6:00 AM: Wake up to my iPhone alarm blaring Loretta Lynn’s “The Pill.” Get up after two rounds of snooze; I promptly forget that this was both a wake-up and a reminder.
7:13 AM: Pass by a billboard on my morning commute that I rented after watching Three Billboards. It’s the simple black text asking, “Did you take your pill?” on a red background, because, periods! I begin digging through my purse, but before I find my pill pack a Ford Fiesta cuts me off.
8:00 AM: Arrive at work and walk by “Here, Look at This Cute Thing My Baby Did On My Phone” Debra’s office; remember how annoying she and her baby are and remind myself to take my pill as soon as I get to my desk.
9:06 AM: During my 9:00 AM presentation, run across the slide I slipped into my PowerPoint to remind me to take my pill; quickly move past it and tell myself I’ll take it as soon as my presentation is over. Deflect questions about what that slide meant.
10:27 AM: Receive text message from my boyfriend who really doesn’t want a baby, but also really doesn’t want to wear a condom. Briefly remember that I need to take my pill, then forget when I see an e-mail from Sheila.
12:11 PM: Head to the break room for lunch. For meal prep this week I bought five Lean Cuisines and put motivational Post-it notes on them. Today’s says “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” I remember I definitely don’t want a baby to happen to me right now and decide I’ll react to this note by taking my pill. Not right now, but after I finish lunch. Carl sees me on my walk back to my desk and asks about a report. After he leaves I know I’m forgetting something, but I can’t remember what it is.
1:00 PM: Notice the photo on my desk of my whole family with my niece and nephew in the center. Remember that time my sister described her vaginal prolapse as “like turning your purse over and having everything fall out.” I turn over my own purse to find those tiny body-baby-proofin’ pills. My phone rings before I find them.
2:07 PM: Google “Does it hurt to get an IUD?” Read a Cosmo article that explains thirteen different women’s experience with it, then remember that time my friend told me that she went to get one with her friend and she could hear her screams from the waiting room.
3:20 PM: Walk to the break room to get my afternoon snack--a single, cold, Oscar Mayer wiener. I plan to push my pill into it like I do when my Goldendoodle has to take her meds, but I’m so hungry that I devour the dog before I make it back to my purse to get my pill. I notice a coworker has seen me do this so I shrug and say “Protein!”
5:27 PM: Pass by the second billboard I rented on my commute home (the third one is on my way to Saturday morning yoga). Suddenly “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” comes on the radio and I begin a duet with Whitney that takes my full attention.
7:30 PM: Have a bowl of cereal for dinner. The milk reminds me I need to do something, but I can’t remember what it is.
8:20 PM: Consider finally watching The Handmaid’s Tale. I’ve been putting it off because isn’t real life depressing enough? I’ve definitely heard enough about it from friends to be glad that no one’s forcing me to have a baby. Except maybe myself--did I take my pill today? I could check the pack but I’ve already started an episode of Friends, the one where something funny happens.
10:00 PM: Retire to bed. I lie there, reflecting on my day. Wait--did I take my pill? I arise to find my purse. Tuesday’s pill is still there, so I pop it out. I swallow it. I realize it’s 10:17 pm--the exact same time I’ve taken my pill for the past five months. I smile to myself, knowing that consistency is the key to remaining baby-free.
Jonda Robinson is a writer and performer living in Dallas, TX. She loves the way she feels in a ladies' cut polo.