Mavericks

Sports Fan Fiction: Chandler Parsons Finally Makes His Mother Proud

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The Dallas Mavericks are headed into the All-Star break in the thick of the Western Conference playoff race. Best of all, the club has finally started to see some great production out of Chandler Parsons, who is averaging 17 points per game in February. Some believe his improved performance is a sign that he’s finally getting acclimated with the system, but Sports Fan Fiction believe it’s because Parsons is excited about his acting debut on Tuesday's episode of the Disney show Kirby Buckets. Here is a fake account of Chandler’s real day on the set.

Disney Studios, 3:03 a.m.

“Excuse me, but I’ve just got one more question,” Chandler Parsons said as he walked off camera and ruined yet another take.

The director couldn’t believe that his guest star was still asking questions. Eleven hours in, and the cameras hadn't even started rolling. “Chandler, I told ya, it’s all going to end up fine if you just trust us and--”

“It’s just that I’m unsure of what my posture should look like. Should I slump my shoulders because my character has gone through a long day? Should my back be rigid because of my strong upbringing? And I know I keep asking this question, but what religion am I?”

“Look, you’re just playing yourself here. All that needs to happen in this scene is for Kirby to walk up to you, ask for an autograph, and then you reply, 'Sure thing kid, who do I make it out to?' Two sentences, that’s all I’m looking for.”

“OK, I got ya, I got ya. But like is this a parallel universe wherein I’m also an actor or?” Parsons just wouldn’t give up.

“No!  You’re Chandler Parsons, the basketball player!”

“Are you sure that I’m the best man for the part?”

“I’m starting to doubt it...” The director took a brief moment to compose himself. “Chandler, we only have time to try this a couple of times before I have to let the crew go home. Can we please give this a shot?”

Chandler Parsons reached into his pocket and pulled out the key chain that his mother gave him so many years ago. On the front were the Greek masks of comedy/tragedy, while the back simply read, “ABA: Always Be Acting.” Parsons squeezed the trinket tight and nodded his head to indicate that he was ready.

The Dallas Mavericks forward reached his mark and began to do some vocalized warm-ups. “Red leather, yellow leather, red leather--”

“QUIET ON THE SET,” the director shouted. “ACTION!”

The teenage boy that would someday become a former child star, ambled his way into the frame. “Oh boy, it’s Chandler Parsons! Can I have your autograph?”

“Haha, you got me. Speaking of getting people, don’t you think it’s weird that they never figured out who murdered JonBenet Ramsey? You want to help me solve the case?”

“CUT! Chandler, what on Earth are you doing?”

“Well you said I’m playing me and that murder case has been on my mind lately. Plus, I figured, if he said yes I could get a spin off!”

“Chandler, stick to the script please. Let’s move back to one, places people. And...ACTION!”

“Oh boy, it’s Chandler Parsons! Can I have your autograph?”

“My autograph, that’s worth nothing, but how about this watch. Check it out! My great-great-grandfather earned this watch in Hanoi. For five years, he had to keep it in his--”

“CUT!”

“Aw man, I was just getting into it, I was going to deliver the monologue from Pulp Fiction, I love that movie!”

“Two lines! That’s all I’m asking for!” The director couldn’t believe that he was still having this conversation.

“If I’m being honest, it kind of bothers me that I’m so much taller than the kid. Should I stand in the background so that forced perspective makes us look the same height?”

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? Just stop it! Why do you keep doing this? Too many basketballs to the head leave you concussed? I guess the dumb jock stereotype is true.”

Chandler Parsons was crushed, though he managed a meek “I’m...sorry” before breaking down into tears. Parsons wiped away the waterworks with his wristband and fixed his gaze on the director. “You just don’t know what it’s like. All of my life, my mom said that she wanted me to be an actor. Every birthday for as long as I can remember, I didn’t get clothes or music or gift cards, I got scripts. I tried to be an actor, I tried, I swear, but by middle school I was so much taller than everyone else that they wouldn’t cast me. My height forced me to give up the only dream my mother had for me. When I found out that you guys wanted me to be in an episode, I was ecstatic. I called my mom right away and for the first time in my life... she said... that she was proud of me. The first time! To know that I’m blowing my only chance to earn her love is just hard to take.” Parsons reached into his pocket, grabbed the Always be Acting key chain and chucked it across the room in a fit of rage.

The director saddled up next to Parsons as he finally realized how much this meant to the player. “Chandler, I had no idea, I’m so sorry. Working on set can be really stressful, and I’m sorry if I took it out on you. If you’d like, can we give this one more try? I really want you to be in this episode.”

