So Says the Comedian

question marksWelcome to  “So Says the Comedian,” where your burning, non-comedy questions are answered by a comedian from the halls of Dallas Comedy House (DCH). A new comedian will answer questions every week, and you can have yours answered by submitting them to dchadvicecolumn@gmail.com. This week’s questions are answered by resident bass-playing bad ass Laurie Reaves Barnett. She's in the troupe Franzia, who will perform Friday, October 17, with Roadside Couch. Q: Best weapon in a fight if I don't want to murder someone? -- D. Allison, Dallas, TX A: Your mom.

Q: Sleep with, marry, kill: Stevie Ray Vaughn, Jimmy Page, Jimi Hendrix. -- Rob H., Dallas, TX A: This is so strange, because only one of them is alive. But let’s pretend for the time being it’s 1969.

I would kill Vaughn (I know this makes many people want to kill ME) but “Pride and Joy”...eesh. Also, he would have been 15 in 1969, and teens are awful.

I would sleep with Jimmy Page and make "Stairway To Heaven" jokes the whole time. This may be confusing to him in 1969 since "Stairway to Heaven" was recorded in 1970. But I’m a trailblazer.

I would marry Jimi Hendrix, because I was almost named James Hendricks Reaves if I were a boy. It would make a cute story to tell all our friends, but we’d have to tell the story quickly in 1969 since he’s about to die in a year.

Q: What common fashion choice that people make annoys you the most? -- D. Allison, Dallas, TX A: Pants. No need for those suckers.

Q. If people were actually food, what would you do? -- C. Stewart, Dallas TX A: I would eat the cute ones first.

Q: Chili season is around the corner. Beans/no beans? And what about if you're entertaining? Do you cater for the bean or no bean eater? -- Allison, Waco, TX A: I like beans. I do. So, I would already have beans up in this mess. But I cater to no one.

Q: Best location for a fight? -- D. Allison, Dallas, TX A: Any-damn-where.

Q: If you could be anything for your birthday, what would you be? -- Bob, Piedmont, ND A: 21.

Q: What is your opinion on Ziploc sandwich baggies only putting male-dominated sports actions/balls on their sandwich baggies? Is this sexist? Or should girls just play soccer only from now on? -- Concerned non-feminist, Dallas, TX A: I feel like balls are for everyone. I don’t think men object to women playing with their action balls. I think girls should play with whatever balls they want.

The sandwich bag is only sexist if the sandwich put in the bag was made from a librarian.

Q: One skill that you would like to have? -- D. Allison, Dallas, TX A: Anger management.

Q: Are you ever too old to like a popular rock band? For instance, if my dad went to a Black Keys concert would that be weird? -- Glenn, Dallas, TX A: Depends on the band I guess. If your dad goes to see the Black Keys, that seems alright. If your dad went to see One Direction alone it might be suspect.

Q: Best post-fight one-liner you've ever heard in real life? -- D. Allison, Dallas, TX A: “It’s just business, dude." True story.

Please submit your questions to dchadvicecolumn@gmail.com.

(photo credit: opensourceway via photopin cc)