Satire

"Pow! Zap! Blam! Batman!" by Anthony Salerno

June 16, 2017 (Pearly Gates, Heaven) - When we last left you Bat-friends, trouble was brewing behind the pearly gates. Gotham’s finest criminals, Penguin, Riddler, and the Joker, had been dormant for years until this week when they hatched a plot to break into Heaven’s bank. With God and Jesus on their yearly father-son trip to Reno, the Kingdom was left unguarded and the Bat-phone was quick to ring for backup.

Batman was returning to Gotham late Sunday night after apprehending Two-Face in small-town Rhode Island. Batman received a tip that the once feared villain was running a fraudulent bed & breakfast and price gouging couples. After an extensive investigation and over-the-top fight scene, Batman returned to his Bat-cave a tired and injured vigilante. Unfortunately for the Dark Knight, his help would soon be called on once again. Alfred Pennyworth, billionaire Bruce Wayne’s butler, was in the room with the Cape Crusader and Wayne when Batman received the urgent call.

“Batman had just gotten in from hunting down that poor excuse of a host, Two-Face,” Pennyworth said. “He had some broken ribs and deep lacerations on his back. As I was stitching him up, Jesus called, which is not an odd occurrence. He checks in frequently to ask if Batman needs a sidekick or has any spare Bat-gadgets. Batman hung up the phone and relayed the news to me, I mean us. Myself and Master Bruce. We were both there. Anyways, he quickly jumped into the Bat-plane and took off. I wasn’t even done stitching him up.”

Batman had been tracking Two-Face in the small city of Quahog, an hour north of Gotham. The Dark Knight had been doing recon work on Two-Face’s crooked B&B for weeks and worked with the local government to track the syndicate down. Quahog’s Mayor, Adam West [below], was delighted with Batman’s presence in the city, and the pair even forged a special bond.

“I called Batman a month ago, and he was so pleasant to deal with,” Mayor West said. “I saw a horrible future for Quahog in my crystal ball, involving a man-sized chicken terrorizing the streets and wanted to protect the city I love. Batman’s been here since, working tirelessly. His presence has kept the city safe, kept the criminals off the streets, but most importantly has kept that annoying Noid out of my office.”

As Batman heads to the great beyond to halt the wretched minds of the felonious triumphant, many questions remain. Can Batman apprehend the criminal cohort before Heaven’s bank is depleted of its funds? Will Gotham be safe during the Cape Crusaders absence? Will God and Jesus strike it rich in Reno? For those answers and many more, tune in next week. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.

Anthony Salerno is from Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and performs with Ewing Troupe: Clementine. When he’s not working at Improv or his day job, he’s trying to talk himself out of buying Uncrustables at the grocery store.

"Blue Apron Reveals New 'Hell’s Apron' Subscription Package" by Anthony Salerno

GR.jpg

June 9, 2017 (New York, NY) - Meal delivery services have put the fun back into cooking while eliminating much of the hassle. No other company has capitalized on dinner illiterate families more than Blue Apron. The New York-based meal kit service has grown rapidly in its six years of service. With all its successes, Blue Apron still sees ways to expand its customer base and has been experimenting with a variety of different subscription types. Enter the companies’ new Hell’s Apron offering that pairs the delivery of gourmet recipes and ingredients with the perpetually livid chef Gordon Ramsay.
 
Coming off his seventh season of aggressively restraining himself to not yell at pre-teen cooks on Fox’s Master Chef Junior, Ramsay has been keeping a low profile. Still feeling the need to criticize the preparation of food, he has reached out to his Twitter followers to send him pictures of their meals so he could comment on them negatively (see below picture). After a month of critically scrolling through his social media page, Ramsay was ready to put the apron back on.

“I’m was just tired of dealing with children,” Ramsay said. “It’s like you want to tell them to go piss off because they made crap food, but you can’t because they’re ‘vulnerable’. So, I figured I’d dive back into helping grown Americans learn how to cook. Bunch of fat, ungrateful slobs eating ill-prepared food. If you’re going to be that rotund, do so by eating culinary masterpieces, not animal slop.”
 
Despite the fun Ramsay says he’s been having, many complaints have been filed to Blue Apron denoting that the easily triggered chef is a little “too real." Recently a help note, left in of one of the Hell’s Apron reviews, was discovered telling an all-to-frequent tale of Ramsay coming unhinged. In the review, Jeff and Mary Sanderson of Bloomington, Indiana, claim that Ramsay berated them for hours after a failed meal and may have even forced the family from their home.
 
“We were so excited to have Gordon come to our home,” Jeff said. “Everything was going well, just a few quips about me not being able to slice onions like a ‘grown man who’s fathered children.’ Then we took the finished tomato-saffron risotto out of the oven and served it to Chef. He went ballistic and asked us to take off our aprons and leave his kitchen. Mary and I were so terrified, we did. We left the whole house. We tried to get back in, but he locked the doors. Now he just disappointingly stares at us with his arms crossed from our front window. It’s been two days. We just want to go home.”
 
Despite the Sanderson’s story, Blue Apron has publicized that their innovative Hell’s Apron package has been a huge success with their subscribers. Ramsay’s appearances are currently booked out two years in advance and counting. One Blue Apron official noted that wait time will likely decrease once the company can “remove” the irate chef from the Sanderson’s home.

Anthony Salerno is from Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and performs with Ewing Troupe: Clementine. When he’s not working at Improv or his day job, he’s trying to talk himself out of buying Uncrustables at the grocery store.

(Top image: Photo Ashley Kline/NBCUniversal. Middle image: Twitter)