could see that it had multiple scrapes alongside the driver side door and its left two tires were flat. A clear sign of an accident. When I first attempted to talk to Mr. Woods, I asked him where he had been coming from. He then stated he was coming from Los Angeles on his way to Orange County. I then informed Mr. Woods that he was currently in Florida, to which he replied, 'Screw that Speith kid’.”
As Woods’ star continues to fall, many wonder how he has tumbled so low. Now weaving lies about deliberate blunders leading to the ultimate redemption story, the legendary golfer has become a punch line for late-night talk shows and water-cooler jokes, leaving many hoping that he takes a mulligan on life.
Anthony Salerno is from Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and performs with Ewing Troupe: Clementine. When he’s not working at Improv or his day job, he’s trying to talk himself out of buying Uncrustables at the grocery store.
(Image: Michael Madrid/USA Today)