Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Last week: The city of Dallas is abuzz with anticipation as the Dallas Cowboys prepare to host the Detroit Lions in the first round of the playoffs. With so much attention going toward the Cowboys, many fans are completely ignoring the other teams in the area. Here is a fictional account of what those other teams are up to this week.
Dallas Mavericks: Tuesday 12.30.14 [8:30 AM] Tyson Chandler yawned into his gigantic hand as he wearily strode into the Dallas Mavericks practice facility. All players had been summoned to a mandatory meeting with team owner Mark Cuban.
“Probably some bullshit about being safe over the holidays,” he muttered to himself.
Chandler opened the door into the film room and realized that he was the last player to arrive. The Mavericks center quickly made his way to an open seat.
“Great, Tyson’s here, OK, let’s go,” a caffeinated Mark Cuban decreed. He stood in front of the room with the sort of commanding presence that you’d expect a billionaire to have. His words did not match his confident posture.
“So, team, cool, we’re having a solid year thus far and I can’t wait to see what we can do in 2015, awesome, thanks, you’re going great,” Cuban said in a single breath. “Thanks for coming in early, you guys are the best, here’s what I wanted to meet about. Sunday, the Cowboys have a playoff game, not sure if you knew that, haha, just kidding, of course you guys knew that, you’re all great. The media in the metroplex is only worried about the Cowboys this week, so feel free to do whatever you want.”
A perplexed Tyson Chandler raised his hand to seek clarification. “Wait, Mr. Cuban, did you say that we can do whatever we want this week? Like we don’t have a curfew?” A few of the players murmured in agreement as no one knew what Cuban was talking about.
“No Tyson, my man, I mean you can do anything you want this week. Think of the time between now and Sunday as completely free time. You can do whatever you want, wherever, and with whomever you choose. You could even watch Shark Tank! We’ve got a great—”
“AHEM,” Mavericks Coach Rick Carlisle interrupted in an attempt to get his wired boss back on track.
“Sorry, my apologies guys, don’t mean to waste your time, I just get so excited! No one cares about the Mavericks this week. If you want to get arrested, do it now. If you want to buy heroin from a prostitute, do it now. If you want to come out and say that 9/11 was an inside job, do it now. Each one of you has free reign to do or say anything, because the media is only focused on the Cowboys.”
Texas Rangers: Friday 1.2.15 [12:14 PM] John Blake stepped up to the podium for his weekly press briefing. The Texas Rangers spokesman was used to light crowds during the winter months, but today the group of media personnel was sparser than ever. He couldn’t tell for sure, but there couldn’t have been more than five members of the press, two of which were asleep and one he knew to be deaf.
“Good afternoon, I’ve just got a couple of team transactions that we would like to formally announce. We’ve made an option to Triple A infielder…”
Before he could even get the players name out of his mouth, one of the members of the press ran out of the room. Turned out that Tony Romo was spotted at a Starbucks in Frisco, and Channel 8 needed a reporter at the scene.
Blake resumed. “That infielder was—”
Another reporter burst out of the room shouting “I’ll be there in five!” The location the correspondent was referencing was the dog park where DeMarco Murray’s yellow lab has just stepped on a rock.
“Is anyone still here?” Blake asked the void. Silence was the only response. “And that infielder was Adrian Beltre.” Blake chuckled to himself at the joke as the Rangers would never send their All-Star third baseman down to the minors. Still, the room gave no reaction, and it was clear that no one was paying attention. He decided to see what he could get away with.
“We’ve also signed the following players:
- Mike Trout
- Hank Aaron
- Michael Jordan”
Blake was now convinced he could say anything he wanted.
“I guess I’ll keep going here…
- Iggy Azalea
- A refrigerator
- Your mom
- A dog that we believe can play baseball
- That pencil that Bob Dole holds
- Another refrigerator, just in case the first one shorts out
- Dez Bryant”
“DID YOU SAY DEZ BRYANT?” One of the sleeping reporters was wide awake now. “Mr. Blake, do you have any thoughts on how the Cowboys' wide receivers match up against the Lions secondary?”
Dallas Stars: Sunday 1.4.15 [6:30 PM]
“Good evening, Stars fans and welcome to Chicago! Tonight we’ve got a great game between the Stars and the Blackhawks that...aw, who am I kidding, nobody’s watching this right now.” Dallas Stars' play-by-play man, Ralph Strangis, suddenly realized his fate; no one would be tuning in today. Exasperated, he looked off camera to his producer and shouted, “Hey Nick! Whose idea was it to schedule regular season hockey during a Cowboys playoff game?”
David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week can be seen Wednesday (12/31/14) in the special New Years Eve show. Doors open at 9 p.m. for the hour-long improv show that is to be followed by drinks, dancing, and probable debauchery. Also you can check him out Saturday (1/3/15) for the Family Friendly show at 6 p.m. and David & Terry at 10:30 p.m. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.