"Not So Breaking News" Vol. I, No. 1

April MayFollow journalist April May as she attempts to make a name for herself by bringing you the stories that matter in the latest issue of "Not So Breaking News." Dallas Businessmen Prepare for Summer By April May

DOWNTOWN DALLAS—In anticipation of summer, Dallas businessmen have moved away from the usual navy, black, or gray suits for more season-appropriate garments. Light blue Oxford button downs and khaki pants ubiquitously line the downtown offices and streets.

“The wardrobe change just freshens things up,” says one such young professional. “The usual suit just gets boring after a while.”

Eight other uniformly clad men nod their heads to support my interviewee.

Footwear has also changed with the season. Shoes range from tan to brown loafers instead of the usual black dress shoes. Navy sport coats are worn only for meetings. Ties are now optional as temperatures rise.

“Everything is more casual. I feel much more relaxed in the office, especially without the tie. It’s really summer!” The young businessman’s rejoicing is short lived, however. A serious look comes over his face. “I’m not looking forward to post-Labor Day when they tie us back up and put us in our suits. It really is the worst part of the year.”

The octuplets behind him nod gravely.

When asked about what else they do to prepare for summer, none of the businessmen had any comment to give.

Mayor of Nowhere, TX Declares Cities’ Rights By April May

NOWHERE, TX—Mayor Leonard Justice of Nowhere has formed a municipal militia in order to monitor what he sees as the state’s “recent militant actions.” The mayor argues that cities have their own rights and should not have to yield to a state government.

“I have to protect me and mine—the whole town of Nowhere—from an oppressive state government!” he declares. “We’re ready to fight for cities’ rights. They’re just as important as states’ rights. More important!”

Among his list of grievances with the state government are issues of property laws, state trooper harassment, and education.

“The guys sitting in leather chairs in Austin shouldn’t tell us how to teach our children. Those guys don’t know these Nowhere kids, so they shouldn’t control what and how they learn. It just isn’t right,” the mayor tells us.

Mayor Justice is planning a trip to Austin to discuss cities’ rights and to hopefully resolve this dispute peacefully. When pressed about federal regulations, Mayor Justice replies, “Don’t get me started on the federal government.”

Woman Possibly "Sucked Into the Internet" By April May

SMU—Southern Methodist University student Kate Browser, 19, may be trapped in the World Wide Web.

After finishing a final exam last Thursday, Browser reportedly escaped to the Internet. She spent an indeterminate amount of time reading “listicle after listicle” on Buzzfeed and other similar sites.

“[Kate] kept clicking link after link,” Browser’s roommate Sophie Tandeau said. “She literally got sucked into the Internet.”

Whether Browser was actually sucked up into her computer or not is still being investigated.

Be sure to follow "Not So Breaking News" for developments on this story.

Leslie Michaels is currently a Level 3 improv student at the DCH Training Center. She spends her spare time riding her bicycle, playing Ultimate Frisbee, or hanging out with her boyfriend, Netflix. She still questions whether she’s a dog person or a cat person.

(Illustration by John Spriggs)