I wrote a blog a long time ago about how cleaning is my personal hell. Well, I'm currently finding myself in Dante's Febreezed inferno because the holidays are here and I am in a state of panic. The travel, the food, the warmth and love of family and friends, possibly seeing Disney’s Moana or Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them--I am not prepared, you guys! The words that follow come from the most honest place of my brain and metaphorical heart: I do not like holidays. Do I like the time off? Yes, give me more of that! Sleeping in and watching episodes of Steven Universe and Tiny House Hunters is my favorite thing. But I do not enjoy the traditions, themes, rituals of many of them, including Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Fourth of July, and so on and so on. Everyone sing with me! "It's the most horrible time of the year!"
I learned very early in life that I am not a traditional person. I always had a quiet problem with authority and the status quo, but it was for non-essential things like the same dinner we ate every year. Why do you keep complaining that the turkey is dry? Don't make turkey! You do this every year, this is literally the definition of insanity. Also, the distinct lack of All Saint's Day following All Hallow's Eve bothers me. I mean, if you're going to act like an a-hole because you're dressed like Satan or Deadpool, you could at least donate to a charity or something while you deal with your alcohol and candy hangover. (Side note: Of all the statuses in my social media repertoire, my announcement that I hate Halloween is by far my most controversial. I actually got sad faces for this. I didn't even get that many sad faces when my dog's stomach was pumped for chocolate.)
I've been trying to come up with good holiday alternatives for years, and I personally think that they are genius. For example, I've had this great idea for years that I like to call "Thanksplosion." Instead of turkey and pie at the dining room table, you order pizza and beer and watch sci-fi action movies of varying qualities. I am so ahead of the times that no one has caught on to Thanksplosion yet. Maybe that's why I'm posting it on this blog, in hopes that one of you out there will think, "Wow... Thanksplosion. I should make this a thing because the turkey is always dry. And I need to stop the madness."
My work in creating an environment for non-traditional holidays continues. Last year, I started small with bringing a key lime pie to Christmas dinner. This Thanksgiving, I plan to make a marionette out of a wine bottle and have a Punch and Judy type show. My family will realize the importance of my innovations in time. And the holiday season is about hope.
KC Ryan is an improv graduate turned Sketch Writing Level 2 student. When she’s not working at the day job, she is a writer and podcaster for everything that combines feminism, comedy, theatre, and nerdery. She also performs in the puppet improv troupe Empty Inside.