Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Last week: The annual Thanksgiving day Cowboys game turned into a bloodbath as the Philadelphia Eagles blew out the Dallas Cowboys 33-10. As expected the defense was an issue yet again this week, but the most surprising part of the game was the terrible play of the offensive line. The poor showing was epitomized by domination of Cowboys guard Zack Martin at the hands of Eagles defensive tackle Fletcher Cox. Below is a fake account of how Cox’s bullying of Martin continued after the game.
Thursday 11.27.14 [08:47 PM] The Dallas Cowboys players, coaches, and team officials joined together post-game to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner. Playing on a holiday always has its drawbacks, and those are heightened when your team gets blown out. All alone at the corner table sat rookie guard Zack Martin, his teammates too ashamed to join him.
“Potatoes again? Ugh, could today get any worse?” Martin quietly muttered to himself as he formed his mashed potatoes into the shape of a football.
Suddenly, he felt the presence of someone creeping up behind him, and before he knew it, a gigantic right arm thrust down onto his tray of food, causing his pile of potatoes to spray all over his recently cleaned jersey.
“Guess who?” The figure laughingly asked, before pulling up Zack Martin’s XXL tighty whitey underwear with maximum force. This launched the Cowboys rookie into the air momentarily, before gravity brought him crashing back down to earth.
He looked down at his jersey that was now covered with the trimmings of Thanksgiving dinner, before his gaze moved skyward to see that his assailant was none other than Philadelphia Eagles defensive tackle Fletcher Cox. “Hey man, what’re you doing in here? Eagles players are supposed to be eating in…”
“Quiet rookie, you don’t get to talk anymore. In fact, for every word you say, I’m going to nail you with a spitball!” Cox was brandishing a three-strawed launcher the likes of which Martin had never seen in all his years of being bullied. Martin began to respond, but before he could even start his sentence, the Eagles defensive tackle sent a wet wad of paper into his open mouth.
Today had officially gotten worse.
The Cowboys guard slowly stood up and gained his footing, a task made even more difficult as the floor was slick with a combination of gravy and green bean water. “Why are you doing this to me? Huh?!?” As the rookie continued to beg for an answer, his face became beet red. “Why are you picking on me?”
Fletcher Cox simply shrugged his shoulders in response before a joyous wave of realization came across his face. Cox chuckled maniacally to himself as he prepared his finger for the most demeaning act of all—a wet willy.
The Cowboy arched his back in attempt to stand tall and intimidate the bully. “You better stop!” he cried out.
“Or else what?” Cox replied as his finger approached the rookie’s ear.
Martin took in a deep breath knowing what he had to do. “Or else this!” With that, he dropped down and pantsed Fletcher Cox. The Eagles defensive tackle stood in the middle of the Cowboys dining hall, his red heart-print boxers exposed to the room. As he stumbled out, the only sound he could hear was the entire Cowboys organization laughing at him.
Finally at the exit, Cox shouted back at his foe, “I’ll see you in two weeks! You’ll pay for this!” Zack Martin laughed as he shook his head “No” in response to the threat, before he sat back down at the table.
Quickly, the rest of the offensive line joined Martin to congratulate him on vanquishing the bully. Now that he stood up for himself once, Zack Martin knew that he could take on anyone.
David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week can be seen Saturday, December 6, at 10:30 p.m. performing with The Rift.