Through an avalanche of sniffled sobbing, Parsons took in a deep breath; he was ready to make his mother proud.

“OK, places everyone,” said the now hopeful director.

“Wait, one second!” Chandler ran over to the wall and picked up the pieces of the Always be Acting key chain before running back to his mark.

“For mom,” he whispered to himself.

“ACTION!”

The hopeful teenage entered the scene and said, “Oh boy, it’s Chandler Parsons! Can I have your autograph?”

“Sure thing kid, who do I make it out to?”

“CUT! We got it.” The director collapsed into his chair.

Finally, after graduating from college, making tens of millions of dollars and attaining a whole bunch of Twitter followers, Chandler Parsons did the one thing he had never been able to do before; make his mother proud.

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter@MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update@AlternateUpdate. He performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week you can see him improvise on Friday, February 13, with David & Terry at 10:30 p.m. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.

Sports Fan Fiction: Convincing Jermaine O'Neal to Come Out of Retirement

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: With a record of 30-15, the Dallas Mavericks are clearly one of the best teams in the NBA. The club boasts experience, balanced scoring, solid defense, everything needed to become a championship contender, except depth. Desperate for a big man, the Mavericks have attempted to persuade 36-year-old Jermaine O’Neal out of retirement, hoping that he can put them over the top. Here is a fictitious account of the negotiations.

Jermaine O’Neal made his way through the brush to his remote home. Over the last year, the former basketball player had created a brand new life for himself in a small, remote shack. Sporting a long beard and disheveled appearance, the only clue to his previous life was his ever present headband.

As O’Neal approached his residence, he noticed that his front door was ajar. Preparing to face the wild animal that made it’s way inside, the forward quickly snatched the knife he whittled from his Most Improved Player award. He slowly opened the door to find that the animal inside was the wildest of all: man.

“You’re not an easy man to find,” said Donnie Nelson, president of basketball operations for the Dallas Mavericks.

“I like it that way,” mumbled O’Neal, as he put away his weapon.

Nelson began to walk around the space. “This sure is a great place you’ve got here. The wife and I always talk about taking a vacation like this, you know just getting away--”

“Get to the point.”

“As you wish. Jermaine--”

O’Neal interrupted again. “I go by Tiger’s Paw now.”

“OK, Tiger’s Paw, we need you. We’ve created a great basketball team and feel like your presence would help us get another title. We’re prepared to make you a very strong offer,” Nelson said, motioning to the steel briefcase handcuffed to his side.

“I don’t dunk basketballs anymore; you’re wasting your time.” Jermaine O’Neal approached Mr. Nelson and ushered him out the door. “Looks like a storm is brewing out there. If you leave now, you should be able to make it back to the main roads by the time--”

“LeBron is back.”

The words hit Jermaine O’Neal like a ton of Shaq free throws.

Nelson continued. “He’s amassing a team, a legitimate team. When he first started, everyone thought that he would just screw this up again. We thought we had time. But it really looks like the group LeBron has put together could win the title. This year. And you know just as well as I do that if he wins a title in his first year, he’ll have enough momentum that he may never lose again. The NBA could go three, five, hell, even 10 years with the same champion. A whole generation of amazing basketball players never able to win a championship because of the selfish desires of LeBron James.”

“Mr. Nelson, I would love to help you out, but I’m not the same man I was before, I’m retired.”

“We don’t need you to do much, just play 10-15 minutes a game.”

O’Neal quickly replied, “That’s what they said in Golden State last year, and I ended up playing double that.”

“Our offer is very competitive,” Nelson started.

Jermaine O’Neal gazed out the window at the rain that had begun to fall. “You know, when I was a kid, storms like this used to terrify me. I’d always worry that it was never going to end, that because it was raining at that moment it was going to rain forever. Things lasting forever, heh, such a childish notion.” The basketball player exhaled deeply, fogging up the window in front of him with lament, before turning back to face the president of the Mavericks. “Mr. Nelson, I don’t think I can help your team, no matter what the offer is.”

“We’re going to offer you 1.2 million dollars.”

“Wait, really? For like five months work? OK, I’m in.”

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week you can check out the sketch revue he directed titled “January UP!” on Thursday at 8 p.m. or see him improvise on Saturday, January 31, with David & Terry at 7:30 p.m. and The Rift at 10:30 p.m. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.

Sports Fan Fiction: Radio Silence

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The city of Dallas is abuzz with anticipation as the Dallas Cowboys prepare to host the Detroit Lions in the first round of the playoffs. With so much attention going toward the Cowboys, many fans are completely ignoring the other teams in the area. Here is a fictional account of what those other teams are up to this week.

