Texas. High School. Football. is the latest sketch comedy show at the Dallas Comedy House, playing Saturdays at 8:00 pm. The show features hilarious characters inspired by the obsession that many Texans have for high school football, but there is one character in particular that I wanted to know a bit better. I sat down with Coach Dale to ask the tough questions and find out everything about this legendary figure.
What do you have to say to critics that say you’re no longer a good coach?
Coach Dale (CD)- You want the long or the short? Short- a two word answer my mama wouldn’t want me to say. The long of it is that the game is changing. I’m adapting and we’re trying to get these young kids to get off Fortnite, off their couch and play football. Coaching is tougher than it’s ever been.
The Cranberry County Courier reported that you are spending too much time with your daughter. Any comment?
CD- [Stares longingly] I’m trying to make up for lost time by spending time with her. But I’ve been making her watch game film.
So you don’t think that you’re sacrificing football for your family?
CD- One thing I told my dearly departed wife- who isn’t dead, she just left- is that you can get me to change anything in my life, but not football. Sometimes I try to trick Mary, my daughter, into thinking that football is Boy Meets World. Quarterback is Corey Matthews, Mr. Feeney is the ball.
Hucklefield, your biggest rival, recently broke the record for division one scholarships earned by a team. Why is it that the best college any Cranberry player has ever gone to is UTA?
CD- I would say that’s a damn fine school.
They don’t have a football team.
CD- Some of my players take their talents elsewhere. They’re the football player of an insurance company. It doesn’t take much heart to run a corrupt program. I’m up to my ass and elbows in playing dirty and I just won’t do it. [Long Pause] UTA don’t have a football team huh? Well they’re about to.
Let’s go back to the Templeton game last year. What were you thinking on the infamous fourth down play?
CD- Talking about the hook and ladder?
CD- I was thinking...Dale. This is your life, right here. And I had to reach into a bag of tricks and pull out the one play that they wouldn’t expect.
But if I recall, they were in a prevent defense and expected it.
CD- That’s where the trickery came from.
Many in the community are concerned that you’re “addicted to hot dogs.” In fact, Kenneth Coleman’s mother observed you downing seven dogs, bun and all, at halftime of a game last year. Is it healthy for a person to eat seven hot dogs?
CD- Shit that’s just a snack.
So that’s healthy?
CD- My body doesn’t run on health. My body runs on pure tenacity and it needs fuel. I don’t know if you remember in Back to the Future he put the banana peel in the car to make it run, but that’s me with hot dogs.
There are numerous reports that Coach Gary is being groomed to take your position next year.
CD- I’m, uh, putting my name in the hat for the head coaching position at Southern Methodist.
It’s my understanding that you’d be fired.
CD- I wish somebody would try to fire me. That’s like going to a Sprite can and peeling Kobe Bryant off it. That’s like Wonder without the bread. I ain’t never been fired in my life. When my wife fired me, I said, “no, you’re fired.” And Coach Gary is good, but under his leadership, he’d have the team running backwards.
David Allison is writer and performer at the Dallas Comedy House, who can currently be seen with Ballast Point, David & Terry and The Rift, as well as directing the sketch team Walker Dog and the improv team Watermelon. Previous credits include Jason: A Campy Musical, Freddy: A Devilish Musical, That 90s Show, Return Of The 90s, Sensation: The Next Great Play and more!