Amanda Bynes

#Ashtag Week 16: Sweet, Sweet Girl Power

Sixteen weeks checked off of our collective calendar. Sixteen weeks of learning about what's popular, what's cool, what's in and hip, learning about what the kids are into, learning about what's gone viral. Sixteen weeks. Boy, does time fly. If we were married, the traditional anniversary gift would be silver hollowware. What is that? Hollow things made of silver like teapots, ice buckets, goblets, et cetera. I didn't know what hollowware was. I learned the definition from the Internet. The same Internet that told me that hollowware was the traditional gift. Let's learn cooler things from the Internet now, shall we? I censored them both equally. I also gave Putin a helmet for the whole equality thing.

Chelsea Handler is the top search on Google right now. She posted a picture of herself topless on a horse to mirror Vladmir Putin's photo of himself topless on a horse. Handler is making a statement that lady nipples should be free and allowed on Instagram just like man nipples are allowed. #Ashtag is not a place for my opinions. Well, I think I may only be saying that because I do not have strong feelings about lady nipples being allowed on Instagram. As a woman, should I have more passionate feelings? I suppose I should. I feel like any human body can be displayed without being salacious booty fodder. But it really doesn't bother me that lady nips aren't allowed on Instagram. Please don't take my woman card away from me, ghost of Betty Friedan.

Hermione as Rosie the Riveter. Girl Power.

Well, if you don't believe in perfect segues, step back and open your eyes. I wrote my pleas to Friedan, and then I read the next top search on Google: Rosie the Riveter. Well, hello, sign. I guess I get to keep my Feministo card, fellas. The building that used to be the Willow Run Bomber Plant was saved last week from demolition. Thousands of ladies, including ladies that inspired the image for Rosie the Riveter, built bombers during WWII. The rescue of this building and tons and tons of Halloween costumes of her put Rosie the Riveter on top of the Internet this week.

Ladies get another point this week as J.K. Rowling's profile of Dolores Umbridge is another top Google search. Although, as I consider myself a fan of Harry Potter (listen to Jim Dale's narration on the audiobooks - I cannot praise it enough), I can admit that Dolores Umbridge counts for quite a large deduction of points for females. She is an awful character. But she was created by a woman, so plus one point! There is no actual gender scoreboard.

And thank goodness for that. Because Amanda Bynes is back in the spotlight. If there were a scoreboard, we'd be minus some big points for this one, ladies. She doesn't have to stay in the mental institution, but she does have to remain under her mother's conservatorship until 2015. This is sad. Let's move on.

Back to Harry Potter talk, one of the top-viewed videos on YouTube this week is "Daniel Radcliffe Raps Blackalicious' 'Alphabet Aerobics.'" The clip is from The Tonight Show where Radcliffe does exactly as the title says he does. It is quite impressive. I don't believe I could even read all of those words to that rhythm let alone memorize and spit them with mad game like he does. I bet he could do the same to Blackalicious' "Chemical Calisthenics." I'm a fan of that song, you should check it out. See, I like music. Let's go look up the top music videos. I sure hope it's a girl, so as to fit this theme we've almost got going.

According to MTV, Tove Lo's "Habits" is a top music video this week. At first, I wasn't sure if Tove Lo was a boy or a girl, so I watched the video. It's a girl (yay! theme!) and I've heard this song before. It's a catchy little diddy, I guess. Here's a thing I don't like: I don't like cigarettes being cool again. Cigarettes suck. They stink. I'm sick of seeing people younger than me smoking them. I guess #ashtag is a place for opinions after all.

Oh, I almost forgot. I am still playing the game. Kim threw a Halloween party. She dressed as a leopard. I wore a red hood and an unmatching dress because I refuse to spend real money on a costume in the game. #IknowitsuncoolofmetojudgeotherswhenIplaytheKardashiangameIreallydo

Ashley Bright is a writer/performer at Dallas Comedy House. She’s a graduate of and an instructor for the DCH Improv Training Program. You can see her perform every weekend at Dallas Comedy House.

