"Trend Alert: Ulcer Naming Parties!" by Emily Ball

These days, it seems like you can’t open up Facebook or Instagram without being flooded with the announcement that more of your friends are becoming parents and throwing parties to celebrate. From gender reveals to full-fledged baby showers, preparing to parent seems like a non-stop whirlwind of excitement and cake. While parenthood may not be for you right now – or ever – you can get in on the fun by throwing a party to pick a name for the stress ulcer you’re currently carrying inside you!

Giving your ulcer a name will help you feel more connected to it and help your friends and family adjust to seeing you in this new role, as the proud carrier of a gastric ulcer. Although it may seem fun at the time, I don’t recommend naming your ulcer after someone you hate, as just thinking about the person may create added stress and grow your little bundle of pain even larger. Personally, I recommend the “Military Title/Cutesy Nonsense Name” combo, i.e. “Lieutenant Limlam." But remember, only YOU can decide the best name for your ulcer.

Ulcer naming parties are mainly being held at home, but are gaining a surprising foothold in the office environment, as well. Bonus points to you if your coworkers are battling their own stress ulcers while celebrating yours! Church potlucks and family dinners are another wonderful time to add an ulcer naming celebration into the mix. Build on the joy at the table by reminding everyone there that neither you nor “Captain Clunkers” will be able to partake in the majority of the food sitting in front of you.

If you are expecting an ulcer, congratulations! We here at Dallas Comedy House wish you all the best.

Emily Ball is an improviser, bartender, and stand-up comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. In her free time, she likes to moderate arguments between her cat, Debbie, and her dog, Tucker.

(Image: Rory McHarg/Creative Commons)