Jerry Jones

Sports Fan Fiction: Win One for the Jerry Jones-er

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The NFL season came to an end as the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks squared off in the Super Bowl. Everyone involved in the league dreams of being part of the big game, and this year Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones took his destiny into his own hands. Jones worked his way into the locker room of the now champs at halftime to deliver a speech that many are calling “the best fake speech ever.” Here is the exclusive transcript of his words.

 

Locker Room, University of Phoenix Stadium, Half-time

Jerry Jones

Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(puts down his whiskey)...bitching about that tackle you missed, some son-of-a-bitch that brought you down in the backfield, somebody that ran the wrong route, some broad you're trying to screw and so forth. Let's talk about something important. (To coach) Are they all here?

Coach

All but one, but Mr. Jones you have no affiliation with this team...

Jerry Jones

Well I’m going anyway--Well, boys...I haven't a thing to say. Played a great game...all of you. Great game. I guess we just can't expect to win ‘em all. I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself for years--None of you ever knew Dez Bryant, it was long before your time. But you know what a tradition he is in the NFL…

Coach

Dez is still in the league...

Jerry Jones

And the last thing he said to me--"Jerry," he said--"sometimes, when the team is up against it--and the breaks are beating the Cowboys--tell them to go out there with all they got and win just one for the man who puts his forearms into an X...

(Jerry’s eyes become misty and his voice is unsteady as he finishes.)

Coach

Wait, that whole sentence is his nickname?

Jerry Jones

I don't know where I'll be then, Jerry," he said, "but I'll know about it--and I'll be happy."

(There is a hushed stillness/incredible confusion as Jerry Jones and the crowd of men look at each other.)

Jerry Jones

Dez and the rest of the Cowboys couldn’t be here this week. So let’s go win one for the Gipper. I mean Dez.

Coach

Mr. Jones, are you done? You have nothing to do with our team, and we’ve really got to get back to preparing for the second half.

Jerry Jones

Sorry boys, I’ve just had a really hard time after they overturned that Dez catch. I went on a bender that will allow every child the Johnnie Walker family ever has to go to college. It’s bad. I felt like we actually had a chance to be in this locker room and play for a championship, so to watch another team play has not been easy. I’m sorry if I disrupted your preparations, I’ll show myself out.

(Jones moves towards the door.)

But could y’all do me a favor? Could you go out there and play as hard and as fast and as good as you can? Don’t do it for yourselves or for the coaches, do it for the people like me that couldn’t be here. Get out there and win this football game!

PLAYER # 12

Well, what are we waiting for?

(With a single roar, the players rushed through the doorway on their way to victory.)

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter@MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update@AlternateUpdate. He performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.

Sports Fan Fiction: The Gift

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The Dallas Cowboys avenged their Thanksgiving day defeat by throttling the Philadelphia Eagles 38-27. Though there were numerous noteworthy performances on the field, one of the most interesting portions of the affair was that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent the entire game in the suite of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. What did they discuss? The following is a fake account of what the unlikely pair talked about.

Sunday 12.14.14 [7:07 PM] Jerry Jones and his wife Gene were finally starting to allow themselves to enjoy the party. Over the last few days, they had done everything to ensure that this event went off without a hitch, and it appeared the couple was in the clear. The only hurdle left was welcoming their guest of honor to the suite.

“So we’ve got everything ready for him? We’re all ready to go?’ Jerry nervously asked his wife.

“Absolutely! Oh, but there is one thing I wanted to go over with you…”

“JERRY JONES!” bellowed New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The less-rotund-than-he-used-to-be man still commanded the same amount of attention that he always had. “How’s it hangin’?”

“Let’s talk about it later hon’,” Jerry said to Gene before turning his attention to the man of the hour. “Chris, my man, I’m doing mighty good. How’s about you?”

“Can’t complain, can’t complain, I mean hell, I get to watch some Cowboys football in a suite! Life don’t get much better than this,” Christie continued as he looked out the window to survey the view.

“Well, we do believe it’ll be a good time. Would you like a drink?”

“Sure, but before drinks, I wanted to give you something,” the Governor said before snapping his fingers toward one of his aides. In response, the young man in sunglasses and an ill-fitting suit retrieved a shoe-box sized present, pristinely wrapped, from his messenger bag. “With the holidays comin’ up and on account of you bein’ so nice to me and hookin’ me up with this suite ‘n all, I wanted to get you a present.”

Jerry Jones was stunned. Somehow, in the fever of preparation, Jones had completely forgotten that rich people code demands that presents be exchanged at nearly every interaction during the holidays. Not giving a gift to another wealthy person, especially when one is given to you, can lead to harsh scorn and judgement.

