February 3, 2017 (Houston, TX) - In six days, Team Ruff will play Team Fluff for the right to host the Limbarky trophy at Puppy Bowl XIII. Animal Planet’s mantra heading into this weekend’s Puppy Bowl is “Good, Clean Fun.” According to leaked drug tests; however, the game was on track to be anything but clean as two members of Team Fluff tested positive for performance enhancing drugs (PEDs). The disclosed test results leave Animal Planet with a tough decision to make before the annual kick occurs Sunday with some expected 10-million viewers watching.
A released toxicology report exposed that two Team Fluff members, Buttons (left) and Parfait (below), had failed a surprise test over the weekend. Buttons, a Pomeranian mix, and Parfait, a Yorkie mix, are two of the smaller athletes at this year’s Puppy Bowl, leading many to speculate that it was the desired edge to not only win the Limbarky trophy but to take a run at the Most Valuable Pup award of the game.
“Everyone knows that the winning team often all get adopted, but if you’re the MVP you’re going to the best house, with the best owners,” said National Puppy League (NPL) Commissioner Byron Malone. “It’s just really sad to see two great pups tarnish their reputations like this.”
Per anonymous sources, Buttons and Parfait received the PEDs illegally from Mexico. They worked with Puppy Bowl XI’s MVP Miguel and his Chihuahua cousins south of the border to circumvent customs and elude authorities. Everything had appeared to be going smoothly until the surprise drug test over the weekend, a new initiative created by Commissioner Malone after last year’s Puppy Bowl saw a Miniature Schnauzer shatter many of the games long-held records.
The news of the failed drug tests only confirmed the wide-held fears of many NPL league fans that the game they love was tarnished by rampant drug abuse. With direct ties to Miguel, there is broad speculation that the league may have a PED scandal that goes as far back as Puppy Bowl I. Coincidently enough, the two top performing puppies that year were immediately adopted by Marion Jones and Lance Armstrong.
Punishments for the failed tests were issued today and banned Buttons and Parfait from the NPL for life. Miguel was expected to receive enough votes for the NPL Hall of Fame this year; however, he’s also been banned from the NPL for life. Each disgraced dog has yet to comment on their punishments.
Commissioner Malone concluded his press conference earlier today with this statement: “The Puppy Bowl is a revered day in America, dare I say the world. It provides an escape from the profanity laced tirades your boyfriend will make about a dropped pass in the Super Bowl, or lets little Timmy get away from hearing dad’s drunken slurred story about how 'good' of an athlete he was in high school. That’s the Puppy Bowl I grew up with, and that’s the Puppy Bowl we’ll have this weekend.”
It appears that the show will indeed go on for Puppy Bowl XIII, but for just how long after, no one is quite sure. The only thing sure about the NPL is that there appears to be a serious problem with PED use among all its variety of athletes. What cannot be lost on NPL fans is that it appears this abuse is fueled by the desire to be adopted into a warm, loving home. Although it might take away from the integrity of the game, it adds to the real-life scenario these 16-week old puppies face: Be the best in the game or lose your shot to crap in the home of a wealthy family.
Anthony Salerno was born and raised in Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and has performed with German Harmony and Titanium. When he’s not working at his day job, he’s rocking out to Led Zeppelin and rooting on his hapless Buffalo Bills.
(Images: Animal Planet)