Yes, folks, it was inevitable. Insidious Yankee political correctness has leaked down from the north like an oil spill along the Keystone Pipeline. This year’s State Fair of Texas, which opened Friday, has been stripped of stereotypes and unhealthy food. Here are the so-called can’t-miss highlights of the 2016 State Fair of Texas. You decide if it’s worth $16.
Deep fried kale. Organic kale raised on migrant-worker free Texas farms. Deep fried in flaxseed oil. Sprinkled with fair trade certified Bengali turmeric and a dusting of sea salt. Served in a biodegradable paper bowl. It’s finger-licking good, so don’t even ask for a plastic fork.
Giant tofurkey leg. Tofurkey turkey leg using BPA-free lifelike leg bones. Coated with a light gluten-free cornmeal and chickpea crust. Drizzled with a tahini-cucumber-yogurt sauce. Served with plenty of Seventh Generation 100-percent recycled, single-ply, unbleached napkins.
ACLU Safe Room Main Stage—Forget Bobby Bones and the Raging Idiots, Nelly, and Le Freak.
This year’s main stage is rated “trauma free.” Headliners include Bob Dylan. Hey, you couldn’t even understand him in the 1960s. Hjaltalin, the most popular band in Iceland; unless you speak Icelandic, who knows what they’re really singing about. Yanni, that instrumental, lyric-free genius from the 1980s. And, appearing for the first time at a state fair, the Gallaudet University All Deaf Choir; all bets are off if you know American Sign Language.
The “It’s Pat” Experience™. Bye, bye, Taylor Swift. Experience the future. . . .a truly gender-free future. Julia Sweeney brings back America’s favorite socially awkward androgynous character, Pat from SNL. Watch a drugstore clerk cringe trying to help Pat buy a razor—Schick Extreme or Venus Embrace? Watch a stylist flummoxed with how to cut Pat’s hair. Watch Pat embarrass the trainer at the gym when she asks, “Sex?” And Pat enthusiastically replies, “Yes, please.” Yes, folks, this is the future everyone fears or hopes for.
James Michener’s Texas Stage Show. Old Texas comes alive through this historically accurate stage show based on Michener’s much-acclaimed 1,472-page book. Over five hours and 23 minutes, you will experience
- Cabeza de Vaca’s discovery of Galveston Island in 1528, bringing the mojito to Texas from Cuba
- The building of the Alamo, better known as a rental car company based in Saint Louis, Missouri
- Texas Independence signed into law by 60 delegates, 50 of whom were, ironically, considered U.S. citizens living illegally in Texas as defined by the Law of April 6, 1830
- German immigrants learning to make wiener schnitzel from armadillos and establishing the first Schlitterbahn water park in New Braunfels
- President Kennedy’s assassination in Dallas, leading to 50 years of hand-wringing and the founding of the Dealy Plaza Museum and Gift Shop
- Houstonian George Bush being elected to the Presidency, adding the words "nucular" and "stratergy" to the Oxford English Dictionary
- Rick Perry’s 2016 elimination from Dancing with the Stars, where he cha-cha-ed for Texas veterans
Tony Lama Road Kill Boot Pavilion. See Tony Lama’s new line of vegan-friendly boots made from already-dead road kill. “It’s really like recycling,” says brand manager Dirk Lama. Hand gathered by seasonal workers paid at or above the federal minimum wage, Tony Lama provides the finest handcrafted recycled carcass boots available. Boots start at $217 for genuine opossum and $334 for vulture feather, a look predicted by D Magazine to be the hottest trend of the season. For the discerning buyer, custom made javelina boots are available by special order.
Don’t Appropriate My Heritage Cultural Partnership. No need to bring your birth certificate to this one, folks! This year’s fair steers clear of ethnic controversy by focusing on Caucasian culture.
- Girl Scouts of America sponsor a Juliette Gordon Low impersonator teaching onlookers how to toast the perfect marshmallow
- Florence Henderson leads a Brady Bunch singalong
- Learn to polka and enjoy a pączki with Michigan’s Hamtramck Polka Band
- Let Cassius Marcellus Coolidge VII lead you through a step-by-step process to recreate his great-great-great-great grandfather’s masterpiece, “Dogs Playing Poker”
NOW Auto Show Featuring Cosmopolitan’s SEAT Mii. Refreshing their 1960s brand, the National Organization for Women auto show features the first car designed specifically for women. “Eyeliner headlights” emphasize the purplicious curve of headlights in the same way custom color cosmetics emphasize the come-hither curves of the female eye. Compare this to the Blue Flame Ford F-150 Raptor, where men still use “headlights” as a euphemism for a woman’s hooters. Take part in the scavenger hunt: Find the purse hook, the magnifying lipstick mirror, and the discrete vibrator charger.
Gretchen Martens is a DCH graduate who performs with Been There Done That and Brain Wearing Pants. When she’s not working as an executive coach and trainer, she writes satire for her blog www.PotatoNationUSA.com. She is finishing her first play, sanINity, an irreverent look at losing a loved one to mental illness.
(Image: State Fair of Texas)