It’s December 1 and Christmas is just around the corner. What precious memories Christmas evokes. Remember writing your letter to Santa, using your best spelling and punctuation, then putting it innocently into the mailbox…not knowing that the mailman would throw it away at the post office because there is no Santa and no North Pole? Remember your parents taking you to visit Santa at the mall…putting you onto the lap of a potential pervert so that you could have your picture taken for the family album? Remember learning that there was no Santa…that your parents, an entire industry of money-grubbing retailers, and legions of men with fake beards and cheap red suits had taken advantage of your naiveté?
Well, it’s payback time. Go to the mall. Wait in line. Then ask Santa all those questions you really want to know about him. Visit a different Santa every day until Christmas. Tweet his responses to retailers so that their social media people will have to reply. Revenge is sweet when capitalism has stolen your childhood.
- Obesity kills. How can you live with yourself, knowing millions of children look up to you?
- Are you so jolly because the smoke that encircles your head like a wreath is really some Mary Jane from Colorado?
- When the reindeer play their games, do they ever play spin the bottle or strip poker?
- Do human rights activists find it offensive that you’re always jolly when kids are dying in Aleppo?
- Is Rudolph’s nose red because he’s an alcoholic like my dad who left when I was 11?
- Do you believe in global warming? Is it true you plan to relocate to Cuba when the North Pole melts?
- Do you worry about being ticketed by the FAA for drunk driving after all the spiked eggnog?
- Did the reindeer really love Rudolph and shout with glee? Or were they trying to please you, kind of like the people in North Korea when Kim Jong-un has a parade?
- If I’m Jewish or Muslim and you land on my roof by mistake, can I sue you for trespassing?
- Do you really have elves working in the North Pole? Or is it secretly a sweatshop using a bunch of orphans you adopted from Darfur?
- Is it true that when an elf goes bad s/he gets shipped to a Keebler factory?
- Are you oppressing Mrs. Claus? Why doesn’t she get to go to the mall with you or drive the sleigh?
- Are the elves jealous of leprechauns? Have they thought about unionizing for better rights?
- Do reindeer poop rainbow poop like the #SquattyPotty unicorn? And, why don’t we ever find reindeer turds on the roof?
- Since you are a fictional character, if I shoot you in the mall, is it really murder?
- Do you go to church on Christmas morning to celebrate the birth of Jesus, or are you too hungover from all that eggnog? Or are you Jewish?
- Why don’t the reindeer age? Do you keep them cryogenically frozen most of the year?
- Do you get Secret Service protection? You’ve got to be way more popular than Nancy Pelosi or Paul Ryan.
- It’s the 21st century, why don’t you do email? Are you afraid that the Russians will hack you?
- Does your sleigh have airbags? If so, have you checked to make sure they aren’t Takata? And, will you now refuse to make deliveries in Japan?
- About your little, round belly that shakes when you laugh like a bowl full of jelly. Is it grape or strawberry? Are you aware of the dangers of high fructose corn syrup? Or, is it really more like a bowl full of organic, no sugar added jam?
- Do coal miners ask you for coal instead of gifts, to keep the industry alive? Is that a conflict of interest?
- Do you sneak into people’s bathrooms when you have to go? Do you ever help yourself to a Valium if it’s a rough night?
- Who taught you to fly? Does it bother you Wilbur and Orville Wright get the credit?
- “EVERY Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot.” Are they in a cult? Are you sort of like Jim Jones or David Koresh?
Now DASHER! Now DANCER! Now PRANCER and VIXEN! @Walmart, @Nordstrom, @Target, @Macys. To the top of the porch! To the door to the mall. Now tweet away! Tweet away! Tweet away y’all!
Gretchen Martens is a DCH graduate who performs with Been There Done That and Brain Wearing Pants. When she’s not working as an executive coach and trainer, she writes satire for her blog www.PotatoNationUSA.com. She is finishing her first play, sanINity, an irreverent look at losing a loved one to mental illness.