“The current election cycle has made Americans among the unhappiest people on the planet,” the mayor noted. “City Hall has been concerned about what happens on Wednesday, November 9, when millions of residents wake up to an American apocalypse. Thanks to Jake Wood, co-founder and CEO of Team Rubicon, city leaders can rest easy in the coming weeks.”
“Since 2010, when we sent our first teams into Haiti after the earthquake, Team Rubicon has been deploying emergency response teams across America and around the world,” Wood said. “Disasters are our business. Anticipating the traumatic aftermath from the current political upheavals, it made sense for us to plan a response. Bhutan is consistently ranked as the happiest place on earth. It was only natural to reach out to the experts.”
Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck, the King of Bhutan, said that, initially, he was skeptical.
“Bhutan is indeed the happiest place on earth,” Wangchuck said. “But, Americans are so deeply unhappy with the current political situation, at least from what we read in USA Today, that we were uncertain we could truly make the American people happy.”
After weeks of negotiation in Switzerland, the birthplace of the Red Cross, Wood and Wangchuck came to a compromise.
“After many conversations and several pounds of chocolate, we agreed that rather than aiming for true happiness, it would be more realistic to aim for happy-ish,” Wood said.
On November 1, 2016, a rapid response team of 100 Buddhist monks will arrive from monasteries across Bhutan. Working in teams of 10 in 10 major metropolitan areas, the monks will spread messages of peace and joy to the residents of their host communities.
“Arriving a week before your American elections will give us a chance to acclimatize,” said Trulku Jigme Chhoedra, the head of Bhutan’s Commission for Monastic Affairs.
"We have already begun to learn happy-ish sayings that will be familiar to Americans,"Chhoedra boasts. “Don’t worry, be happy-ish. Chuckle and the world chuckles with you. Inside every cloud is a bronze lining.”
Chhoedra added that Team Dallas was making up some of their own happy-ish sayings based on their research of Texas culture:
- Be happy-ish, you didn’t die of Listeria from Blue Bell Ice Cream.
- Happy-ish is barbecue that doesn’t drip on your sequined denim blue jeans.
- A bit ‘o boot scootin’ will boost your happy-ish. Stop in at Gilley's.
Some of the younger monks have learned American songs. Bhutan’s King was excited to hear monks practicing “Everybody have fun tonight, everybody Wangchuck tonight.” He murmured in amazement, “Imagine, an American song honoring Bhutan’s king.”
Not to be outdone, Mayor Rawlings announced a welcoming ceremony in Klyde Warren Park.
“We want to give these fellows a Texas-style howdy do,” Rawlings said.
T.D. Jakes’ publicist released a statement that Jakes will perform the blessing. Norah Jones is reportedly returning home to perform “Happy Pills” in Dzongkha, the native language of Bhutan. Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo will lead Team Bhutan in a touch football game against the Cowboys. The mayor confirmed that Mark Cuban will present the monks with Cuban cigars, Texas whiskey, and 10-gallon hats. Free tickets will be available at Whataburger beginning October 25.
Gretchen Martens is a DCH graduate who performs with Been There Done That and Brain Wearing Pants. When she’s not working as an executive coach and trainer, she writes satire for her blog www.PotatoNationUSA.com. She is finishing her first play, sanINity, an irreverent look at losing a loved one to mental illness.