As a woman, I posses an average set of skills pertaining to what society dictates I should do/be good at because I have a pair of ovaries. I cook, but not particularly well, and I don’t enjoy it. I can put on makeup easily enough, excepting eyeliner. That stuff is a nightmare and reserved for special occasions, such as the wedding I’m going to be in this coming weekend. I don’t really flirt, which some see as a deathly blow to my femininity. I wear dresses a lot and heels a little (see the conditions for wearing eyeliner). Above all, I am intensely and pathetically bad at shaving my legs.
I find shaving cream to be a frivolous expense, so I don’t buy it. After shaving sans cream, my legs still feel smooth, except for the parts I miss. And I always neglect some part. Ironically, this is probably because I don’t use shaving cream—something most women use to track where their razors have already surveyed. I inevitably come out of the shower patchy, which I’m never fully aware of until I attempt to look nice.
My biggest challenges in the quest for smooth legs are my knees. I’ll be putting lotion on my legs, satisfied, until I reach my knees, where oh no, what, how could this happen again?! Without a doubt, there are always blonde hairs sticking every which way off my knees. This happens so often, in fact, that the hairs aren’t even spiky, but long and soft.
Sometimes, I try really hard to be conscious of the hair on my legs as I attempt to trim it down. But honestly, I don’t have the patience for a meticulous shave because it’s a time waster, because my God, it’s just some leg hairs (although here I am, writing an essay about them)!
So I decided to invest in an object called an epilator. The Amazon product description reads: “The Emjoi eRase e60 is an amazing hair remover with 60 tweezer action discs to ensure rapid and non-irritating hair removal from the root for up to six weeks. With Precision Hair Removal Technology, removing hair from the root has never been easier or more comfortable. Dual opposed heads stretch the skin to make the process extra gentle, and the included sensitive cover hides some of the tweezers making it great for use in sensitive areas.” In other words, it plucks your leg hairs out individually. I’ve used tweezers before, I thought. It can’t be that bad. Most of the reviews I read supported my delusions.
When I got the box in the mail and carefully opened the packaging, I pulled out the epilator and thought, It’s so cute!—a reaction that normal people reserve for children. It is small and a greenish blue color with magenta buttons, so I guess for all intents and purposes, it is cute.
I assembled it, plugged it in, and pressed the slow speed button. My older sister Katie watched my eyes widen in disbelief that this thing reminiscent of an Easter egg could make such an ominous sound.
I spent money on it. The reviews said it was okay. Just do it.
I put the epilator against my leg in the instructed way and felt the tweezing more and more as I pulled it up my calf. I lied and said that it wasn’t that bad. On the second pass, I could feel my eyes starting to water. On the third pass, I became thoroughly convinced that the Emojoi eRase e60 was some sort of torture device and that there was a whole group of super villains that had thought of it, designed it, marketed it, and supported it. I thought an emphatic eff you to all the Amazon reviews that used words like “gentle” and “comfortable.”
However, I am determined to get my money’s worth out of the epilator, so I am still using it. It doesn’t really hurt anymore. And hey, I’m not patchy anymore! So thank you, Emojoi eRase e60, even though you were really mean to me at first.
Leslie Michaels is currently a Level 3 improv student at the DCH Training Center. She spends her spare time riding her bicycle, playing Ultimate Frisbee, or hanging out with her boyfriend, Netflix. She still questions whether she’s a dog person or a cat person.