Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Last week: The Dallas Cowboys are NFC East champions and headed for the playoffs after a 42-7 win over the Indianapolis Colts. It’s the first time since 2009 that the Cowboys have qualified for the postseason and is especially sweet for veteran players like Jason Witten that may not have ever expected to have another shot at a Super Bowl ring. We now take you to a fake account of how one player was affected by success.
Monday 12.22.14 [8:18 AM] Jason Witten opened the door into his dimly lit garage. Though his body was bruised and beaten, the pain was easier to handle when all of that sacrifice pays off with a playoff berth. In fact, the only feeling inside him at that moment was trepidation about a conversation that he knew he needed to have.
The Cowboys' tight end flipped on the lights to illuminate a wall of outdoor toys. Golf clubs, pool noodles, lawn darts; if Academy Sports sold it, then Jason Witten had it on his wall.
“Jason! Hey, are you coming to play with us yet?” asked a basketball
“Yay!” said the water skis. "It’s almost January, which means that it’s time for Jason to be done with football and focus on having fun with his real friends!”
“Hooray!” the objects cried out in unison.
“Hey guys,” Witten said to the wall of toys. “I’ve got some bad news.”
“What’s wrong, Jason? You seem sad,” replied the yoga mat.
“It, uh...oh man this is hard...it looks like we’re going to uh…” Witten couldn’t get the words out.
“Come on, Jason, tell us!” said the excited game of ring toss.
The tight end gathered himself. “Well, we made the postseason, so it looks like I won’t be able to play with you all for a couple of extra weeks.”
“That’s OK, Jason, we all know how terrible Dallas is in the playoffs, so I’m sure we’ll see you soon,” said the optimistic pool basketball goal before high-fiving the go-kart.
“That’s the worst part; our team is really good and...and...and I may not be done playing football until February.”
Silence fell unto the garage.
The senior member of the outdoor toy wall, Jason Witten’s golf clubs, spoke up. “Jason, that’s ridiculous, we all know the Cowboys were supposed to be terrible this--”
“I know,” Witten interrupted. “I never expected that we’d make the playoffs, so I may have made some promises that I’m not able to keep.”
“Is it because you don’t love us?” begged the pontoon boat.
“No way, come on guys, you know I love all of you! Tell you what, if you forgive me for having to postpone our plans this year, then I’ll retire a year earlier. Once I’m out of the game, I’ll be able to play with you all day every day. I just need you to let me have this; it’s probably my last chance. Group hug?”
Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten, confident his inanimate friends had forgiven him, walked over to the wall of outdoor toys and gave them a huge hug. These were his teammates for life.
David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House and this week can be seen Friday (12/26/14) in the show “I can’t believe I got this S#&T for Christmas.” Bring your unwanted gifts and we’ll use them to inspire improvisation. At the end of the show, all gifts will be donated to a local charity. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.