Sports Fan Fiction: Obscure NFL Rules

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The Dallas Cowboys season is over after a 26-21 loss to the Green Bay Packers. The defeat was due to several factors, but many fans are blaming the loss on the application of an obscure rule that eliminated a late Dez Bryant touchdown. Most people are not aware that the regulation is part of a larger subset of little known contingencies that sit within the NFL rulebook.

Illegal Formation The following offensive formations are not allowed:

  • Smiley Face
  • Flying V
  • A more perfect union
  • Anything phallic

Roughing the Passer Illegal unless he likes it that way, am I right ladies?

Horse Collar Tackle Legal when tackling a real horse.

Facemask A player may not pull on an opponent’s facemask, unless they are attempting to remove dirt, but only if the dirt is from the field that the game is being played on, except if there was a college game the previous day and the dirt is from that game the penalty is allowed, but keep in mind that if there was a high school game before the college game before the professional game and the high school team has an animal or dinosauric (Is that a word? Goodell please check) mascot, then the facemask penalty is dissolved. Also there may be no facemask contact on any Tuesday game.

Too Many Men On the Field Penalty doubled if the extra players aren’t able to bring it in the bedroom, am I right ladies?

Crackback Block Legal if the player recently stepped on a crack and the object of the block was their mama.

Delay of Game Only allowed if you bring Starbucks for everyone.

Encroachment No penalty if you’re encroaching to update Starbucks order.

Tripping Illegal unless them bitches always be trippin’, am I right ladies?

Catch A reception can be overturned if the player in question doesn’t make a football move before the ball comes loose.

Oh, and a catch is negated if the team caught a break with the rules the previous week.

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week you can check out the sketch revue he directed titled “January UP!” on Thursday at 8 p.m. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.