Welcome to our newest blog series, "So Says the Comedian," where your burning, non-comedy questions are answered by a comedian from the halls of Dallas Comedy House (DCH). A new comedian will answer questions every week, and you can have yours answered by submitting them to email@example.com. This week's questions are answered by Ryan Callahan, a DCH graduate, peformer, sketch writer, and curator of the popular DCH blog series, "What We're Loving." Take it away, Ryan. Q: How does one carry a conversation? – Stephen F., Dallas, TX
A: Pick one area of expertise or one period from your life and always relate every conversation back to that topic. For example, I used to work on the TV show The Bachelor. When having a conversation I will frequently use the phrase, “When I worked on The Bachelor,” to steer the conversation into a more Bachelor-centric area. Once I have turned the topic to The Bachelor, I can go on and on for hours. I can even make things up. As long as I preface my story with, “When I worked on The Bachelor,” people will believe it. Also, this trick allows me to talk about myself for an extended period, which is another great conversation-carrying technique.
Q: Am I adopted? – Monica P., Dallas, TX
A: Are your parents of a different race than you? Do they refer to your birth as “that miracle of paperwork”? Have you been competing in Little Miss Adopted Texas pageants for the past six years? When you were a child and your parents introduced you as their daughter, did they quickly say, “She’s adopted”?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, there’s a good chance you are adopted. Do not despair. There is some good news. 1) Your parents love you very much, much more than they would love some “biological” child who they were forced by the laws of God to call their own. 2) If you are attracted to one of your parents, you can act on it, and it is no way creepy.
Q: How many cats are too many? – Karri-Leigh M., Los Angeles, CA
A: Asking how many cats are too many is like asking how many children are too many. It is a personal question that nonetheless has a correct answer.
That correct answer is five.
When I worked on The Bachelor, I had four cats. My ex-wife and I were outnumbered two-to-one. We were able to maintain control of the apartment thanks to our size and the extra intelligence provided by our human-sized brains. A fifth cat would have tipped the scales in their favor.
Q: How do you keep your dog from pooping in your house when you leave? – Ashley K., Belton, TX
A: Get a cat. Four at most.
Q: What do you do if you have trouble sleeping? Not trouble falling asleep, but waking up, say, two hours early? – Molly J., Dallas, TX
A: When I worked on The Bachelor, I had a similar problem. I kept waking up an hour earlier than I wanted. I’d pull the covers over my head, roll over, and try to go back to sleep. It never worked. Tired of being groggy and irritable all day, I decided to do a little detective work and get to the bottom of my sleep problem.
One night, I set up a hidden camera to see if someone, or something, was disrupting my sleep. Sure enough, something was. It turns out that at 8 a.m. every morning, exactly one hour before I had set my alarm, the office building I slept in front of opened for business. The wave of people arriving for work in the morning would kick me and jostle me and yell at me until I woke up. The nerve of some people. Maybe you’re having a similar problem. Maybe it’s time to get a home.
Please submit your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.