Cowboys

Sports Fan Fiction: Win One for the Jerry Jones-er

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The NFL season came to an end as the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks squared off in the Super Bowl. Everyone involved in the league dreams of being part of the big game, and this year Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones took his destiny into his own hands. Jones worked his way into the locker room of the now champs at halftime to deliver a speech that many are calling “the best fake speech ever.” Here is the exclusive transcript of his words.

 

Locker Room, University of Phoenix Stadium, Half-time

Jerry Jones

Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(puts down his whiskey)...bitching about that tackle you missed, some son-of-a-bitch that brought you down in the backfield, somebody that ran the wrong route, some broad you're trying to screw and so forth. Let's talk about something important. (To coach) Are they all here?

Coach

All but one, but Mr. Jones you have no affiliation with this team...

Jerry Jones

Well I’m going anyway--Well, boys...I haven't a thing to say. Played a great game...all of you. Great game. I guess we just can't expect to win ‘em all. I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself for years--None of you ever knew Dez Bryant, it was long before your time. But you know what a tradition he is in the NFL…

Coach

Dez is still in the league...

Jerry Jones

And the last thing he said to me--"Jerry," he said--"sometimes, when the team is up against it--and the breaks are beating the Cowboys--tell them to go out there with all they got and win just one for the man who puts his forearms into an X...

(Jerry’s eyes become misty and his voice is unsteady as he finishes.)

Coach

Wait, that whole sentence is his nickname?

Jerry Jones

I don't know where I'll be then, Jerry," he said, "but I'll know about it--and I'll be happy."

(There is a hushed stillness/incredible confusion as Jerry Jones and the crowd of men look at each other.)

Jerry Jones

Dez and the rest of the Cowboys couldn’t be here this week. So let’s go win one for the Gipper. I mean Dez.

Coach

Mr. Jones, are you done? You have nothing to do with our team, and we’ve really got to get back to preparing for the second half.

Jerry Jones

Sorry boys, I’ve just had a really hard time after they overturned that Dez catch. I went on a bender that will allow every child the Johnnie Walker family ever has to go to college. It’s bad. I felt like we actually had a chance to be in this locker room and play for a championship, so to watch another team play has not been easy. I’m sorry if I disrupted your preparations, I’ll show myself out.

(Jones moves towards the door.)

But could y’all do me a favor? Could you go out there and play as hard and as fast and as good as you can? Don’t do it for yourselves or for the coaches, do it for the people like me that couldn’t be here. Get out there and win this football game!

PLAYER # 12

Well, what are we waiting for?

(With a single roar, the players rushed through the doorway on their way to victory.)

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter@MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update@AlternateUpdate. He performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.

Sports Fan Fiction: Obscure NFL Rules

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The Dallas Cowboys season is over after a 26-21 loss to the Green Bay Packers. The defeat was due to several factors, but many fans are blaming the loss on the application of an obscure rule that eliminated a late Dez Bryant touchdown. Most people are not aware that the regulation is part of a larger subset of little known contingencies that sit within the NFL rulebook.

Illegal Formation The following offensive formations are not allowed:

  • Smiley Face
  • Flying V
  • A more perfect union
  • Anything phallic

Roughing the Passer Illegal unless he likes it that way, am I right ladies?

Horse Collar Tackle Legal when tackling a real horse.

Facemask A player may not pull on an opponent’s facemask, unless they are attempting to remove dirt, but only if the dirt is from the field that the game is being played on, except if there was a college game the previous day and the dirt is from that game the penalty is allowed, but keep in mind that if there was a high school game before the college game before the professional game and the high school team has an animal or dinosauric (Is that a word? Goodell please check) mascot, then the facemask penalty is dissolved. Also there may be no facemask contact on any Tuesday game.

Too Many Men On the Field Penalty doubled if the extra players aren’t able to bring it in the bedroom, am I right ladies?

Crackback Block Legal if the player recently stepped on a crack and the object of the block was their mama.

Delay of Game Only allowed if you bring Starbucks for everyone.

Encroachment No penalty if you’re encroaching to update Starbucks order.

Tripping Illegal unless them bitches always be trippin’, am I right ladies?

Catch A reception can be overturned if the player in question doesn’t make a football move before the ball comes loose.

Oh, and a catch is negated if the team caught a break with the rules the previous week.

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week you can check out the sketch revue he directed titled “January UP!” on Thursday at 8 p.m. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.

