How to Turn Your NCAA Bracket Around and Win (not $1 billion but) Some Money

NCAA Elite 8: North Carolina Tar Heels v Oklahoma Sooners By Sarah Mowery

If you’re anything like me, you were irrationally excited when you heard that Warren Buffett would be offering a $1billion prize to anyone who could fill out the perfect NCAA Tournament bracket this year. What, so all I gotta do is pick out the winners of some games and if I guess right I’ll be set for life? Uh, yeah, you can count me in.

In a sea of misleading statistics and regular season records, one must step back from the chaos and look at what really matters in order to make the best picks. So, naturally, I chose the only surefire method for filling out my bracket, which I like to call “Which mascot would win in a battle to the death?” The answer is not always as clear as it sounds (I’m lookin’ at you, Ohio State ‘Buckeye’ and Dayton ‘Flyer’), but I managed to come up with a product of which I felt I could be proud.

But, if you’re anything like me, your bracket is now royally screwed, or as it shall henceforth be known, Duked. According to the trusty Capital One March Madness Bracket Challenge leaderboard, my overall rank is 775,130th, and I’m stuck here on the sidelines with nothing to do but wonder what color ribbon they give out for that.

Hope is lost for any of us to win 1/64 of Warren Buffett’s net worth (USA Today says the last perfect bracket was busted two days ago), but that doesn’t mean you can’t still win that $100 you bet your in-laws!  It’s too late to change your picks, so why not try controlling the outcomes? All you need to do is cling on to these old foolproof tricks I found on the Internet (it’s demeaning to call them superstitions, OK?) and harness enough good luck to win it all.

  1. Knock on wood. Every time you see a piece of wood, take a few seconds to go knock on it. But be thorough – for every piece of wood you miss, Louisville will miss a free throw.
  2. Cross your fingers while watching the games. Try to have a buddy nearby who can help you unbutton your pants when you need to use the restroom – you won’t want to uncross those fingers!
  3. Keep your rabbit’s foot on you at all times.
  4. Whatever you do, DO NOT step on a crack.
  5. Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have good luck! This includes those found in tip jars.
  6. Hang some garlic in your house for good luck, warding off vampires, and a little bit of that witch doctor flare you’ve been going for in your decorating scheme.
  7. If you put the sugar into the cup first, before the tea, you will have good luck, but that should go without saying.
  8. If the first butterfly you see in the year is white, it brings you good luck all year. If you haven’t seen a butterfly yet this year, this one’s for you! Do not make direct eye contact with any butterflies unless they are white.
  9. When you sneeze, say “bless you” to yourself, or make sure someone else does. Also be sure to cover your mouth. Otherwise, your soul will escape, leading to your teams’ loss and your imminent death.

It is equally important to keep in mind those things that will bring bad luck, such as:

  1. Opening an umbrella inside.
  2. Killing an albatross. Try to forgive him first.
  3. If your left hand itches, you will lose money. Kindly ask your left hand to transfer its itches to the right hand for the time being.
  4. And last but certainly not least, always remember: If you sleep with your feet toward the door, a nightwalker will steal your soul.

Good luck!

Sarah Mowery is  a level 2 student at DCH and an intern blogger for DCH. She's also a student at SMU. You can read more of her comedy stylings HERE!