Dallas Mavericks: Tuesday 12.30.14 [8:30 AM] Tyson Chandler yawned into his gigantic hand as he wearily strode into the Dallas Mavericks practice facility. All players had been summoned to a mandatory meeting with team owner Mark Cuban.

“Probably some bullshit about being safe over the holidays,” he muttered to himself.

Chandler opened the door into the film room and realized that he was the last player to arrive. The Mavericks center quickly made his way to an open seat.

“Great, Tyson’s here, OK, let’s go,” a caffeinated Mark Cuban decreed. He stood in front of the room with the sort of commanding presence that you’d expect a billionaire to have. His words did not match his confident posture.

“So, team, cool, we’re having a solid year thus far and I can’t wait to see what we can do in 2015, awesome, thanks, you’re going great,” Cuban said in a single breath. “Thanks for coming in early, you guys are the best, here’s what I wanted to meet about. Sunday, the Cowboys have a playoff game, not sure if you knew that, haha, just kidding, of course you guys knew that, you’re all great. The media in the metroplex is only worried about the Cowboys this week, so feel free to do whatever you want.”

A perplexed Tyson Chandler raised his hand to seek clarification. “Wait, Mr. Cuban, did you say that we can do whatever we want this week? Like we don’t have a curfew?” A few of the players murmured in agreement as no one knew what Cuban was talking about.

“No Tyson, my man, I mean you can do anything you want this week. Think of the time between now and Sunday as completely free time. You can do whatever you want, wherever, and with whomever you choose. You could even watch Shark Tank! We’ve got a great—”

“AHEM,” Mavericks Coach Rick Carlisle interrupted in an attempt to get his wired boss back on track.

“Sorry, my apologies guys, don’t mean to waste your time, I just get so excited! No one cares about the Mavericks this week. If you want to get arrested, do it now. If you want to buy heroin from a prostitute, do it now. If you want to come out and say that 9/11 was an inside job, do it now. Each one of you has free reign to do or say anything, because the media is only focused on the Cowboys.”

Texas Rangers: Friday 1.2.15 [12:14 PM] John Blake stepped up to the podium for his weekly press briefing. The Texas Rangers spokesman was used to light crowds during the winter months, but today the group of media personnel was sparser than ever. He couldn’t tell for sure, but there couldn’t have been more than five members of the press, two of which were asleep and one he knew to be deaf.

“Good afternoon, I’ve just got a couple of team transactions that we would like to formally announce. We’ve made an option to Triple A infielder…”

Before he could even get the players name out of his mouth, one of the members of the press ran out of the room. Turned out that Tony Romo was spotted at a Starbucks in Frisco, and Channel 8 needed a reporter at the scene.

Blake resumed. “That infielder was—”

Another reporter burst out of the room shouting “I’ll be there in five!” The location the correspondent was referencing was the dog park where DeMarco Murray’s yellow lab has just stepped on a rock.

“Is anyone still here?” Blake asked the void. Silence was the only response. “And that infielder was Adrian Beltre.” Blake chuckled to himself at the joke as the Rangers would never send their All-Star third baseman down to the minors. Still, the room gave no reaction, and it was clear that no one was paying attention. He decided to see what he could get away with.

“We’ve also signed the following players:

  • Mike Trout
  • Hank Aaron
  • Michael Jordan”

Blake was now convinced he could say anything he wanted.

“I guess I’ll keep going here…

  • Iggy Azalea
  • A refrigerator
  • Your mom
  • A dog that we believe can play baseball
  • That pencil that Bob Dole holds
  • Another refrigerator, just in case the first one shorts out
  • Me
  • Dez Bryant”

“DID YOU SAY DEZ BRYANT?” One of the sleeping reporters was wide awake now. “Mr. Blake, do you have any thoughts on how the Cowboys' wide receivers match up against the Lions secondary?”

Dallas Stars: Sunday 1.4.15 [6:30 PM]

“Good evening, Stars fans and welcome to Chicago! Tonight we’ve got a great game between the Stars and the Blackhawks that...aw, who am I kidding, nobody’s watching this right now.” Dallas Stars' play-by-play man, Ralph Strangis, suddenly realized his fate; no one would be tuning in today. Exasperated, he looked off camera to his producer and shouted, “Hey Nick! Whose idea was it to schedule regular season hockey during a Cowboys playoff game?”

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week can be seen Wednesday (12/31/14) in the special New Years Eve show. Doors open at 9 p.m. for the hour-long improv show that is to be followed by drinks, dancing, and probable debauchery. Also you can check him out Saturday (1/3/15) for the Family Friendly show at 6 p.m. and David & Terry at 10:30 p.m. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.