"Coworker Still Wearing Event Wristband from the Weekend" by Anthony Salerno

May 19, 2017 (Plano, TX)Nearly three whole days into the work week and your office coworker, Brian, is still wearing his “Over 21” paper wristband he presumably received over the weekend. As the self-named office “fun guy,” Brian has come to work on previous Mondays wearing wristbands and stamps from local bars and concerts, but these accessories are usually shed from his wardrobe by Tuesday. Brian appears to be making sure everyone in the office knows that he, indeed, went out and had a few drinks with his friends over the weekend.

According to Cheryl in Human Resources, Brian is “really struggling” with the fact that his days of Alpha Pi are slipping away. As a senior at Arizona State University (ASU), Brian was elected as Alpha Pi’s president and oversaw all the chapter’s campus events. He organized everything from the fraternity’s Naked Mile run to its Don’t Break the Seal party, affectionately known for free beer at a local pub if no one used the restrooms for the evening. Three years removed from his days at ASU, the entry-level temp position he holds is a harsh comparison to his glory days.

Many officemates are comparing Brian’s current wristband epic to Monica from Accounts Receivable hospital band saga. For two weeks last summer, Monica wore her hospital bracelet after going on an abrupt medical leave before Memorial Day weekend. Many assume this was her way of solidifying a made-up medical story to add an extra day off, but Monica is quick to point out that, “You’d want people to know if you had an emergency appendectomy, too, ass.”

When questioned about the wristband earlier this morning, Brian said, “Oh whoa, I didn’t even realize I still had it on! I’ve been pretty busy this week so I haven’t found time to take it off. Got back to the gym, had a few Tinder dates, and I’ve been practicing my new product pitch for Shark Tank. It’s called Frat Chat, for lonely fraternity dudes to know when another lonely bro wants to hang out. Hey now that you mention it, me and my buddies did go to a pretty chill Dave Matthews concert on Saturday. It was an acoustic set. Dave was playing guitar and whispering into the microphone. It was a special night, man.”

It’s unclear when Brian will remove this subtle reminder of his social life, but many in the office are inferring that it has begun to smell. It’s important to know that the wristband doesn’t just reflect on Brian’s life outside the office, it’s a cautionary tale for all Alpha Pis. When you burn too bright in college, the flame of life is harder to sustain. Also, if you’re burning in college, please see the campus physician and have that looked at.

Anthony Salerno is from Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and performs with Ewing Troupe: Clementine. When he’s not working at Improv or his day job, he’s trying to talk himself out of buying Uncrustables at the grocery store.

(Image: L.A. the Blog)