"10 Reasons You Still Watch Criminal Minds Even Though It Stopped Being Good Three Seasons Ago" by Emily Ball

  1. Penelope Garcia is really sad since Derek Morgan left and you need to be there for her since the two of you are best friends.

  2. Thomas Gibson was fired during season 12 for an abrasive interaction with a producer even though he is sometimes photographed smiling on set. How is the team going to handle things without Hotch? They need you there.

  3. The show is unwaveringly topical. “Creepy clown sightings? Creepy clown MURDER. Trans rights activism? Trans rights activism MURDER.” Not a lot of A-to-C thinking but by god they are trying.

  4. The show has burned through all logical possibilities of sick ways to kill, so the plot of each new episode feels like a blood-and-guts patchwork doll of all the pieces of previous episodes that got any kind of a rise out of the audience. “What if the unsub’s a pedophile AND HE EATS HANDS?!?” “What if the unsub kills sex workers BUT IS ALSO A SEX WORKER?!?”

  5. It’s fun to say the word “unsub.”

  6. J.J. is in such damn good shape and by god the five sit-ups and three-to-four push-ups you do during the duration of this episode will give you her abs and long blonde hair.

  7. What kind of spouse would you be if you left your charming husband, Spencer Reed, all alone to handle the emotional turmoil of his mother’s worsening Alzheimer’s?

  8. You really love serial killers and you would forgive almost anything to see more of them on your TV.

  9. Maybe you knew a real “c-word” who had an irrational fear of being killed by a serial killer and also tried to get you kicked out of Christian college by claiming that you had sex with her boyfriend, when really, you hadn't even kissed him and you wouldn't even have sex with anybody until like two years later, and maybe every time you watch Criminal Minds you think about how she’s too much of a pansy ass bitch to handle watching the show, and about how she probably deserves to be killed by a serial killer because she’s a GARBAGE CAN PERSON with NO TITS and NO PERSONALITY and REALLY BAD HAIR.

  10. The theme music is delightful.

Emily Ball is an improviser, bartender, and stand-up comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. In her free time, she likes to moderate arguments between her cat, Debbie, and her dog, Tucker.