May 5, 2017 (Exuma Islands, Bahamas) – Last weekend should have been magical for many college students. No, not because they just graduated from their local university with a degree in communications, no job, and a mountain of student loans. It should have been unforgettable because of Fyre Festival. The festival had looked to bring young adults from all over the country down to the Bahamas for a weekend full of music and recreational drug use; however, what they found was not the party that had hoped for.
Fyre Festival was promoted by attractive models to be a music oasis in the Bahamas, where festivalgoers would stay in luxurious villas and eat gourmet food for a small price tag of $12,000. Who was the main founder of the festival? What’s the first name you think of when you think “luxury”? Was it Ja Rule? It wasn’t? Well, the main founder of the festival was indeed Ja Rule. Yes, the average-at-best rapper who was popular in the early 2000s. Possibly the first mistake the festival organizers made was taking a meeting with Ja Rule that was centered around anything but how he tricked Jennifer Lopez into dating him.
When people did start to arrive on the Exuma Islands for the festival, they were greeted with FEMA-style refugee tents, not luxurious villas, and cheese sandwiches, not gourmet food. Many felt duped, including Jessica Kerner and Jenny Perkins, two career-oriented women just trying to run from spreadsheets and that creep who stares at them in the gym a little too long every time they’re on the treadmill.
“We were looking for a break from our boyfriends,” Kerner said. “We both recently moved in with them and didn’t realize they would be around all the time. I mean, I love boyfriend Ben, but he may be the most annoying person I know. Anyways, we decided to come down here get some sun, lay on the beach, and see a few good concerts, but no, crap-town down here, too. I went in the ocean a couple of minutes ago and a freaking pig swam by. Who even knew pigs could swim? Anyways, this has been a disaster. At least we’re on a beach and I snuck a crap-ton of vodka in my shampoo bottle.”
When questioned about the unsuspected conditions, Perkins replied, “Yeah, they’re not great, but, I mean, oh well.”
Both Kerner and Perkins have joined a $100 million class-action lawsuit against Ja Rule and Fyre Media hoping to receive justice from their harrowing experience of being stranded on a beach in the Bahamas. Ja Rule and his defense team don’t appear to be worrying about any pending lawsuits at the moment, citing specific Purchaser Agreement clauses. When asked about the looming litigation, Ja Rule yelled, “Murder Inc.”
Anthony Salerno is from Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and performs with Ewing Troupe: Clementine. When he’s not working at Improv or his day job, he’s trying to talk himself out of buying Uncrustables at the grocery store.