Chelsea Handler

#Ashtag Week 16: Sweet, Sweet Girl Power

Sixteen weeks checked off of our collective calendar. Sixteen weeks of learning about what's popular, what's cool, what's in and hip, learning about what the kids are into, learning about what's gone viral. Sixteen weeks. Boy, does time fly. If we were married, the traditional anniversary gift would be silver hollowware. What is that? Hollow things made of silver like teapots, ice buckets, goblets, et cetera. I didn't know what hollowware was. I learned the definition from the Internet. The same Internet that told me that hollowware was the traditional gift. Let's learn cooler things from the Internet now, shall we? I censored them both equally. I also gave Putin a helmet for the whole equality thing.

Chelsea Handler is the top search on Google right now. She posted a picture of herself topless on a horse to mirror Vladmir Putin's photo of himself topless on a horse. Handler is making a statement that lady nipples should be free and allowed on Instagram just like man nipples are allowed. #Ashtag is not a place for my opinions. Well, I think I may only be saying that because I do not have strong feelings about lady nipples being allowed on Instagram. As a woman, should I have more passionate feelings? I suppose I should. I feel like any human body can be displayed without being salacious booty fodder. But it really doesn't bother me that lady nips aren't allowed on Instagram. Please don't take my woman card away from me, ghost of Betty Friedan.

Hermione as Rosie the Riveter. Girl Power.

Well, if you don't believe in perfect segues, step back and open your eyes. I wrote my pleas to Friedan, and then I read the next top search on Google: Rosie the Riveter. Well, hello, sign. I guess I get to keep my Feministo card, fellas. The building that used to be the Willow Run Bomber Plant was saved last week from demolition. Thousands of ladies, including ladies that inspired the image for Rosie the Riveter, built bombers during WWII. The rescue of this building and tons and tons of Halloween costumes of her put Rosie the Riveter on top of the Internet this week.

Ladies get another point this week as J.K. Rowling's profile of Dolores Umbridge is another top Google search. Although, as I consider myself a fan of Harry Potter (listen to Jim Dale's narration on the audiobooks - I cannot praise it enough), I can admit that Dolores Umbridge counts for quite a large deduction of points for females. She is an awful character. But she was created by a woman, so plus one point! There is no actual gender scoreboard.

And thank goodness for that. Because Amanda Bynes is back in the spotlight. If there were a scoreboard, we'd be minus some big points for this one, ladies. She doesn't have to stay in the mental institution, but she does have to remain under her mother's conservatorship until 2015. This is sad. Let's move on.

Back to Harry Potter talk, one of the top-viewed videos on YouTube this week is "Daniel Radcliffe Raps Blackalicious' 'Alphabet Aerobics.'" The clip is from The Tonight Show where Radcliffe does exactly as the title says he does. It is quite impressive. I don't believe I could even read all of those words to that rhythm let alone memorize and spit them with mad game like he does. I bet he could do the same to Blackalicious' "Chemical Calisthenics." I'm a fan of that song, you should check it out. See, I like music. Let's go look up the top music videos. I sure hope it's a girl, so as to fit this theme we've almost got going.

According to MTV, Tove Lo's "Habits" is a top music video this week. At first, I wasn't sure if Tove Lo was a boy or a girl, so I watched the video. It's a girl (yay! theme!) and I've heard this song before. It's a catchy little diddy, I guess. Here's a thing I don't like: I don't like cigarettes being cool again. Cigarettes suck. They stink. I'm sick of seeing people younger than me smoking them. I guess #ashtag is a place for opinions after all.

Oh, I almost forgot. I am still playing the game. Kim threw a Halloween party. She dressed as a leopard. I wore a red hood and an unmatching dress because I refuse to spend real money on a costume in the game. #IknowitsuncoolofmetojudgeotherswhenIplaytheKardashiangameIreallydo

Ashley Bright is a writer/performer at Dallas Comedy House. She’s a graduate of and an instructor for the DCH Improv Training Program. You can see her perform every weekend at Dallas Comedy House.