“We have great respect for these iconic characters,” said Esther Lee, global chief marketing officer of MetLife. “However, we feel we need a more ferocious brand, what with our focus on scaring consumers into protecting themselves against ISIS bombings in their local shopping malls, listeria in their ice cream, and global financial collapse. Snoopy helped us overcome the perception that insurance companies were cold and ruthless. We’re kind of returning to our roots in 2017. The world is a scary place if you have the right mindset.”
Iconic characters around the world are reaching out to support America’s favorite warm puppy in his time of need. Which raises the question, where are our favorite childhood icons now? We did a little digging. Prepare to be surprised.
“We were the hottest thing on Saturday morning cartoons,” opined Twinkie the Kid. “There was me, Captain Cupcake, Fruit Pie the Magician. Then Hostess went belly up and it was ‘Happy Trails Kid.’”
Twinkie nearly won the role of Woody in Toy Story. After that rejection, the Hostess gang was booked by Carnival Cruise Lines where they have spent the past decade entertaining Carnival’s youngest guests with an interactive dinner theater program, “Who Killed Sid Stevia?”
Spuds Mackenzie, the original party animal, was the talk of Superbowl XXI.
“Everyone loved me in the 80s, until that old geezer Strom Thurmond got his knickers in a knot, afraid I would get kids drinking Bud Light," Spuds says.
Spuds has found new meaning in life working as a historic re-enactor in Philadelphia, playing John Hancock in The Story of Our Constitution at Independence Hall.
“It’s a breakout role for me,” Spuds says. “To play one of the founding fathers as a member of the canine species, well, I think it says a lot about the future of America, that a dog can play John Hancock. We need a new Benjamin Franklin; Snoopy would be an excellent fit.”
Miss Chiquita, affectionately known as the First Lady of Fruit, spent decades making fruit fun for children.
“I was the original food pyramid,” Miss Chiquita says. “Kids loved me. They knew I was the best banana. Curious George and I would host library storytelling together.”
Victim to Hollywood’s prejudice against aging actresses, Miss Chiquita operates seven Smoothie King franchises in Los Angeles. When asked if rumors were true that a Vegas show with Julio Iglesias is in the works, Miss Chiquita said, “Wouldn’t that be fruit-a-licious?”
After starring in Legally Blonde 2, Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, is reportedly living in Cuba and working as a motivational speaker for the Che Guevara institute. Reached for comment via her agent, she said, “Drop the chalupa. It was always funny. I was the life of the party until those gorditos running Taco Bell retired me. But, now, I have new purpose and meaning in my life. As Che always said, ‘My end will be my beginning.’” I wish my good friend, Joe Cool, all the best. I hear Raúl Castro may be looking for a brand ambassador to the United States. Yo quiero, Joe Cool.”
Gretchen Martens is a DCH graduate who performs with Been There Done That and Brain Wearing Pants. When she’s not working as an executive coach and trainer, she writes satire for her blog www.PotatoNationUSA.com. She is finishing her first play, sanINity, an irreverent look at losing a loved one to mental illness.