#Ashtag Week 11: Cold, Hard Steel, and Cookies

Pittsburgh, Steel City.  Imagine our picnic here for our 11th week anniversary. This is the 11th week of #ashtag!! Eleven weeks!! Eleven. Eleven is a number. It follows seven sometimes; not numerically, but as a convenience store chain name. We all know that. The 11th hour is when sh*t gets real and down into the nitty gritty. Okay, I'm reaching. I guess there's no reason for us to get as jazzed up about the 11th week like we did for week 10. Traditional gifts for 11th anniversaries are steel. Cold, hard steel.

Just as with every other edition of #ashtag, we're going to dig through the Internet, find the top trends, and learn things about ourselves and humanity. At the very least, we will learn about the most recently and fleetingly popular things online. I may have been reaching again when I said we would learn about ourselves and humanity, but you never know.

Sports are back on top this week. The Google top searches are flooded with the names of NFL teams. Let's just get this out of the way right now - I'm not a huge football fan. Neither college nor professional gets my gears goin'. Can we all just agree now that I can skip over this admission in the upcoming weeks during the football season? Of course, if another elevator video or something pops to the top, we can get into it. But no one is going to have fun with me recapping game highlights and scores, especially not me. I will say that the Steelers lost this week, which is not very cool. Steelers. Steel. Eleventh week together. A win from them would have been a nice 11th week anniversary gift for all of us, huh? Moving on.

Amanda Bynes was arrested for a DUI, so her name was a top search. Do you remember when she did the "Ask Ashley" sketch on Snick's All That? Let's remember her that way. On a near perfect and unintentional segue, you can "Ask Ashley" any real life/burning need for advice questions by emailing dchadvicecolumn@gmail.com. I will be fielding the questions for next week's edition of DCH's "So Says the Comedian" and dispensing life advice. I can channel Amanda Bynes if you'd like, but it may involve starting a fire in my driveway.

Another Wayne & Darth possibility. My references are current and on point.

One of the top hashtags this week is #lamerduos. I skimmed over it because I thought it was the name of a sports star, Lamar Duos, as it was mixed in with other sports team and athlete name hashtags. Sports are big right now, guys, as we've discussed above. Sadly, hashtags do not come with definitions even when you Google them. You just have to read through posts and try to piece together the intended use. #lamerduos appears to be applied to tweets attempting to make puns out of famous duos. Many of these fit the "lamer" part of the hashtag, such as "Sonny and Chair" and "Screech and Chong." Actually Screech and Chong was probably the best of what I saw. Oh boy. Hmm, I'm hating, so let me try to pop one off the top of my dome. Okay, um, Wayne & Darth...like a showdown between Batman and Darth Vader. No? Okay, I'm out. The tweeter of "Sonny and Chair" is better than me, and I am okay with it.

This week I headed over to VH1 for the top music videos of the week. For no other reason than that CMT provided me with hip-hop last week, so I thought it best to shake up my sources. And because VH1 has always been super cool and cutting edge. That was sarcasm, and I apologize, VH1, you're cool. According to the Top 20 list, the No. 1 video of the past week is Meghan Trainor's "All About that Bass." It's a catchy tune with a pastel colored video. I don't like her throwing out the "skinny bitches" line because we're all okay - skinny or not. But it did make me feel better about eating a cookie while I type this. [Editor's Note: Respect the treble.]

As we like to do, let's end with a note about my progress in the Kardashian game. I've done a little better this week. I've started jobs and remembered them. My publicist hasn't yelled at me as much. It's been a pretty alright week. #thisisnotreallifeandirealizehowpatheticthissoundspleaseemailyourquestionsforadvice

Ashley Bright is a writer/performer at Dallas Comedy House. She’s a graduate of the DCH Improv Training Program and is currently a level 3 sketch writing student. You can see her perform every weekend at Dallas Comedy House.