Jay Z

#Ashtag #12 All Rolled Up

Raven-Symone and Oprah Twelve weeks a tagged. Yep, we have 12 #ashtags of learning about today's pop culture under our belts. We owe ourselves some silk pajamas or some fancy table linens. That's right; twelfth anniversary gifts are traditionally silk or linen. So, let's just pretend we're reading this from a lovely, linen scroll, okay?

This week's No. 1 and  No. 3 searches on Google involve sports. In fact, many of the top searches this week involve sports. We shall skip those.  The No. 2 search is Blake Lively. The actress is expecting her first child with her husband, Ryan Reynolds. The Internet is very excited about this news. As far as I can tell, the pair does not have a Hollywood couple nickname. I even conducted a semi-thorough search for one. Nothin'. I shall name them "Blyan." No, no, "Rake." Okay. I'm starting to see why one does not exist. Wait, "Ry-Blake?" Nope. There is no J-Lo or Brangelina for these two. "Blynolds?" Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

Teresa Giudice is the No. 4 Google search. The real housewife of New Jersey has been sentenced to 15 months in prison for fraud. Her husband, Joe, has been sentenced to 41 months. Joe admitted that he took out false loans in her name because "her credit was better." Teresa admitted that she needs to learn to read things before signing them. Her new goal is to "become a better person." I bet they get a reality show. I don't know the rules about filming in a prison, but it seems ripe for the picking. I hope they get one. I won't watch it, but I hope they get one.

There are so many top searches this week that aren't sports! I want to tell you all about them, but this fancy linen scroll only holds so much. Commence top search montage now! Okay, get a fast-paced, synthy, inspirational song of your choice rolling in your head. And go! Twin Peaks is back! David Lynch is excited about it. Raven-Symone told Oprah that she's "just a human that loves humans." She doesn't want to be labeled as gay or African-American. Hulk Hogan's son, Nick, is the first male victim of the Fappening. Bruce Jenner appeared in public with long, flowing locks. Montage complete! You may now stop the mental synth song.

Bill Murray

One of the top viewed videos on YouTube this week is "St. Vincent - Bill Murray Sings Bob Dylan - the Weinstein Company." It is exactly as titled. Here is what stood out to me as I watched this video. There is a lawn chair that is a love seat. A classic green lawn chair, but double the width. I didn't know such a thing exists. Just as I got excited about the chair, Mr. Murray sat down, and I noticed the chair rocked. A rocking, lawn chair loveseat! What anniversary is that the present? I desperately need this contraption in my life.

I'm going to try to stop thinking about this seat, so that I can continue. This week, I've once again subjected myself to popular music by way of the top-viewed music videos. I watched the entire video for FIBI's "Love is So Lame." It sounded like a whinier and non-catchy Taylor Swift song. Twice someone who sounded like Jay-Z said, "Turn the lights off" in what sounded like the intro to a rap interlude. The rapping never surfaced. I did not enjoy this song at all. I had never heard of FIBI, but based on this song, I do not like her. I mostly sat through the entire video because I was still in a daze thinking about that chair.

This luxurious, linen scroll is almost out of room, so I must now tell you about the Kardashian game. Kim graciously released an update to allow for marriage. And just like Kim did, you can get married in Florence. The city was added to the game with the update. I cannot maintain a relationship in the game, and will unlikely make it to a Florence wedding. People break up with me because I work too much. My only option to get them back is to charm them with K-stars, which I do not have because I will not spend real money. #realornotthesinglelifesformeiguess

Ashley Bright is a writer/performer at Dallas Comedy House. She’s a graduate of the DCH Improv Training Program and is currently a level 3 sketch writing student. You can see her perform every weekend at Dallas Comedy House.

What We're Loving: Scene-Breaking Rap, Sweating Out Our Perms, The Greatest Movie Poster Ever

028_heart-free-vector-lEach Friday, DCH performers, teachers, and students offer their recommendations for what to watch, read, see, hear, or experience. This week David Allison gives you a chance to make amends, Julia Cotton annoys her beautician, and Ryan Callahan loses a battle, but wins a war. 

I love alliteration!  In celebration of that fact, I’m creating “Movie Soundtrack March” to showcase great comedy soundtracks that go underappreciated.  The only rule for my weekly pick is that the soundtrack has to mostly be comprised of original music.  

