#Ashtag Week 14: Endosperm and Ivory

This is a tagua nut carving. Who knew endosperm could be so cool? Well, hello, week 14. Since we've created a bit of a tradition by discussing the traditional anniversary gifts, let's just start with that. According to http://www.happy-anniversary.com/year-of-marriage/year-fourteen.html, ivory and/or gold are our celebratory materials this week. This is also the site where I learned of the tagua nut, an ivory palm endosperm often used to replicate elephant's ivory. And they say only fluffy learning occurs on #ashtag! Endosperm! Take that, "they"!

Alright, I got a little too excited and overzealous with the exclamation points. Let's bring it back down to the ground floor. Sports are still popular. Cool. So, that new iPhone is awfully popular, eh? The new iOS is one of the top Google searches this week. Mostly because it's been laden with bugs and glitches. Apple is working on fixes for iOS 8.1, which seems to really only be glitchy for those updating their iOS without upgrading their iPhone. Rookies. I'm sorry for the name-calling; I no longer have an iPhone. If you're experiencing problems with iOS 8.1, I sympathize and again, my apologies for the "rookies" remark.

Banksy's newest piece, "Pierced Eardrum," is also a top search on Google this week. It was vandalized. Someone splattered paint on it. In the past 45 seconds between this sentence and the last, I had a debate about whether street art can be vandalized. There were a lot of words like mural, layers, artistry, and hoopla bouncing around in my head during my brain's discussion with itself. I landed on the decision that yes, it can be vandalized. Duh. I feel like a dummy for even telling you that I had that internal debate. I haven't watched Exit Through the Gift Shop. What do I know?

The Beef way back when.

The new Shia LeBeouf movie, Fury, was another top search on Google this week. I haven't seen this or Gone Girl or any recent releases actually. Does anyone want to join me for a movie night? Hit me up. I'll bring some toasted endosperm (I could've just said coconut, but let's get the full use out of endosperm, while we have it) and other snacks and sneak them in via my large granny purse. You in? Would you be more inclined to go with me if I had said Brad Pitt's new movie, Fury, instead of mentioning the Beef? It's too late. I mentioned him and there's no going back. I'll just go to the movies alone. Just me and my endosperm (#5).

One of the top hashtags this week is #askbeau. Like I've said before, hashtags don't come with definitions. They require digging. And dig, I did. Forget endosperm, this is the kind of education that #ashtag was made for. The Beau in #askbeau is Beau Brooks, a member of The Janoskians. Don't worry, I've never heard of these things either. Janoskian is an acronym for Just Another Name OSilly Kids IAnother Nation. If I were to base my knowledge solely on YouTube research, I would assume the Janoskians to be just another boy band that I've never heard of. The video for their hit song, "Set This World On Fire," would likely lead you to the same conclusion. But according to Wikipedia, this set of five boys is a "YouTube comedy group" who started out posting videos of pranks, gross-out humor, and "sleazy, offensive and intimidating behaviour around babies and women." For the sake of our collective education into what is cool on the Internet, I subjected myself to more of their videos. I tried to find the funny ones. I couldn't make it through any of them. I was afraid my face would get stuck in my disappointed look if I kept watching.

To conclude this week, I'd like to tell you that I had to fire my assistant in the Kardashian game. I was also blackmailed by a paparazzi, but the game had me pull the ol' get the villain to admit his plan and reveal your tape recorder at the end trick. He lost. I'd say I won, but the fact that I'm still playing this game proves otherwise. #yesweallknowthatishouldbeevenmoreashamedofmyselfendospermbamthats8

Ashley Bright is a writer/performer at Dallas Comedy House. She’s a graduate of and an instructor for the DCH Improv Training Program. You can see her perform every weekend at Dallas Comedy House.