"5 Swimsuits That Say, 'I'm Over You, Karen'" by Emily Ball

Summer is a season for feeling flirty and alive, and definitely not a season for obsessing over where things went wrong with your ex-girlfriend, Karen. To celebrate this summer, here are five swimsuits that say, “I’m over you, Karen!”

Show Karen that you’re holding yourself together with this knotted little number from zara.com. The subtle pink and red coloring will remind her of the heart that she broke with her callous and cruel dismissal of your love. Shop the look at https://tinyurl.com/Karen-Knotted.


Brush that dirtbag off your shoulder with this sweet and chic off-the-shoulder look. The blue and white pattern is a gentle nod to the china that your mother purchased for you and Karen when you announced your plans to propose. Your mother had to return those dishes to Macy’s while sobbing into a handkerchief. Thanks a lot, Karen! Shop the look at https://tinyurl.com/Karen-China.


Show Karen how much free time you have on your hands now that you’re single with a crocheted bikini! She’ll be blown away by your creativity and enterprising mindset. If you don’t want to invest the time in creating your own beachwear, you can shop a pre-made version of this style at https://tinyurl.com/Karen-Crochet.


Remind Karen of how much fun you had on your last picnic with this fun & flirty gingham bikini. The pattern matches the blanket that you picked out especially for that day, and then sobbed into after Karen rejected your heartfelt proposal. Wasn’t that fun, Karen? WASN’T THAT FUN? Shop this look at https://tinyurl.com/Karen-Gingham.

Try out the new “bridal bikini” trend for a look that says “WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST MARRY ME, KAREN?? I LOVED YOU WITH THE HEAT OF A THOUSAND FUNERAL PYRES.” Shop this look at https://tinyurl.com/WHYKARENWHY.

Let me know your favorite picks in the comments below!

Karen, if you’re out there somewhere reading this, please email me back. I miss you.

Emily Ball is an improviser, bartender, and stand-up comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. In her free time, she likes to moderate arguments between her cat, Debbie, and her dog, Tucker.