Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Last week: The Dallas Mavericks are headed into the All-Star break in the thick of the Western Conference playoff race. Best of all, the club has finally started to see some great production out of Chandler Parsons, who is averaging 17 points per game in February. Some believe his improved performance is a sign that he’s finally getting acclimated with the system, but Sports Fan Fiction believe it’s because Parsons is excited about his acting debut on Tuesday's episode of the Disney show Kirby Buckets. Here is a fake account of Chandler’s real day on the set.
Disney Studios, 3:03 a.m.
“Excuse me, but I’ve just got one more question,” Chandler Parsons said as he walked off camera and ruined yet another take.
The director couldn’t believe that his guest star was still asking questions. Eleven hours in, and the cameras hadn't even started rolling. “Chandler, I told ya, it’s all going to end up fine if you just trust us and--”
“It’s just that I’m unsure of what my posture should look like. Should I slump my shoulders because my character has gone through a long day? Should my back be rigid because of my strong upbringing? And I know I keep asking this question, but what religion am I?”
“Look, you’re just playing yourself here. All that needs to happen in this scene is for Kirby to walk up to you, ask for an autograph, and then you reply, 'Sure thing kid, who do I make it out to?' Two sentences, that’s all I’m looking for.”
“OK, I got ya, I got ya. But like is this a parallel universe wherein I’m also an actor or?” Parsons just wouldn’t give up.
“No! You’re Chandler Parsons, the basketball player!”
“Are you sure that I’m the best man for the part?”
“I’m starting to doubt it...” The director took a brief moment to compose himself. “Chandler, we only have time to try this a couple of times before I have to let the crew go home. Can we please give this a shot?”
Chandler Parsons reached into his pocket and pulled out the key chain that his mother gave him so many years ago. On the front were the Greek masks of comedy/tragedy, while the back simply read, “ABA: Always Be Acting.” Parsons squeezed the trinket tight and nodded his head to indicate that he was ready.
The Dallas Mavericks forward reached his mark and began to do some vocalized warm-ups. “Red leather, yellow leather, red leather--”
“QUIET ON THE SET,” the director shouted. “ACTION!”
The teenage boy that would someday become a former child star, ambled his way into the frame. “Oh boy, it’s Chandler Parsons! Can I have your autograph?”
“Haha, you got me. Speaking of getting people, don’t you think it’s weird that they never figured out who murdered JonBenet Ramsey? You want to help me solve the case?”
“CUT! Chandler, what on Earth are you doing?”
“Well you said I’m playing me and that murder case has been on my mind lately. Plus, I figured, if he said yes I could get a spin off!”
“Chandler, stick to the script please. Let’s move back to one, places people. And...ACTION!”
“Oh boy, it’s Chandler Parsons! Can I have your autograph?”
“My autograph, that’s worth nothing, but how about this watch. Check it out! My great-great-grandfather earned this watch in Hanoi. For five years, he had to keep it in his--”
“Aw man, I was just getting into it, I was going to deliver the monologue from Pulp Fiction, I love that movie!”
“Two lines! That’s all I’m asking for!” The director couldn’t believe that he was still having this conversation.
“If I’m being honest, it kind of bothers me that I’m so much taller than the kid. Should I stand in the background so that forced perspective makes us look the same height?”
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? Just stop it! Why do you keep doing this? Too many basketballs to the head leave you concussed? I guess the dumb jock stereotype is true.”
Chandler Parsons was crushed, though he managed a meek “I’m...sorry” before breaking down into tears. Parsons wiped away the waterworks with his wristband and fixed his gaze on the director. “You just don’t know what it’s like. All of my life, my mom said that she wanted me to be an actor. Every birthday for as long as I can remember, I didn’t get clothes or music or gift cards, I got scripts. I tried to be an actor, I tried, I swear, but by middle school I was so much taller than everyone else that they wouldn’t cast me. My height forced me to give up the only dream my mother had for me. When I found out that you guys wanted me to be in an episode, I was ecstatic. I called my mom right away and for the first time in my life... she said... that she was proud of me. The first time! To know that I’m blowing my only chance to earn her love is just hard to take.” Parsons reached into his pocket, grabbed the Always be Acting key chain and chucked it across the room in a fit of rage.
The director saddled up next to Parsons as he finally realized how much this meant to the player. “Chandler, I had no idea, I’m so sorry. Working on set can be really stressful, and I’m sorry if I took it out on you. If you’d like, can we give this one more try? I really want you to be in this episode.”
Through an avalanche of sniffled sobbing, Parsons took in a deep breath; he was ready to make his mother proud.
“OK, places everyone,” said the now hopeful director.
“Wait, one second!” Chandler ran over to the wall and picked up the pieces of the Always be Acting key chain before running back to his mark.
“For mom,” he whispered to himself.
The hopeful teenage entered the scene and said, “Oh boy, it’s Chandler Parsons! Can I have your autograph?”
“Sure thing kid, who do I make it out to?”
“CUT! We got it.” The director collapsed into his chair.
Finally, after graduating from college, making tens of millions of dollars and attaining a whole bunch of Twitter followers, Chandler Parsons did the one thing he had never been able to do before; make his mother proud.
David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter@MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update@AlternateUpdate. He performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week you can see him improvise on Friday, February 13, with David & Terry at 10:30 p.m. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.