Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Last week: The Dallas Cowboys enjoyed a much needed bye week after the return of quarterback Tony Romo propelled them past the Jacksonville Jaguars 31-17. At 7-3, the team has far exceeded expectations and would even qualify for the playoffs if the season ended today. Riding high on the success of this season, here is a fake account of how Tony Romo spent his bye week.
Tuesday 11.11.14 [10:58 pm] The dinner rush at Frisco’s fourth oldest Whataburger had long since subsided as the evening shift continued their long night’s journey into day. Expecting a rush before the dining room closes, the restaurant manager decided to deploy both cashiers. Suddenly, a shadowy figure worked his way through the cluster of glass doors approached the register.
“Sir, welcome to WhataBurger. I can take your order over here.”
“No thank you,” replied a grim Tony Romo. “I need to talk to the other guy. I’ve been waiting for this.”
“Sir, I…” pleaded the secondary cashier.
“No, thank you.”
The patron in front of Romo completed her order and the Eastern Illinois product was finally face to face to with his target.
“Hello sir, welcome to-YOU’RE TONY ROMO. WHAT?!?” Befuddled, the young cashier stared up at the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. There was no doubt it was Romo, a matter confirmed by the fact that he was still dressed in his grass-stained uniform from the previous game. “Mr. Romo, I’m a huge fan…”
“Can it Jake, or should I say, can it TroyAikybreakyheartman1997?”
“What?” replied a confused Jake.
“Oh yes, I know about your message board posts,” continued Romo, as he confidently paced back and forth in front of the register. “Don’t you remember all the times you tried to talk trash about my team this summer? Questioning my play in the fourth quarter, talking about how I’d never make it to the playoffs again”
“Do not interrupt me!” Romo gathered himself before delivering the final accusation. “You even told your friends...that Jerry Jones...should’ve drafted...Johnny Manziel.” The quarterback was fighting back tears at this point.
Jake’s mind was scattered. He searched himself for the next thing to say to get out of the situation. “So would you like to try your Monterrey Melt burger?”
“No!” Romo slammed his fist on the laminate counter to drive his words home. “What I want is for you to apologize to me. After everything that you’ve said about me, it’s the least you can do.”
“I’m sorry,” the cashier nonchalantly said.
“Now tell me I’m a good quarterback,” Romo growled.
“Look Mr. Romo, there’s a huge line building up behind you—”
“Tell me I’m a good quarterback.” The demand was met with silence, so Romo leaned onto the counter before repeating himself. “I said, tell me I’m a good quarterback.”
“You’re a good quarterback,” the cashier mumbled. The rest of the Whataburger staff gathered around and chuckled at their embarrassed co-worker.
“What was that?” Tony Romo asked with a sheepish grin.
The cashier looked up at the quarterback, eyes full of pain. “You’re a good quarterback.”
“You’re a good quarterback!”
“YOU’RE A GOOD QUARTERBACK. YOU’RE A GOOD QUARTERBACK. YOU’RE A GOOD QUARTERBACK.” The cashier collapsed onto the counter as the situation had exhausted him to his core.
Tony Romo turned away from the cash register and pulled out a small, leather-bound book from his No. 9 jersey. He opened it up and crossed out the name Jake Witherspoon. Romo looked up as he exited the building, his face weathered by the long journey thus far. There had been many fans that doubted him over the year,s and he wasn't going to rest until each and every one of them paid their respects.
So this bye week, if you hear a rustling in the bushes, it might be nothing. But it also might be Tony Romo, hunting you down to collect his apology.
David Allison is a 2011 graduate of the Dallas Comedy House conservatory, has been improvising and teaching in the DFW area since 2003.