The Improvised Horror Movie is a tradition at the Dallas Comedy House. Directed by Tab Parker, the cast of ten players creates a brand new scary film each and every show. To celebrate the end of this year’s run, I compiled a brief synopsis for every movie the group has created in 2018!
[Note: This article includes some NSFW words, so please don’t email it to your grandchildren]
Week 1- “Oh No, I’m Dead!”
It all began on a dark, dreary night at a Home Depot. The manager of the store was growing more and more frustrated with escapades of his delinquent employees. Beyond the workplace, his life was falling apart because of difficulties with his wife.
In the face of multiple deaths in the community, the gang of employees made their way to a new store: JoAnn’s Fabrics. They locked themselves in the break room and enjoyed some old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and ER. Seeking clarity for who was carrying out the killing, they one by one explored JoAnn’s Fabrics, searching for answers. The only thing they found was death.
With only the Final Girl left, the killer revealed themselves to be JoAnn herself! She was frustrated by the infidelity of her former husband and decided to take out her pain on the entire town. Our heroine vanquished JoAnn who, with her final words, said the title of the movie: “Oh No, I’m Dead!”
Week 2- “Santa Sleigh!”
Our tale started out on top of a green hill, as three snowmen enjoyed a pleasant day. Their time was cut short as one by one, a masked foe melted their bodies away.
We then moved to modern day to discover Danny, a good boy who just wanted to create a camp for people to find their faith. It was there that we met our Final Girl Sippy, who was recently traumatized by a house fire that took the lives of both her parents.
Then, out in the distance, arose such a clatter as Santa Claus was making his way through camp, killing everyone in his path. He had long been frustrated by Christians co-opting the Christmas holiday that he felt that should only be about him. Sippy was facing certain doom at the hands of Santa when she was saved at the last minute by Jesus Christ! Christ fought Santa, finally eliminating Claus with the line “See you sleigh-ter, bitch!”
Week 3- “Hot Dog Water”
The year was 1978 and fans were going wild at the Hebrew National Youth Baseball Stadium. The crowd was enticed by a vendor selling hot dogs featuring “Fresh Meat,” but they quickly realized that the only item on the menu was doom.
We moved to modern day and learned about Elouise, a recent transplant from the UK. She and Butch, a current baseball player, only wanted one thing in the world: To put on a top notch production of Sweeney Todd. A wave of killing launched the school into a lockdown and the friends finally got the opportunity to bring the musical to life on the baseball field.
After a few moments where it appeared that the killer was the Assistant Director of the show, Gareth the magician shouted “The Prestige” and revealed himself to be the killer the entire time. Gareth came from the Oscar Mayer family and wanted to take out anyone and everyone that had an allegiance to another hot dog brand. Elouise sent him to the great beyond and, in a final act of vengeance, cut off his Oscar Mayer weiner.
Week 4- “Cabin In The ‘Burbs”
In the days before the housing market crash of 2008, a recent widow, along with his three children, moved into 732 Woodward Lane. Renovation of the dilapidated house was set to be a wonderful bonding experience for the family, until all four were taken out in a tragic lawnmower accident.
We cut to modern day as Jared, a recent college graduate, asked his father to purchase 732 Woodward Lane as a grand gesture to impress his girlfriend. They quickly get to know their new neighbors Sparky, Louis, Kazoo and Rose, the latter of whom had a mouth full of cheese teeth. Soon thereafter, the squad is visited by past their prime television hosts Robert Stack, John Walsh, and Dean Cain, who were trying to better get to know Louis.
One by one, the new friends are killed in one of Kazoo’s many homes in the neighborhood. Finally, the murderer revealed himself to be Louis, who was murdering people as a way to drive his crime solving family members to insanity. Persephone then stabbed him with hedge clippers, ensuring he would never leave the Cabin In The ‘Burbs.
David Allison is writer and performer at the Dallas Comedy House, who can currently be seen with Ballast Point, David & Terry, Gerald and The Rift.