Pilot Point, TX—A community of bigfoots was discovered by two college students while hiking this past weekend at Ray Roberts State Park. Landon Walker, 19, and Chris Bok, 20, were enjoying the beginning of summer vacation when they happened upon the village in the surrounding woods.
“We had run out of water,” Walker said. “So we knocked on the door of the house we saw, and this really hairy guy answered the door. I was like, ‘Dude, I think that guy is a bigfoot,’ but Chris didn’t believe me. Then the guy came back with our water bottles filled and he like grunted and shut the door. I am 100 percent positive it was a bigfoot.”
Abe Woolworth, 123, is the leader of the newly discovered community. He speaks English, the official language of Squatchville, and assure that the bigfoot Freddy, who provided Walker and Bok, with water is just “simply shy.”
“We have been here quite a while,” Woolworth said. “As you can see, we have a grocery store with a RedBox, a university, a gym… Saying we were discovered isn’t technically correct. However, we are glad to be displayed as a civilized people in the media for once.”
When asked about other bigfoot communities farther north, Woolworth is brief.
“I think it will take some time for us to reveal ourselves to you and for you to get used to us. We’re going to take it slow. One step at a time.”
Field Trip Annoys Regular Patrons at Local Restaurant By April May
DALLAS, TX—Regulars at downtown restaurant, Bob’s Café, became disgruntled as a summer program field trip entered the restaurant for lunch. Bob Rice, the owner of the restaurant in question, had given the regular patrons a week’s notice, but the regulars were determined to maintain their routines.
Fifteen children and two counselors came through the front doors in a way the owner had never seen before.
“There were so many people at one time! And the noise! It was unbelievable,” Rice said.
“I suggest Bob Rice never allows something like that again,” one regular said. “Those children were out of control, and quite frankly, they ruined my lunch hour.”
Bob’s Café no longer serves parties of nine and above.
Mayor Justice of Nowhere Wants to Move Town to Canada By April May
NOWHERE, TX—In response to things deemed “un-American,” Mayor Leonard Justice of Nowhere is making plans to move his city out of America and into Canada. The mayor originally got the idea in 2010 from friends on Facebook that declared they were moving to Canada after President Obama signed the Affordable Care Act.
The past month has been hard on Mayor Justice with a failed trip to discuss cities’ rights in Austin, the survival of the Affordable Care Act, and the recent Supreme Court decision on marriage equality.
“This isn’t the America that I grew up in,” Mayor Justice said. “There weren’t men who think they’re women on magazines and socialist Obamacare and people complaining about a states’ right to fly a flag. Now gay marriage! It’s baloney. They should call it the United States of Baloney.”
Mayor Justice does not want to live in an “American that just isn’t America anymore” and finds Canada to be an attractive location for Nowhere. He has garnered support from many in the town, although most of the population has left Nowhere.
“I’m taking these good, wholesome people up to Canada,” Mayor Justice said. “Nothing and no one can stop me.”
Canada began socializing healthcare in the mid-twentieth century and legalized same sex marriage nearly 10 years ago. Temperatures can range from nearly -50˚F to 95˚F.
Leslie Michaels is currently a Level 3 improv student at the DCH Training Center. She spends her spare time riding her bicycle, playing Ultimate Frisbee, or hanging out with her boyfriend, Netflix. She still questions whether she’s a dog person or a cat person.
(Illustration by John Spriggs)