June 16, 2017 (Pearly Gates, Heaven) - When we last left you Bat-friends, trouble was brewing behind the pearly gates. Gotham’s finest criminals, Penguin, Riddler, and the Joker, had been dormant for years until this week when they hatched a plot to break into Heaven’s bank. With God and Jesus on their yearly father-son trip to Reno, the Kingdom was left unguarded and the Bat-phone was quick to ring for backup.
Batman was returning to Gotham late Sunday night after apprehending Two-Face in small-town Rhode Island. Batman received a tip that the once feared villain was running a fraudulent bed & breakfast and price gouging couples. After an extensive investigation and over-the-top fight scene, Batman returned to his Bat-cave a tired and injured vigilante. Unfortunately for the Dark Knight, his help would soon be called on once again. Alfred Pennyworth, billionaire Bruce Wayne’s butler, was in the room with the Cape Crusader and Wayne when Batman received the urgent call.
“Batman had just gotten in from hunting down that poor excuse of a host, Two-Face,” Pennyworth said. “He had some broken ribs and deep lacerations on his back. As I was stitching him up, Jesus called, which is not an odd occurrence. He checks in frequently to ask if Batman needs a sidekick or has any spare Bat-gadgets. Batman hung up the phone and relayed the news to me, I mean us. Myself and Master Bruce. We were both there. Anyways, he quickly jumped into the Bat-plane and took off. I wasn’t even done stitching him up.”
Batman had been tracking Two-Face in the small city of Quahog, an hour north of Gotham. The Dark Knight had been doing recon work on Two-Face’s crooked B&B for weeks and worked with the local government to track the syndicate down. Quahog’s Mayor, Adam West [below], was delighted with Batman’s presence in the city, and the pair even forged a special bond.
“I called Batman a month ago, and he was so pleasant to deal with,” Mayor West said. “I saw a horrible future for Quahog in my crystal ball, involving a man-sized chicken terrorizing the streets and wanted to protect the city I love. Batman’s been here since, working tirelessly. His presence has kept the city safe, kept the criminals off the streets, but most importantly has kept that annoying Noid out of my office.”
As Batman heads to the great beyond to halt the wretched minds of the felonious triumphant, many questions remain. Can Batman apprehend the criminal cohort before Heaven’s bank is depleted of its funds? Will Gotham be safe during the Cape Crusaders absence? Will God and Jesus strike it rich in Reno? For those answers and many more, tune in next week. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.
Anthony Salerno is from Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and performs with Ewing Troupe: Clementine. When he’s not working at Improv or his day job, he’s trying to talk himself out of buying Uncrustables at the grocery store.