From Nostradamus to Forbes, everyone has predictions about what will happen in 2017. Prognosticating the future isn’t a yes/and job for improvisers. So, after a long night of Steve Martinis and Jell-O shots, DCH staff invited Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner and Mattel CEO Christopher Sinclair to help us. Brian brought his Executive Ouija Board and golden planchette, from which we spelled out our predictions with his dexterous guidance and a few dozen Moscow Mules. Results were independently verified using Christopher’s vintage Magic 8 Ball, which he claimed Steve Jobs used when inventing the Internet. Now that credibility’s out of the way, here are our infallible Dallas Comedy House Predictions for 2017.
January: Fearing that the African Elephant might, in fact, be extinct by 2020, three years into the Trump presidency, the Republicans replace the elephant with the cockroach. The RNC releases a statement explaining the decision: “The cockroach is one of the planet’s most ancient creatures, dating back to God’s sixth day of creation, preceding Adam and Eve. The cockroach is one of the world’s hardiest creatures, able to go a month without food and withstand nuclear radiation. The cockroach is an enduring symbol of the infinite resilience of our party.” Democrats, alarmed by the news, begin secret meetings in back booths at Applebee’s across the nation. Magic 8 Ball: “You may rely on it.”
February: Valentine’s Day. The day when Cupid shoots us in the patoot and causes us to exchange tokens of love. In a gesture of Russian-American glasnost, Vladimir Putin delivers Mount Russiamore to the Rose Garden in the wee hours of February 14, once again embarrassing the U.S. Secret Service. Mount Russsiamore, a quarter-scale homage to Mount Rushmore, shows Putin, Trump, and Rex Tillerson reshaping the world’s future. Magic 8 Ball: “Better not tell you now.”
March: Frustrated with the decline of religion in America, the Pope commissions Bob Dylan to reinterpret the Bible. The Vatican releases an encyclical instructing American bishops to expect the new bibles by Easter. Southern Baptists are secretly furious, realizing that they missed an opportunity to grow market share as Americans don’t seem to understand the words of God or Bob Dylan. Dylan refuses to comment, but “Times They Are A-Changing” becomes the most popular song on iTunes. Magic 8 Ball: “Don’t count on it.”
April: Colorado, furious with the competition stemming from other states legalizing marijuana, legalizes heroin on April 15. Releasing first quarter profits, Goldman Sachs renames itself Platinum Sachs. CEO Lloyd Blankfein announces his candidacy for Governor of Colorado. Magic 8 Ball: “Very doubtful.”
May: In an effort to become relevant to Millennials, Burberry ditches plaid in favor of tie-dye. The move provides unexpected dividends as Baby Boomers, sentimental for the 1960s, abandon Talbots for the now chic Burberry. Trump tweets a single word, “HAH,” when Burberry announces it’s moving its headquarters from London to SoHo. Magic 8 Ball: “As I see it, yes.”
June: Chanel, jumping into the Millennial Marketing Madness, releases a new perfume just before Father’s Day. The Chanel line promises to reimagine those early days of being in love when you hoped mom and dad wouldn’t come into the den after midnight. Chanel Number 69: When one number simply won’t do.” Magic 8 Ball: “Signs point to yes.”
July: With visits to Dollywood flat after the Gatlinburg fires, Dollywood opens a musical, Hello Dolly Madison, trying to create Hamilton fever for the 99 percenters in the Heartland. “Jefferson Has His Eyes on You” scandalizes Dolly’s heirs with its explicit lyrics suggesting that Dolly was more than an acting First Lady for the widowed Thomas Jefferson. The play is shuttered after Hostess Brands sues for copyright infringement over the song “One Last Zinger.” Magic 8 Ball: “Ask again later.”
August: Counting on August being a month where Americans focus their attention on vacationing not vaccinations, the CDC formally classifies cooties as a sexually transmitted disease. Pharmaceutical companies race to win government research grants and find a cure before school starts in September. Magic 8 Ball: “Outlook good.”
September: In honor of Labor Day, President Trump announces a massive public works project to build the wall. A partnership between the Army Corps of Engineers and Neiman Marcus, Trump promises that this will be the best wall ever. Threatened, China hires Bloomingdales to redecorate the Great Wall of China. Not wanting to be left behind, Israel hires Tiffany’s to bedazzle the Wailing Wall. The U.N. fears that this will escalate into a war of walls but is powerless to intervene. Concrete futures skyrocket. Magic 8 Ball: “Cannot predict now.”
October: Following a full Brexit, Great Britain becomes known as Not So Great Britain. With relations fraying after Elton John refuses to sing “Candle in the Wind” at the funeral of Queen Elizabeth, Congress agrees to rename the Grand Canyon the Not So Grand Canyon. Park rangers rebel by refusing to serve Earl Grey at concession stands. Magic 8 Ball: “My reply is no.”
November: Not to be outdone by the Republicans, Democrats emerge from Applebee’s across the country sporting T-shirts emblazoned with their new mascot: bamboo. Presidential hopeful Joe Biden (working campaign slogan “80 is the new 70”) spearheads a press conference, explaining, “Basically, it polls better than kudzu and we don’t have to pay licensing fees.” Magic 8 Ball: “My sources say no.”
December: Not to be left out of the inclusivity movement, Victoria’s Secret rebrands itself Victor Victoria’s Secret. The December Runway Show features angels in shimmery bra and panty sets, sexy cherubs in low-cut man thongs, and a special appearance by the oh so androgynous Pat of Saturday Night Live fame. Magic 8 Ball: “Without a doubt.”
So, there you have it, our 2017 predictions. If we’re right, Yes And pass the Jell-O shots! If we’re wrong, have a few Steve Martinis and enjoy the fact that the joke’s not on you.
Gretchen Martens is a DCH graduate who performs with Been There Done That and Brain Wearing Pants. When she’s not working as an executive coach and trainer, she writes satire for her blog www.PotatoNationUSA.com. She is finishing her first play, sanINity, an irreverent look at losing a loved one to mental illness.