Sports Fan Fiction: Goodell Covers for the Ref's Mistake

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The Dallas Cowboys defeated the Detroit Lions 24-20 to move on to the Divisional round of the playoffs. In the days since the game, fans of both sides have focused less on the win and more on the curious decision of head referee Pete Morelli to negate a pass interference call made by his crew mate. This has brought attention to a strange NFL regulation by which referee crews are inexplicably mixed up for the postseason. Many expect the NFL to adjust the program after the season, but here’s a fake account of what might happen if they did not.

Monday 1.26.15 [2:30 PM] NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stands behind an NFL emblazoned podium to deliver his state of the league address.

Roger Goodell

Good afternoon, I’d like to start by thanking all of you for being here. This Sunday we will complete another amazing season thanks to the efforts of our players, teams, and most importantly, fans.

[The room full of reporters responds with courteous applause.]

Roger Goodell

Today I’d like to introduce some new rules that we know will help us grow football to the number one sport in the world.

[Additional applause.]

Roger Goodell

One of the biggest successes of this postseason was the call made by referee Pete Morelli to pick up a pass interference penalty flag. We feel Morelli was empowered to make his decision, because he was working with a fresh crew. It’s our guess that he was trying to impress his new coworkers. Therefore, we are going to expand that scramble program to the rest of the NFL.

[Murmurs of confusion fill the conference room.]

Washington Times Reporter

Does that mean that referee crews will be switched up every week?

Roger Goodell

Haha, no, that’s not what I meant; effective in 2015 we will scramble the roster of every team after the regular season. We feel the position of quarterback is very similar to that of a head referee, so we will completely change the lineup around each playoff quarterback after Week 17.

[Every reporter raises their hand.]

ESPN.com Reporter

Wait, what?

Roger Goodell

If Pete Morelli wasn’t leading a crew of referees that he’d never met, he would not have been able to make the correct call. We feel like allowing teams to do the same thing will only strengthen the game and our brand.

Profootballtalk.com Reporter

Is that the only change you plan on making?

Roger Goodell

Great question. Another reason we feel that our referees were so successful this year was that most of them are not even full-time employees of the NFL. Starting February 1, all NFL players will be considered part time.

[By now all of the reporters are fighting to get Goodell’s attention.]

Conde Nast Reporter

But that means that many players will have to get full-time jobs outside of the NFL to make ends meet. Not to mention the safety concerns.

Roger Goodell

We’re going to save so much money! That brings us to the change that I’m most excited about. Effective immediately, defenses will only be allowed seven players. If our referee crews are able to cover an entire field with only seven people, why can’t a defense of the best athletes in the world do it?

[More uproar, now booing.]

Roger Goodell

Oh come on, these are great ideas. And plus, what’re you gonna do, watch Arena league football? They’re so poor that if the forty reporters in this room tried to go to the AFL website at the same time, the damn thing would crash. The NFL is your only option.

[Silence]

Cleveland Plain Dealer Reporter

Mr. Goodell, any plans to change the domestic violence policy?

Roger Goodell

Nah, we’re good.

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week can be seen Friday (1/9/15) at 10:30 p.m. with David & Terry and Saturday (1/10/15) at 9 p.m. with The Rift. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.

Sports Fan Fiction: Radio Silence

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The city of Dallas is abuzz with anticipation as the Dallas Cowboys prepare to host the Detroit Lions in the first round of the playoffs. With so much attention going toward the Cowboys, many fans are completely ignoring the other teams in the area. Here is a fictional account of what those other teams are up to this week.

Dallas Mavericks: Tuesday 12.30.14 [8:30 AM] Tyson Chandler yawned into his gigantic hand as he wearily strode into the Dallas Mavericks practice facility. All players had been summoned to a mandatory meeting with team owner Mark Cuban.

“Probably some bullshit about being safe over the holidays,” he muttered to himself.

Chandler opened the door into the film room and realized that he was the last player to arrive. The Mavericks center quickly made his way to an open seat.

“Great, Tyson’s here, OK, let’s go,” a caffeinated Mark Cuban decreed. He stood in front of the room with the sort of commanding presence that you’d expect a billionaire to have. His words did not match his confident posture.

“So, team, cool, we’re having a solid year thus far and I can’t wait to see what we can do in 2015, awesome, thanks, you’re going great,” Cuban said in a single breath. “Thanks for coming in early, you guys are the best, here’s what I wanted to meet about. Sunday, the Cowboys have a playoff game, not sure if you knew that, haha, just kidding, of course you guys knew that, you’re all great. The media in the metroplex is only worried about the Cowboys this week, so feel free to do whatever you want.”

