#1: Lie as often as possible. Exhibit A: When your coworker asks “How are you?” You reply, “Greaaatttt. GREAT! I woke up not tired at all and couldn’t wait to get here so you could ask me that original question Samantha. How are you? Because I really care.”
#2: Experts* (see below notes) say distract. Distract. Distract! DISTRACT! When you think you’re about to be caught in a lie, this is an opportune moment to take notice of how oddly angular that corner looks, show some leg, or talk about how clingy Samantha is. She triflin’.
Side note, hating on something/someone is a great way to bond or bring a community together. (see “world”)
(Not to be confused with “Sea World,” in which love of sea animals is also known to bring people together…Unless you’re a whale.)
#3: Never quit. Take the late Michael Jackson’s advice and “Don’t stop ’til you get enough.” Never quit lying. When your friends block you, when your family orders a restraining order, when your adulthood invisible friend starts giving you the silent treatment, consequently making you look CRAZY. Stick to your guns Texans. Play the long game. Ever seen that show Big Little Lies? If you haven’t, stop reading immediately and go watch it………………………
(Phew) Great, you’re back! Wasn’t Reese Witherspoon the soccer mom you always wanted to be? I’m sorry. Did you feel bad for the famous, beautiful women drinking “lattes” and fornicating like it’s their job? Did you accidentally view this rom-com as a horrible tragedy birthed from lies in a beach town you could never afford to live in because you’re too busy living here tangled in your web of truths?!
#4: Take it from me. Use my expert* advice in your daily lives, professional and social. I’m highly successful. I have a 401k and definitely do not visit the animal shelter on a daily basis to lift my spirits.
*Those unqualified to judge on any sort of matter
Meili Chao is an improviser, stand-up comedian, and musician who lives in Denton with her cat, Miles Voldemort. She spends her spare time wearing off-the-shoulder tops in coffee shops "waiting to be discovered."