Welcome to “So Says the Comedian,” where your burning, non-comedy questions are answered by a comedian from the halls of Dallas Comedy House. A new comedian will answer questions every week, and you can have yours answered by submitting them to email@example.com.
Q: What's a good bath time snack? — C.V., Plano, Texas A: I’d advise against bathing and eating at the same time for several reasons. I’m 32 years old, and I cannot remember a situation where I’ve been showering or bathing and thought about bringing food to the cleanliness party. But, if you must have a snack during bath time I’d recommend something that could stand up to the heat, moisture, and something that could be left out in the open air without spoiling or getting cold. Potato chips would be ideal during bath time.
Q: Who's the best member of the 1995 Chicago Bulls? — J.J.H., Irving, Texas A: If we are using the term “best,” Jordan is the obvious and easy answer. But, Tony Kukoc played a pivotal role that season for the Bulls. He won the 6th Man of the Year award, averaged 13 points a game, and shot an impressive 40 percent behind the arc. Plus, his versatility as a small and power forward allowed Phil Jackson to mix the roster on any given night. Kukoc is often forgotten but was a vital piece to that team.
Q: Is expired milk really bad for you? — A.P., Dallas, Texas A: Yes, drinking milk past the expiration date can cause food poisoning from unhealthy bacteria that may have grown in the milk. If you have ever had food poisoning before, you know what hell on earth is like, and trying to get an extra day of shelve life on milk is too high risk for the reward. I can only go off personal experience, so I’d recommend throwing out milk past the expiration date and never buying shrimp out of a car trunk in Corpus Christi.
Q: Have we ever been contacted by aliens? — J.H., Bristol, Rhode Island A: I have to imagine that at least once throughout the existence of earth aliens cruised past and wanted to see what the blue planet was all about.
Q: I'm broke. Any money saving tips? — S.W., Dallas, Texas A: Bring your lunch to work. I do this almost every day, and it saves at least $40 bucks a week. Plus, there is nothing better than eating your lunch outside on a sunny day.
Also, evaluate your current entertainment cost. If possible, give up premium cable channels or cable all together. Honestly, how often are you watching premium cable channels like Animal Planet I’ve never heard anybody say, “Did you watch Treehouse Masters on Animal Planet last night”? (Note: Treehouse Masters is a terrific show! If anybody would like to come over and watch it, please let me know because I have NOBODY to discuss this show with.)
With so many streaming options (Netflix, Hulu, etc.) available, you can watch almost any show you want at a fraction of the cost of cable/satellite.
Q: How does a lady snag a fella? — A.B., Dallas, Texas A: It is not 1943, so don’t use the term “fella” to describe a guy. I’m single, so I know it is difficult at times to meet somebody. Be yourself, but get outside of your comfort zone and be vulnerable. Regardless of your sex, if you like an individual then simply tell that person in a straight forward, honest, non-threating way. Worst case scenario, you stay stuck in the friend zone but have at least done yourself a favor addressed the situation and now you can move on. Best-case scenario, they have the same feelings and you both find happiness and live happily ever after. A comfort zone is a wonderful place, but nothing ever grows there.
Please submit your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.