A perplexed Tyson Chandler raised his hand to seek clarification. “Wait, Mr. Cuban, did you say that we can do whatever we want this week? Like we don’t have a curfew?” A few of the players murmured in agreement as no one knew what Cuban was talking about.

“No Tyson, my man, I mean you can do anything you want this week. Think of the time between now and Sunday as completely free time. You can do whatever you want, wherever, and with whomever you choose. You could even watch Shark Tank! We’ve got a great—”

“AHEM,” Mavericks Coach Rick Carlisle interrupted in an attempt to get his wired boss back on track.

“Sorry, my apologies guys, don’t mean to waste your time, I just get so excited! No one cares about the Mavericks this week. If you want to get arrested, do it now. If you want to buy heroin from a prostitute, do it now. If you want to come out and say that 9/11 was an inside job, do it now. Each one of you has free reign to do or say anything, because the media is only focused on the Cowboys.”

Texas Rangers: Friday 1.2.15 [12:14 PM] John Blake stepped up to the podium for his weekly press briefing. The Texas Rangers spokesman was used to light crowds during the winter months, but today the group of media personnel was sparser than ever. He couldn’t tell for sure, but there couldn’t have been more than five members of the press, two of which were asleep and one he knew to be deaf.

“Good afternoon, I’ve just got a couple of team transactions that we would like to formally announce. We’ve made an option to Triple A infielder…”

Before he could even get the players name out of his mouth, one of the members of the press ran out of the room. Turned out that Tony Romo was spotted at a Starbucks in Frisco, and Channel 8 needed a reporter at the scene.

Blake resumed. “That infielder was—”

Another reporter burst out of the room shouting “I’ll be there in five!” The location the correspondent was referencing was the dog park where DeMarco Murray’s yellow lab has just stepped on a rock.

“Is anyone still here?” Blake asked the void. Silence was the only response. “And that infielder was Adrian Beltre.” Blake chuckled to himself at the joke as the Rangers would never send their All-Star third baseman down to the minors. Still, the room gave no reaction, and it was clear that no one was paying attention. He decided to see what he could get away with.

“We’ve also signed the following players:

  • Mike Trout
  • Hank Aaron
  • Michael Jordan”

Blake was now convinced he could say anything he wanted.

“I guess I’ll keep going here…

  • Iggy Azalea
  • A refrigerator
  • Your mom
  • A dog that we believe can play baseball
  • That pencil that Bob Dole holds
  • Another refrigerator, just in case the first one shorts out
  • Me
  • Dez Bryant”

“DID YOU SAY DEZ BRYANT?” One of the sleeping reporters was wide awake now. “Mr. Blake, do you have any thoughts on how the Cowboys' wide receivers match up against the Lions secondary?”

Dallas Stars: Sunday 1.4.15 [6:30 PM]

“Good evening, Stars fans and welcome to Chicago! Tonight we’ve got a great game between the Stars and the Blackhawks that...aw, who am I kidding, nobody’s watching this right now.” Dallas Stars' play-by-play man, Ralph Strangis, suddenly realized his fate; no one would be tuning in today. Exasperated, he looked off camera to his producer and shouted, “Hey Nick! Whose idea was it to schedule regular season hockey during a Cowboys playoff game?”

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week can be seen Wednesday (12/31/14) in the special New Years Eve show. Doors open at 9 p.m. for the hour-long improv show that is to be followed by drinks, dancing, and probable debauchery. Also you can check him out Saturday (1/3/15) for the Family Friendly show at 6 p.m. and David & Terry at 10:30 p.m. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.

Sports Fan Fiction: My Toys

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The Dallas Cowboys are NFC East champions and headed for the playoffs after a 42-7 win over the Indianapolis Colts. It’s the first time since 2009 that the Cowboys have qualified for the postseason and is especially sweet for veteran players like Jason Witten that may not have ever expected to have another shot at a Super Bowl ring. We now take you to a fake account of how one player was affected by success.

Monday 12.22.14 [8:18 AM] Jason Witten opened the door into his dimly lit garage. Though his body was bruised and beaten, the pain was easier to handle when all of that sacrifice pays off with a playoff berth. In fact, the only feeling inside him at that moment was trepidation about a conversation that he knew he needed to have.

