Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Last week: The Dallas Cowboys guaranteed their first winning season since 2009 with a 41-28 win over the Chicago Bears. After taking a huge lead early in the second half, the Bears showed signs of life in the fourth quarter before Dallas pulled away for good. One of the most memorable moments of the effort was wide receiver Dez Bryant screaming to inspire his teammates. Bryant is well known for his motivational tactics, but few are aware that this extends to his everyday life. With that in mind, here is a fake account of a day in the life of Dez Bryant.
Sunday 12.07.14 [6:30 AM] BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
An exhausted Dez Bryant turned over to face his bedside alarm clock. As he realized the failure of the electronic device, he snapped out of his slumber and into rage.
“AW COME ON CLOCK, WHY YOU GOTTA GO OFF RIGHT NOW? GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME, IT’S ONLY SIX THIRTY! SNOOZE!”
Sunday 12.07.14 [11:18 AM] After sleeping in nearly five more hours than he initially expected, Dez stood in his kitchen attempting to make breakfast.
“TOAST! WHAT’S UP WITH YOU, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? THIS ISN’T A DRILL, THIS IS REAL, OK? I HAVE YOU MOTHER FUCKERS ON MEDIUM HIGH HEAT RIGHT NOW, THAT’S HIGHER THAN THE RECOMMENDED TEMP AND YOU STILL CAN’T GET IT TOGETHER. COME ON TOAST! I NEED YOU TO GET ALL CRISPY AND SHIT SO THAT YOU CAN BE A RIGID VEHICLE FOR MY EGGS OVER EASY. SO YOU BETTER STEP UP, I DIDN’T COME THIS FAR JUST TO BE LET DOWN BY BREAD THAT COULDN’T BRING IT ON A SUNDAY!”
Sunday 12.07.14 [1:51 PM] Then, on his way to the Cowboys training facility, Bryant attempted to listen to the radio in order to calm down.
“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!? I GET IN MY CAR THAT HAS 12 RADIO STATION PRESETS AND NOT ONE OF YOU IS FOCUSED. COMMERCIALS? NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN TO A DAMN COMMERCIAL, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!? GIMME THE SOOTHING TONES OF PETER, PAUL & MARY, NOT SOME HACK TALKING ABOUT CARS. I GOT A CAR, I’M DRIVING IT NOW! YOU’RE A CAR RADIO, HOW ARE YOU GONNA BE IN A CAR IF I DON’T HAVE A CAR?”
Sunday 12.07.14 [2:22 PM] Finally, Bryant approached the entry door to the Dallas Cowboys offices.
“OK DOOR LET’S DO THIS!”
The automatic door slid open right as Bryant approached.
“BEST IN THE GAME!”
Sunday 12.07.14 [10:48 PM] An afternoon of working out and studying film left the receiver feeling quite tired. Back at home, he relaxed and tried to read over the game plan one more time.
“NOW JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING SLEEP? TRYING TO CREEP UP ON ME? I DON’T...I DON’T NEED TO DO THAT SHIT MAN!”
Bryant let out a huge yawn, a sure fire sign that sleep was winning.
“NO! NO! NO! NOT YET! I AM TOO DAMN BUSY TO HAVE TIME FOR SLEEP. EVERY MINUTE THAT I’M NOT AWAKE, THAT’S A MINUTE THAT SOMEBODY ELSE COULD BE GAINING GROUND ON ME. NO WAY, BACK OFF I’VE GOT WORK TO…”
“DAMN SLEEP, GO AWAY! I GOTTA STAY IN IT RIGHT NOW. IF I LOSE MY FOCUS, JERRY ISN’T GOING TO PAY Me…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.”
David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, TX. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House and this week can be seen Friday (12/12/14) at 9 p.m. performing with David & Terry and next week on Thursday (12/18/14) at 8 p.m. for a one night only holiday themed radio play. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.