Pew Study Shows Millions Get News From Shouting Bandana-Man

Robert Frank
Robert Frank

March 31, 2017 (Nashville, TN) - The current newscast landscape has been turned upside down within the past years. Most Americans used to get their news from a bike-riding, 13-year-old throwing the daily paper on their porches. Things have changed with the innovations presented by social media. Now any half-wit blogger can post his opinions and sell them as facts to the public. That leaves journalists like Robert Frank with large audiences to captivate.

Robert Frank was your normal, everyday bodybuilder who drank his protein shakes two at a time and always carried around a used milk jug full of water that wasn’t washed out thoroughly. One day after the hitting the gym hard, Frank parked his lifted Chevy Silverado next to a high-school homecoming bonfire and pressed record on his iPhone [pictured above]. For the next five minutes, Frank yelled his views on the nation’s political environment. Once his rant was finalized, Frank posted it to Facebook to share with his friends. Then an astonishing thing happened; the video was shared. Not once, or 10 times, but 33 million times. This obviously shocked Frank who didn’t realize numbers went past 500 lbs.

“Well, you see, I was real ticked off about Hilary and Trump,” Frank yelled for some reason. “So, I let off some steam and posted it. Then my notifications just started blowing up. Naturally, I was like, ‘Well gosh damn Rob you’re a national journalist now.’ Since then I’ve been posting my views on things daily. Ranging from Pokémon Go to the defunding of the National Endowment for the Arts. I feel a huge responsibility to my audience to shout about subjects I don’t understand and topics that scare me, like intimacy or t-shirts, while also sprinkling in some gym motivation.”

Pew Research Center estimates that the audience Frank alludes to averages out to roughly 15-million viewers a day. According to Pew’s survey, more than 70 percent of those viewers trust Frank and his bellowed opinions more than traditional newscasts. The high percentage illustrates a trend that has been growing for months as “fake news” stories are increasingly posted by improv comedians that are starved for attention, but are like really giving their all to the whole “satirical blogger” thing.

Whether you agree with Frank’s opinions or not, it appears that his ranting face will remain on your Facebook timeline while you scroll to see if your ex-girlfriend has been up to anything new lately. For those of you that can’t wait for Franks daily shout stream, you’re in luck and can book him in person for his opinions or motivational speeches by emailing Booking@robertfrank615.com. That is a real email address. You can actually reach out to book Robert Frank for your next company outing, college graduation, or loved one’s eulogy.  

Anthony Salerno is from Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and performs with Ewing Troupe: Clementine. When he’s not working at Improv or his day job, he’s trying to talk himself out of buying Uncrustables at the grocery store.