Comedy Centerfold: Andrew Hamer

Each week, or maybe every other week if we’re lazy, we’ll feature a Dallas Comedy House performer and get to know him or her a little better by using questions that Playboy centerfolds are usually asked. If you’d like to volunteer to be a centerfold before we come for you, email us and let us know. The only requirement is that we need a full-length, CLOTHED, photo of yourself for, you know, the centerfold part. Andrew HamerAndrew Hamer is our latest Comedy Centerfold. You may be thinking, "I wonder how often Andrew gets asked if it's Hamer-time." Sadly, Andrew doesn't answer that question in his profile. He does, though, offer a new interpretation of The Giving Tree, exposes his love for Taylor Swift, and expresses his desire to catapult a dog. You know, typical Hamer-time stuff. You can see Andrew in person, maybe even talk with him, when he performs with Roadside Couch or Kyle & Drew. Check out the calendar for their upcoming shows.

Hometown? Fort Worth, Texas

Guilty Pleasures? I sing/play Taylor Swift songs on guitar or piano. Just for me. In my room. You know, typical 30-year-old dude stuff.

Ambitions? When I was little, I thought the only three jobs on the table for me were policeman, fireman, or paramedic. Thankfully (for the citizens I would have been accidentally killing), I found out early on that I really like making people laugh and pursued that. I also am a night owl and not at all a morning person, so I want a career where I don't have to wake up before 11:00 a.m. Right now, I'm trying to be better at stand-up, going to open mics and writing more. I'm terrible at making time to write. I really want to be better at that. Also, karate.

Best Concert? I saw Ben Folds with the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra in April 2012. I heard songs I'd been listening to for years in a whole new way and was moved to tears a time or two. Also, any concert with assigned seating and guaranteed personal space is the best. You might think, "That's a real old guy thing to say," but I had the same opinion when I was 15 so maybe I've just always been old and lame.

Favorite Book? The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. It's about a boy who has a pretty scandalous relationship with a tree. They do some weird stuff in the forest. Also, it reminds me of my mom. Because she is now a tree stump.

Favorite Movie? Step Brothers. I've seen it more times than I feel good about and quote it constantly. I would watch John C. Reilly read the newspaper.

Favorite TV Show? Portlandia is so ridiculously silly. Breaking Bad is probably the best TV has ever been. I know people say that about Downton Abbey, but I'll never watch it because it sounds like a show about old ladies looking at each other's vaginas and that sounds horrible.

Pets? I have two Boston terriers from the same litter. Their names are Simon and Garfunkel. Should have thought that through a little better, because nothing feels as stupid as walking around a crowded dog park shouting, "GARFUNKEL!" My wife also rescued a Maltese  He doesn't have any teeth and basically has to be spoon-fed soft-serve ice cream dog food. He doesn't like to be petted or looked at. He's basically the worst. I fantasize about catapulting him like 1,000 miles away. And before you get mad at me - I LOVE DOGS. It's just that's how badly this dog sucks.

Foods I Crave? Chipotle, Chick-Fil-A, pizza, cheeseburgers…typical fat guy stuff. I wish I craved healthier foods, but nobody craves healthy foods because healthy food sucks. Don't let anyone wearing yoga pants not currently in a yoga class tell you any differently. They just wish they were as brave as you to eat delicious food.

People I Admire? My mom, Louis CK, Ben Folds, Martin de Maat, Rosa Parks

Dream Role? I haven't been in much. I was the romantic lead in a college film BUT IT WAS ALL A DREAM. "Just kidding nerd! Nobody could love you!" (I think that was the last line in the film). I think it'd be fun to do something really action-y. I want to be Jack Bauer.

Favorite Song to Sing? "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond "Short People" by Randy Newman That song in all the commercials that goes, "SOMEBODY LEFT THE GATE OPEN" - but only while I'm rollerblading. [Editor's Note: The song is "Into the Wild" by LP.]

Good First Date Idea? I would say something like "nice dinner and something culture-y like a museum," but in reality if dating is a commercial for what you have to offer the other person, what your lives would be like if you were together, shouldn't it be more honest? That's why I say your first date should go more like this: couch date at home, eat Chinese takeout at the coffee table watching an episode of Law & Order she's seen three times, fart in front of her, and make her do your laundry because "she's better at that kind of stuff." If there's a second date after that, propose to that woman on the spot. She's the one.