Sports Fan Fiction: Tyler Seguin Makes an Enemy

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The playoff hopes of the Dallas Stars took a huge hit when Tyler Seguin was taken out on a dirty play by Dmitry Kulikov. Seguin, the leading scorer on the team, will likely be out for three-to-six weeks. Many have pointed to the play as another example of unnecessary violence in hockey, but Sports Fan Fiction has the real background on how the injury came about.

First Period (10:33 left until intermission) The first interaction between our players happened as the Panthers and Stars encircled for an early game face off. Before the puck is dropped, Kulikov skates in to check on Tyler Seguin.

“Hey Tyler, Tyler! Great season so far this year man, you’re killing it!”

“Oh, thanks,” said a focused Seguin.

“Hey man, have you played Evolve yet? It’s such a great game, you should check it out, we could play online!” The Panthers defenseman could barely hold his excitement.

“I don’t really have time for that stuff right now, trying to get into the playoffs.”

“No, I totally get it man, I understand. But hey, if like you had a bunch of free time you’d totally play with me, right?”

“Yeah, sure,” Seguin said, as he attempted to just diffuse the situation.

“Cool man, see ya around! Get it? Around the rink, which is round, haha, we’re having fun. See ya!” Dmitry Kulikov skated off elated that he had made a new friend.

Second Period (4:18 left until intermission) “FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.”

Play is whistled dead as the Stars are called for yet another offsides. As Tyler Seguin skated back to position, his new friend checked in.

“Tyler! Hey man, remember me from earlier, it’s Dmitry! I said the thing about seeing you around, and so here we are. Oh man, this is fun, do you like hockey?”

“I guess,” Seguin responded.

“Yeah me too, me too, I think it’s the best. What would you say is like your favorite hockey thing? For me it’s the puck, because I just get it and I’m all, look at this, I’m gonna score a goal!”

By now Seguin could barely contain his laughter. “Dmitry, you’ve gotta chill out man.”

“I’ve been told that before, haha! Good thing I play hockey! GET IT? Chill because it’s cold, hey will you be the best man at my wedding? I don’t have a girlfriend yet or anything, so it won’t be soon! I just wanna make sure you’re gonna be there to back me up.”

“Dude, I barely know you,” Seguin said, finally starting to feel creeped out.

“Oh yeah, yeah, you’re right, no need to rush things. Hey good luck today, I hope your team wins! Don’t tell the Panthers I said anything! LOL!”

Warmups before the Third Period Tyler Seguin and teammate Jamie Benn relaxed on the bench before the final period was to begin.

“Oh man Jamie, you’re not going to believe this. You know that Kulikov kid on Florida?”

“Yeah, the one with the stupid teeth?”

“Haha, that’s the one! Turns out that loser wants to be my friend. He’s all talking to me during the game about how he wants to hang out and stuff, it’s kind of sad. I couldn’t believe how dumb he…”

Tyler Seguin looked up to see that standing right in front of the Stars bench was none other than Dmitry Kulikov.

“I guess you’re right about me, only a dumb idiot would want to be friends with you,” Kulikov said before quickly turning around to hide his tears.

Third Period (Time of injury) “OWWWWW!”

Tyler Seguin fell to the ice in pain after being taken out by Dmitry Kulikov. Before the trainers arrived at his side, Seguin locked eyes with his attacker.

“Hey man, enjoy the break! GET IT?!?”

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter@MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update@AlternateUpdate. He performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week you can see him improvise on Friday, February 20, with The Rift at 9 p.m. Tickets at