You were a Wells Fargo account manager. You opened 377 fake accounts. Now you’ve lost your job. How do you explain THAT on your résumé? But, if you take that position with Wells Fargo off your resume, you have an employment gap to explain. You’re really between a rock and a hard place when you’ve committed bank fraud. To paraphrase Paul Simon, “I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free. There must be 50 ways to leave Wells Fargo. . . .off your resume.”
In the travel industry
1) You rescued victims of child labor in India. You know all the great samosa shops.
2) You retraced Eat, Pray, Love. You met a really hot girl in Bali. The rest is NSFW.
3) You got lost on the Appalachian Trail. Hallucinogenic mushrooms. Awesome! You’re bringing a compass next time. Promise.
4) You failed Navy SEAL training but got your diving certification in Malaysia.
5) Elon Musk needed help marketing his SpaceX tour of Uranus. Keep an eye on Twitter.
6) You had gender reassignment surgery. Your girlfriend hated it. That redo took a minute.
7) That skydiving accident? You can’t talk about it. Dad’s funeral was moving.
8) You watched Grandma’s favorite films with her while she was in hospice. Who knew silent films could be so interesting?
9) You got lost in a corn maze but discovered a cure for hay fever.
10) You joust at Renaissance festivals. They won’t need to give you paternity leave.
In law enforcement
11) You ran Neighborhood Watch. It’s all about keeping those kids safe. 10-4, little buddy.
12) Witness protection program. Enough said. If they ask if you plea bargained, ask them if they’re racially profiling you.
13) You lead a covert mission. If you spill the beans, you have to kill yourself.
14) Somali pirates kidnapped you. You fought your way out with a shank made from a human tibia. You would have done the same for the dead guy if you were in his place.
15) You fought Twitter battles with ISIS.
Going to college
16) Your dog was depressed after you had him neutered. Vet school is the right next step.
17) You read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica. Library science, here you come!
18) You’ve always like flowers. You took time off to make homecoming corsages. It’s a big thing in Texas. Now, it’s time for that STEMs career.
19) You completed Lean Six Sigma training. You’ll be the only MBA student with six pack abs.
20) You had so many hits on Tinder you thought marketing might be your thing.
In financial services
21) You wrote a tell-all book about coupon cheats and rebate fraud.
22) You had an IRS audit. That bribery thing was a lie. What’s a Mercedes between friends?
23) You got trapped in a bank vault. The bank folks were great, not like those folks at Wells Fargo. They passed you sandwiches through an air vent until EMS could rescue you.
24) Your golden parachute failed. Confidentiality. You can’t name the company.
25) You taught microfinance for Little People of America.
In the arts
26) You took violin lessons from Yo-Yo Ma. He plays cello, so it took a while.
27) You served as president of the Gene Autry fan club. Talk about a time suck.
28) Elvis impersonator. You slipped on your blue suede shoes. Amnesia! Rehab. Have we met?
29) You trained to appear on Jeopardy. You do a mean Alex Trebek impersonation.
30) You beta tested Disco Revival Go; Barry Gibb was soooo hard to capture.
Trying out for professional sports
31) It took some time but charges were dismissed. She was lying. Now it’s time for the pros.
32) You volunteered at the animal shelter. Can’t be too prepared for the Iditarod.
33) Lamar Odom, man. You gave up drugs and drinking in rehab. Now it’s time to play pro ball and be there for Khloe. They can introduce you, can’t they?
34) Prison was rough but now you’re on parole. It was great preparation for MMA.
35) You have a killer recipe for an iced tea drink. Opportunity’s knocking now that Arnie’s dead.
36) You visited each K-Mart store as it closed. You know a good blue light special.
37) You were held hostage at your mom’s Tupperware party. You escaped by faking Ebola.
38) You needed shots for a citrus allergy before working a Lululemon. Side effects. You puffed up like a grapefruit.
39) You trained for Nathan’s July 4th hotdog eating contest. Next year, man, next year.
40) You memorized the Bible before auditioning to be an angel with Victoria’s Secret. Who wants to be an angel anyway?
In STEM fields
41) You’re down to 60 seconds with a Rubik's cube. Imagine what you could do with quarks.
42) You’ve already mastered World of Warcraft’s sixth expansion, "Legion." With your help, Blizzard will crush it at SXSW.
43) You mastered advanced abacus and slide rule skills, in case the grid crashes.
44) Dr. Who. Time vortexes. Make believe? Try telling that to the families of the janitorial staff at MIT. You were the lucky one.
45) Chicks in STEM calendar. Hotter than chia pets. That Super Bowl ad with Danica? Don’t ask.
46) You chained yourself to a giant kapok tree. Greenpeace lost the key.
47) You took that stripper class so you could work the poles on Election Day. Who’d a thunk it was polls? Now it’s on to Plan B.
48) The food pantry was so depressing you ended up at the Betty Ford Clinic. You’re sober now.
49) You were teaching self-defense to disabled immigrant children in Napa Valley.
50) You accidently glued your hand to your vibrator. You spent the summer educating college students about the dangers of scrapbooking pictures of nude co-eds.
Gretchen Martens is a DCH graduate who performs with Been There Done That and Brain Wearing Pants. When she’s not working as an executive coach and trainer, she writes satire for her blog www.PotatoNationUSA.com. She is finishing her first play, sanINity, an irreverent look at losing a loved one to mental illness.