L.A. Earthquake: Blame Battles, Bambinos, or Borscht, Not Brangelina Breakup

breakup Hollywood is literally shaking from the news about the Brangelina Breakup. CNN reported that a 3.2 magnitude earthquake hit L.A. Tuesday, just moments after it was announced that Angelina Jolie had filed divorce papers, ending her two-year marriage to Brad Pitt. Fact or fiction? It turns out that the earthquake hit L.A. at 9:43 a.m. But, Gossip Cop, credited with being the first to reveal the Brangelina split, didn’t post its story until 10:39 a.m. that day. So, Hollywood is left asking, “What really caused that earthquake?” Rumors are circulating faster than Miley Cyrus can twerk. Here are the top theories being spun by Hollywood Reporter.

8: Breadsticks Burning: Cecconi’s, a Melrose hot spot for celeb spotting, denied hosting a 29th birthday party for Jack Lawless, former drummer with the Jonas Brothers. People magazine tweeted: Lawless lawless at Cecconi’s. Gnocchi, meatballs flying. Gorgonzola and basil breadsticks beating out "Burnin’ Up." 

7: Brothers Grimm: Fairy tales are fun but Jacob Grimm also wrote the seminal Deutsches WÖrterbuch, a 33-volume German dictionary weighing 30 kilograms. “It slipped, OK,” said Werner Freud, a descendant of Sigmund Freud and chief librarian at the L.A. County Library. "Don’t get all superego on me. I’m sorry.”

6: Ballistic Missiles: Catholic feast day honoring the Korean Martyrs. Kim Jong-un. ICMB test. Enough said.

5: Boot Scooting: The Heels and Souls Square Dance Meetup hosted a 24-hour dance-a-thon with 116 dancers. “It’s International Square Dancing Month. We really got hot and heavy during Turkey in the Straw,” admitted co-founder Jerry Lippey. “We should have considered the repercussions. We’re sorry.”

4: Bone Broth: Kobe Bryant released a statement through his publicist about his new restaurant, Paleo Kobe. “Our Latino brothers know that good broth resurrects the dead. Kobe took the passing of Len Bias very hard. It was an innocent mistake. Kobe, Vanessa, and the kids are fine. A little soup never hurt a child.”

3: Bloody Battles: Paramount Studio made no comment to inquiries about an all-nighter shooting battle scenes for Fulford. Extras reported bloodshed on the set of the movie, to be released later this year. Fulford explores the 950th anniversary of the Battle of Fulford in 1066, where Viking Harald Hardrada defeated Earls Morcar and Edwin. Hollywood Reporter earlier quoted CEO Brad Grey (no relationship to Christian Grey), “With Game of Thrones winning all those Emmys, we believe Vikings will be well received at Christmas.”

2: Bambinos: Donald J. Trump, Jr. Twitter. Skittles. Enough said.

1: Borscht: Shock waves on Instagram: No. 2 ranked Selena Gomez, with 99.1 million followers, was eclipsed by Vladimir Putin. Putin shared a photo of himself with a bikini-clad Melania Trump and Anthony Bourdain eating borscht at a “private” Kremlin party. Bourdain claims it was solyanka not borscht. “As a leader in the Obama Administration, I have no comment,” said Suzette Kimball, head of the U.S. Geological Survey.

Gretchen Martens is a DCH graduate who performs with Been There Done That and Brain Wearing Pants. When she’s not working as an executive coach and trainer, she writes satire for her blog www.PotatoNationUSA.com. She is finishing her first play, sanINity, an irreverent look at losing a loved one to mental illness.