Twelve weeks a tagged. Yep, we have 12 #ashtags of learning about today's pop culture under our belts. We owe ourselves some silk pajamas or some fancy table linens. That's right; twelfth anniversary gifts are traditionally silk or linen. So, let's just pretend we're reading this from a lovely, linen scroll, okay?
This week's No. 1 and No. 3 searches on Google involve sports. In fact, many of the top searches this week involve sports. We shall skip those. The No. 2 search is Blake Lively. The actress is expecting her first child with her husband, Ryan Reynolds. The Internet is very excited about this news. As far as I can tell, the pair does not have a Hollywood couple nickname. I even conducted a semi-thorough search for one. Nothin'. I shall name them "Blyan." No, no, "Rake." Okay. I'm starting to see why one does not exist. Wait, "Ry-Blake?" Nope. There is no J-Lo or Brangelina for these two. "Blynolds?" Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
Teresa Giudice is the No. 4 Google search. The real housewife of New Jersey has been sentenced to 15 months in prison for fraud. Her husband, Joe, has been sentenced to 41 months. Joe admitted that he took out false loans in her name because "her credit was better." Teresa admitted that she needs to learn to read things before signing them. Her new goal is to "become a better person." I bet they get a reality show. I don't know the rules about filming in a prison, but it seems ripe for the picking. I hope they get one. I won't watch it, but I hope they get one.
There are so many top searches this week that aren't sports! I want to tell you all about them, but this fancy linen scroll only holds so much. Commence top search montage now! Okay, get a fast-paced, synthy, inspirational song of your choice rolling in your head. And go! Twin Peaks is back! David Lynch is excited about it. Raven-Symone told Oprah that she's "just a human that loves humans." She doesn't want to be labeled as gay or African-American. Hulk Hogan's son, Nick, is the first male victim of the Fappening. Bruce Jenner appeared in public with long, flowing locks. Montage complete! You may now stop the mental synth song.
One of the top viewed videos on YouTube this week is "St. Vincent - Bill Murray Sings Bob Dylan - the Weinstein Company." It is exactly as titled. Here is what stood out to me as I watched this video. There is a lawn chair that is a love seat. A classic green lawn chair, but double the width. I didn't know such a thing exists. Just as I got excited about the chair, Mr. Murray sat down, and I noticed the chair rocked. A rocking, lawn chair loveseat! What anniversary is that the present? I desperately need this contraption in my life.
I'm going to try to stop thinking about this seat, so that I can continue. This week, I've once again subjected myself to popular music by way of the top-viewed music videos. I watched the entire video for FIBI's "Love is So Lame." It sounded like a whinier and non-catchy Taylor Swift song. Twice someone who sounded like Jay-Z said, "Turn the lights off" in what sounded like the intro to a rap interlude. The rapping never surfaced. I did not enjoy this song at all. I had never heard of FIBI, but based on this song, I do not like her. I mostly sat through the entire video because I was still in a daze thinking about that chair.
This luxurious, linen scroll is almost out of room, so I must now tell you about the Kardashian game. Kim graciously released an update to allow for marriage. And just like Kim did, you can get married in Florence. The city was added to the game with the update. I cannot maintain a relationship in the game, and will unlikely make it to a Florence wedding. People break up with me because I work too much. My only option to get them back is to charm them with K-stars, which I do not have because I will not spend real money. #realornotthesinglelifesformeiguess
Ashley Bright is a writer/performer at Dallas Comedy House. She’s a graduate of the DCH Improv Training Program and is currently a level 3 sketch writing student. You can see her perform every weekend at Dallas Comedy House.