The Cowboys' tight end flipped on the lights to illuminate a wall of outdoor toys. Golf clubs, pool noodles, lawn darts; if Academy Sports sold it, then Jason Witten had it on his wall.

“Jason! Hey, are you coming to play with us yet?” asked a basketball

“Yay!” said the water skis. "It’s almost January, which means that it’s time for Jason to be done with football and focus on having fun with his real friends!”

“Hooray!” the objects cried out in unison.

“Hey guys,” Witten said to the wall of toys. “I’ve got some bad news.”

“What’s wrong, Jason? You seem sad,” replied the yoga mat.

“It, uh...oh man this is hard...it looks like we’re going to uh…” Witten couldn’t get the words out.

“Come on, Jason, tell us!” said the excited game of ring toss.

The tight end gathered himself. “Well, we made the postseason, so it looks like I won’t be able to play with you all for a couple of extra weeks.”

“That’s OK, Jason, we all know how terrible Dallas is in the playoffs, so I’m sure we’ll see you soon,” said the optimistic pool basketball goal before high-fiving the go-kart.

“That’s the worst part; our team is really good and...and...and I may not be done playing football until February.”

Silence fell unto the garage.

The senior member of the outdoor toy wall, Jason Witten’s golf clubs, spoke up. “Jason, that’s ridiculous, we all know the Cowboys were supposed to be terrible this--”

“I know,” Witten interrupted. “I never expected that we’d make the playoffs, so I may have made some promises that I’m not able to keep.”

“Is it because you don’t love us?” begged the pontoon boat.

“No way, come on guys, you know I love all of you! Tell you what, if you forgive me for having to postpone our plans this year, then I’ll retire a year earlier. Once I’m out of the game, I’ll be able to play with you all day every day. I just need you to let me have this; it’s probably my last chance. Group hug?”

Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten, confident his inanimate friends had forgiven him, walked over to the wall of outdoor toys and gave them a huge hug. These were his teammates for life.

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House and this week can be seen Friday (12/26/14) in the show “I can’t believe I got this S#&T for Christmas.” Bring your unwanted gifts and we’ll use them to inspire improvisation. At the end of the show, all gifts will be donated to a local charity. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.  

Sports Fan Fiction: The Gift

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The Dallas Cowboys avenged their Thanksgiving day defeat by throttling the Philadelphia Eagles 38-27. Though there were numerous noteworthy performances on the field, one of the most interesting portions of the affair was that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent the entire game in the suite of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. What did they discuss? The following is a fake account of what the unlikely pair talked about.

Sunday 12.14.14 [7:07 PM] Jerry Jones and his wife Gene were finally starting to allow themselves to enjoy the party. Over the last few days, they had done everything to ensure that this event went off without a hitch, and it appeared the couple was in the clear. The only hurdle left was welcoming their guest of honor to the suite.

“So we’ve got everything ready for him? We’re all ready to go?’ Jerry nervously asked his wife.

“Absolutely! Oh, but there is one thing I wanted to go over with you…”

“JERRY JONES!” bellowed New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The less-rotund-than-he-used-to-be man still commanded the same amount of attention that he always had. “How’s it hangin’?”

“Let’s talk about it later hon’,” Jerry said to Gene before turning his attention to the man of the hour. “Chris, my man, I’m doing mighty good. How’s about you?”

“Can’t complain, can’t complain, I mean hell, I get to watch some Cowboys football in a suite! Life don’t get much better than this,” Christie continued as he looked out the window to survey the view.

“Well, we do believe it’ll be a good time. Would you like a drink?”

“Sure, but before drinks, I wanted to give you something,” the Governor said before snapping his fingers toward one of his aides. In response, the young man in sunglasses and an ill-fitting suit retrieved a shoe-box sized present, pristinely wrapped, from his messenger bag. “With the holidays comin’ up and on account of you bein’ so nice to me and hookin’ me up with this suite ‘n all, I wanted to get you a present.”

Jerry Jones was stunned. Somehow, in the fever of preparation, Jones had completely forgotten that rich people code demands that presents be exchanged at nearly every interaction during the holidays. Not giving a gift to another wealthy person, especially when one is given to you, can lead to harsh scorn and judgement.

“Oh, thank...you,” the befuddled owner managed. The conversation of all the other guests had ceased as they focused in on the interaction between the governor and the Cowboys owner.