Sometimes, something so important happens it causes you to reevaluate things.  The sheer magnitude of the event forces you to view life through a different lens.  Occasionally, it even demands that you slightly modify the random theme for your once a week blog post.  I know that I’m supposed to focus on movie soundtracks this month, but there was a musical moment in one of television’s best comedies that cannot be ignored.  I tried to stay on track, but there’s no stopping the power of the Dean’s rap on the latest episode of Community.

I know you know what I’m talking about.  If you don’t, then I hate you and the only way you can win back my affection is by putting this 1:11 clip on repeat for the next 72 hours.  I can’t quite pin down exactly why the rap is so funny.  Perhaps because it’s so well written.  Maybe it’s because the man portraying Dean Pelton, Jim Rash, is a proven talent and an Oscar winner.  Who knows, it might be due to the fact that a tiny white man is rapping hard while dressed as a candy bar.  No one will ever know, but it’s impossible to ignore that this clip is the best thing on tv ever.  Still don’t believe me?  Well check out exhibit D, a .gif of Gillian Jacobs, A PROFESSIONAL ACTRESS, barely keeping it together.  It's that funny. - David Allison 

14517_10152631209974056_1575422524_nAin’t no party like a DCH party cuz a DCH party don’t stop!

As much as I love watching and performing in shows, I have the most fun at DCH when performances are done.  There’s bountiful drinking, dancing and singing with abandon, and blatant, unapologetic sweating.  That is a sign of a good time.

I didn’t party much in high school.  I spent my time studying because I understood the importance of education. No. I didn’t get invited to many parties and studying just became a way to pass the time.  That is also a lie.  I didn’t study as much as I figured out different ways to enjoy cheese (best way: just get a plate of shredded Colby Jack & Cheddar and melt that bad boy in the microwave.  Don’t even need the tortilla chips.)

 College parties were still mostly a drag.  I usually went with girls who just wanted to be seen.  They’d spend tons of money on outfits and grooming.  We were always ridiculously late because no one really knew what time “fashionable” really was.  And when we got there, no one wanted to move, because, ‘Do you know how much it took to put this look together?’ - ‘No, but do you know how much cheese I gave up to put this outfit on?’ So, there we were, a group of girls prepared to star in Jay Zs Big Pimpin’ video, just posted in a corner.

 After college… well, I had kids, so parties were few and far between.  Still, I dreamed of a time when I could be amongst people who just wanted to have fun with me.  Like real fun.  Like, I-got-my-hair-did-but-I-fully-intend-on-sweating-out-this-perm-before-the-night-is-over, fun.  That time has come a many a night at DCH.

With the Dallas Comedy Festival this week, it is a party everyday.  I had the pleasure of performing with Dairy Based on Thursday night. Still, I know the best night will be the last day of the festival, when all of the performances are done, the music is blaring and my beautician is annoyed at all of the Facebook pics showing that her work has been destroyed. - Julia Cotton 

IMG-20140321-00279As some of you may know, I moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago. Thanks to the move, I now have my own study, full of books on shelves and books in boxes and books on the floor and WWE action figures on top of bookshelves. Oh, there's also a desk, you know, in case I need to write something. This past week I finally got around to decorating. You see, there had been an ongoing debate between me and my girlfriend over the placement of my Japanese Tango & Cash poster.

Just so we’re clear, the poster is not an advertisement for some sort of Japanese knock-off of Tango & Cash starring Sonny Chiba and Takeshi Kitano, (although that movie would be awesome,) it’s the real thing, a poster for the 1989 action movie Tango & Cash IN JAPANESE. The whole poster is in Japanese, except for the word “Tango” the word “Cash” and the phrase “Let’s Do It!” which is apparently a catchphrase from the movie. I had no idea.

My girlfriend failed to appreciate the greatness of this poster and the greatness of Tango & Cash in general. You see Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell play two LA super cops who are framed by crime lord Jack Palance and sent to prison. One super cop is enough for me to drop everything, push old ladies out of the way, and run to the closest theater. Tango & Cash has TWO super cops. And one of them iss Kurt Russell of Big Trouble in Little China fame. And the other is Rambo Balboa. When they write the definitive history of the late 20th century, Tango & Cash will play a prominent role.

My girlfriend was moved by exactly none of my arguments. So instead of the Tango & Cash poster having place of honor in our living room, it now hangs in my study. Where it belongs. Let's do it! - Ryan Callahan