“Oh, thank...you,” the befuddled owner managed. The conversation of all the other guests had ceased as they focused in on the interaction between the governor and the Cowboys owner.

What was Jerry going to do? He’d committed similar faux pas in the past, but never to a politician. In the past, when something like this came up, he’d simply grab a possession from his home and hand it over as a gift that he’d “forgotten” to wrap. But this time he wasn’t at home, he wasn’t even in Dallas.

“Jerry—” Mrs. Jones started.

“Just give me a moment, Gene!” Jerry said, cutting her off.

Jerry Jones surveyed the room for something, anything to give away. “Maybe I could give him a ¾-full bottle of Johnnie Walker,” he thought, “Or that leather chair against the wall; everyone needs a chair! Wait, I can’t give that away, it belongs to the stadium. What about cash? It’s a bit gauche, but everyone could use a few extra bucks around the holidays!” Jones slyly thumbed through his wallet and found that he only had eight thousand dollars in cash on him, far below the currency necessary to be considered a proper gift per the rich people code.

“Ahem,” Christie interrupted.

It appeared that Jerry Jones had gone silent for too long. He took the present from the aide and placed it on the bar height table to his right. Before Jones began to open the present, he momentarily shut his eyes and prayed that this was all a dream. Then, suddenly, an idea!

“You know Chris, why don’t we just wait until after the game to open these up. I got you something too and I’d hate for my great gift to distract you from the game.” Jones knew that if he could postpone the gift exchange, he’d have time to send someone out to buy a gift. “Trust me, my thing is so cool that you’re not going to be able to concentrate on this Cowboys win once you open it.”

“Nah, let’s go ahead and do it now, I’ve gotta leave to get back to Jersey pretty quick. So what-a ya waitin’ for ya big dummy. Open it up!” Christie’s latest remark had garnered cheers from the excited group of onlookers and a single, silent, jeer from Jerry Jones. He was going to have to open the present.

Jerry Jones methodically began to open up the gift from Chris Christie, hoping the extra moments would buy him the time necessary to think of what to do.

“Come on! You Texans open up gifts like my grandmother drives—too carefully! Oh!” The governor hammered home his point by grabbing the gift and violently removing the wrapping paper.

Now Jones was face to face with his present and, at first glance, it looked like Christie had dropped the ball. Finally, some hope as it appeared the Cowboys owner was going to be able to escape the situation unscathed. “This looks like it’s just a bunch of Bruce Springsteen CDs. What, did you get this out of your car on the way over here?” he joked, riding high on the moment.

“Haha Jerry, they’re not normal CDs. I had my buddy Bruce Springsteen, BRUCE, re-record his entire discography. He changed every lyric from being somethin’ about Jersey to somethin’ about Texas or the Cowboys or whatever. I thought you’d like it after we saw that concert together in the Garden last year.” Christie’s justification drew a round of applause from the guests of Jerry Jones.

Check mate.

Chris Christie’s gift was such a beautiful combination of phenomenal and heartfelt that Jones had no recourse. He inhaled, savoring the last moments of his wonderful life, before beginning to utter the words that would bring his world crashing down.

“Chris, that’s a mighty fine gift, thank you. I—”

“Wait Jerry,” Gene Jones interrupted. “Now how are you going to give a gift if it’s in my purse?” She stepped forward and gave her husband a knowing wink before whispering, “I’ll handle this.”

Chris Christie gave a broad smile and let out a huge laugh. “Oh you two, you really had me goin’. Honestly Jerry, I was starting to think you didn’t get me anything!" The room erupted in laughter.

Gene Jones continued her approach as she began to describe the gift. “Now Chris, Jerry and I really enjoyed the trip all of us took to south Texas last year.”

“It was a wonderful vacation, one of the best weeks of my life,” Christie confirmed.

“Well, this here is the deed to the city of San Antonio. They owed us a favor after we put training camp there a few years back, so I pulled some strings and now you own it,” Mrs. Jones said as she handed the governor the document.

“Whoa, you bought me a city! Thanks Mrs. J!” Chris Christie snatched the present out of her hands before rushing back to show it off to his staff. A cascade of “whoa,” “cool,” and “righteous” could be heard from their huddle.

Gene Jones turned back to face her husband.

Confronted with his social situation savior, the Cowboys owner launched into the first of his many questions, “How did you know I would—”

“Oh Jerry,” she interrupted. “I’ve had years of experience cleaning up your mistakes.”

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week can be seen Thursday (12/18/14) at 8 p.m.  for a one-night-only holiday themed radio play with David & Terry and Friday (12/19/14) at 10:30 p.m. as Elton John in the monthly show Face 2 Face. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.