Sports Fan Fiction: Win One for the Jerry Jones-er

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The NFL season came to an end as the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks squared off in the Super Bowl. Everyone involved in the league dreams of being part of the big game, and this year Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones took his destiny into his own hands. Jones worked his way into the locker room of the now champs at halftime to deliver a speech that many are calling “the best fake speech ever.” Here is the exclusive transcript of his words.

 

Locker Room, University of Phoenix Stadium, Half-time

Jerry Jones

Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(puts down his whiskey)...bitching about that tackle you missed, some son-of-a-bitch that brought you down in the backfield, somebody that ran the wrong route, some broad you're trying to screw and so forth. Let's talk about something important. (To coach) Are they all here?

Coach

All but one, but Mr. Jones you have no affiliation with this team...

Jerry Jones

Well I’m going anyway--Well, boys...I haven't a thing to say. Played a great game...all of you. Great game. I guess we just can't expect to win ‘em all. I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself for years--None of you ever knew Dez Bryant, it was long before your time. But you know what a tradition he is in the NFL…

Coach

Dez is still in the league...

Jerry Jones

And the last thing he said to me--"Jerry," he said--"sometimes, when the team is up against it--and the breaks are beating the Cowboys--tell them to go out there with all they got and win just one for the man who puts his forearms into an X...

(Jerry’s eyes become misty and his voice is unsteady as he finishes.)

Coach

Wait, that whole sentence is his nickname?

Jerry Jones

I don't know where I'll be then, Jerry," he said, "but I'll know about it--and I'll be happy."

(There is a hushed stillness/incredible confusion as Jerry Jones and the crowd of men look at each other.)

Jerry Jones

Dez and the rest of the Cowboys couldn’t be here this week. So let’s go win one for the Gipper. I mean Dez.

Coach

Mr. Jones, are you done? You have nothing to do with our team, and we’ve really got to get back to preparing for the second half.

Jerry Jones

Sorry boys, I’ve just had a really hard time after they overturned that Dez catch. I went on a bender that will allow every child the Johnnie Walker family ever has to go to college. It’s bad. I felt like we actually had a chance to be in this locker room and play for a championship, so to watch another team play has not been easy. I’m sorry if I disrupted your preparations, I’ll show myself out.

(Jones moves towards the door.)

But could y’all do me a favor? Could you go out there and play as hard and as fast and as good as you can? Don’t do it for yourselves or for the coaches, do it for the people like me that couldn’t be here. Get out there and win this football game!

PLAYER # 12

Well, what are we waiting for?

(With a single roar, the players rushed through the doorway on their way to victory.)

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter@MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update@AlternateUpdate. He performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.