What was Jerry going to do? He’d committed similar faux pas in the past, but never to a politician. In the past, when something like this came up, he’d simply grab a possession from his home and hand it over as a gift that he’d “forgotten” to wrap. But this time he wasn’t at home, he wasn’t even in Dallas.

“Jerry—” Mrs. Jones started.

“Just give me a moment, Gene!” Jerry said, cutting her off.

Jerry Jones surveyed the room for something, anything to give away. “Maybe I could give him a ¾-full bottle of Johnnie Walker,” he thought, “Or that leather chair against the wall; everyone needs a chair! Wait, I can’t give that away, it belongs to the stadium. What about cash? It’s a bit gauche, but everyone could use a few extra bucks around the holidays!” Jones slyly thumbed through his wallet and found that he only had eight thousand dollars in cash on him, far below the currency necessary to be considered a proper gift per the rich people code.

“Ahem,” Christie interrupted.

It appeared that Jerry Jones had gone silent for too long. He took the present from the aide and placed it on the bar height table to his right. Before Jones began to open the present, he momentarily shut his eyes and prayed that this was all a dream. Then, suddenly, an idea!

“You know Chris, why don’t we just wait until after the game to open these up. I got you something too and I’d hate for my great gift to distract you from the game.” Jones knew that if he could postpone the gift exchange, he’d have time to send someone out to buy a gift. “Trust me, my thing is so cool that you’re not going to be able to concentrate on this Cowboys win once you open it.”

“Nah, let’s go ahead and do it now, I’ve gotta leave to get back to Jersey pretty quick. So what-a ya waitin’ for ya big dummy. Open it up!” Christie’s latest remark had garnered cheers from the excited group of onlookers and a single, silent, jeer from Jerry Jones. He was going to have to open the present.

Jerry Jones methodically began to open up the gift from Chris Christie, hoping the extra moments would buy him the time necessary to think of what to do.

“Come on! You Texans open up gifts like my grandmother drives—too carefully! Oh!” The governor hammered home his point by grabbing the gift and violently removing the wrapping paper.

Now Jones was face to face with his present and, at first glance, it looked like Christie had dropped the ball. Finally, some hope as it appeared the Cowboys owner was going to be able to escape the situation unscathed. “This looks like it’s just a bunch of Bruce Springsteen CDs. What, did you get this out of your car on the way over here?” he joked, riding high on the moment.

“Haha Jerry, they’re not normal CDs. I had my buddy Bruce Springsteen, BRUCE, re-record his entire discography. He changed every lyric from being somethin’ about Jersey to somethin’ about Texas or the Cowboys or whatever. I thought you’d like it after we saw that concert together in the Garden last year.” Christie’s justification drew a round of applause from the guests of Jerry Jones.

Check mate.

Chris Christie’s gift was such a beautiful combination of phenomenal and heartfelt that Jones had no recourse. He inhaled, savoring the last moments of his wonderful life, before beginning to utter the words that would bring his world crashing down.

“Chris, that’s a mighty fine gift, thank you. I—”

“Wait Jerry,” Gene Jones interrupted. “Now how are you going to give a gift if it’s in my purse?” She stepped forward and gave her husband a knowing wink before whispering, “I’ll handle this.”

Chris Christie gave a broad smile and let out a huge laugh. “Oh you two, you really had me goin’. Honestly Jerry, I was starting to think you didn’t get me anything!" The room erupted in laughter.

Gene Jones continued her approach as she began to describe the gift. “Now Chris, Jerry and I really enjoyed the trip all of us took to south Texas last year.”

“It was a wonderful vacation, one of the best weeks of my life,” Christie confirmed.

“Well, this here is the deed to the city of San Antonio. They owed us a favor after we put training camp there a few years back, so I pulled some strings and now you own it,” Mrs. Jones said as she handed the governor the document.

“Whoa, you bought me a city! Thanks Mrs. J!” Chris Christie snatched the present out of her hands before rushing back to show it off to his staff. A cascade of “whoa,” “cool,” and “righteous” could be heard from their huddle.

Gene Jones turned back to face her husband.

Confronted with his social situation savior, the Cowboys owner launched into the first of his many questions, “How did you know I would—”

“Oh Jerry,” she interrupted. “I’ve had years of experience cleaning up your mistakes.”

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week can be seen Thursday (12/18/14) at 8 p.m.  for a one-night-only holiday themed radio play with David & Terry and Friday (12/19/14) at 10:30 p.m. as Elton John in the monthly show Face 2 Face. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.