Stars

Sports Fan Fiction: Tyler Seguin Makes an Enemy

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The playoff hopes of the Dallas Stars took a huge hit when Tyler Seguin was taken out on a dirty play by Dmitry Kulikov. Seguin, the leading scorer on the team, will likely be out for three-to-six weeks. Many have pointed to the play as another example of unnecessary violence in hockey, but Sports Fan Fiction has the real background on how the injury came about.

First Period (10:33 left until intermission) The first interaction between our players happened as the Panthers and Stars encircled for an early game face off. Before the puck is dropped, Kulikov skates in to check on Tyler Seguin.

“Hey Tyler, Tyler! Great season so far this year man, you’re killing it!”

“Oh, thanks,” said a focused Seguin.

“Hey man, have you played Evolve yet? It’s such a great game, you should check it out, we could play online!” The Panthers defenseman could barely hold his excitement.

“I don’t really have time for that stuff right now, trying to get into the playoffs.”

“No, I totally get it man, I understand. But hey, if like you had a bunch of free time you’d totally play with me, right?”

“Yeah, sure,” Seguin said, as he attempted to just diffuse the situation.

“Cool man, see ya around! Get it? Around the rink, which is round, haha, we’re having fun. See ya!” Dmitry Kulikov skated off elated that he had made a new friend.

Second Period (4:18 left until intermission) “FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.”

Play is whistled dead as the Stars are called for yet another offsides. As Tyler Seguin skated back to position, his new friend checked in.

“Tyler! Hey man, remember me from earlier, it’s Dmitry! I said the thing about seeing you around, and so here we are. Oh man, this is fun, do you like hockey?”

“I guess,” Seguin responded.

“Yeah me too, me too, I think it’s the best. What would you say is like your favorite hockey thing? For me it’s the puck, because I just get it and I’m all, look at this, I’m gonna score a goal!”

By now Seguin could barely contain his laughter. “Dmitry, you’ve gotta chill out man.”

“I’ve been told that before, haha! Good thing I play hockey! GET IT? Chill because it’s cold, hey will you be the best man at my wedding? I don’t have a girlfriend yet or anything, so it won’t be soon! I just wanna make sure you’re gonna be there to back me up.”

“Dude, I barely know you,” Seguin said, finally starting to feel creeped out.

“Oh yeah, yeah, you’re right, no need to rush things. Hey good luck today, I hope your team wins! Don’t tell the Panthers I said anything! LOL!”

Warmups before the Third Period Tyler Seguin and teammate Jamie Benn relaxed on the bench before the final period was to begin.

“Oh man Jamie, you’re not going to believe this. You know that Kulikov kid on Florida?”

“Yeah, the one with the stupid teeth?”

“Haha, that’s the one! Turns out that loser wants to be my friend. He’s all talking to me during the game about how he wants to hang out and stuff, it’s kind of sad. I couldn’t believe how dumb he…”

Tyler Seguin looked up to see that standing right in front of the Stars bench was none other than Dmitry Kulikov.

“I guess you’re right about me, only a dumb idiot would want to be friends with you,” Kulikov said before quickly turning around to hide his tears.

Third Period (Time of injury) “OWWWWW!”

Tyler Seguin fell to the ice in pain after being taken out by Dmitry Kulikov. Before the trainers arrived at his side, Seguin locked eyes with his attacker.

“Hey man, enjoy the break! GET IT?!?”

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter@MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update@AlternateUpdate. He performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week you can see him improvise on Friday, February 20, with The Rift at 9 p.m. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.

Sports Fan Fiction: Radio Silence

Welcome to Sports Fan Fiction, a weekly showcase of fake stories involving the real athletes and decision makers of the Dallas sports scene. Sports Fan Fiction logoLast week: The city of Dallas is abuzz with anticipation as the Dallas Cowboys prepare to host the Detroit Lions in the first round of the playoffs. With so much attention going toward the Cowboys, many fans are completely ignoring the other teams in the area. Here is a fictional account of what those other teams are up to this week.

Dallas Mavericks: Tuesday 12.30.14 [8:30 AM] Tyson Chandler yawned into his gigantic hand as he wearily strode into the Dallas Mavericks practice facility. All players had been summoned to a mandatory meeting with team owner Mark Cuban.

“Probably some bullshit about being safe over the holidays,” he muttered to himself.

Chandler opened the door into the film room and realized that he was the last player to arrive. The Mavericks center quickly made his way to an open seat.

“Great, Tyson’s here, OK, let’s go,” a caffeinated Mark Cuban decreed. He stood in front of the room with the sort of commanding presence that you’d expect a billionaire to have. His words did not match his confident posture.

“So, team, cool, we’re having a solid year thus far and I can’t wait to see what we can do in 2015, awesome, thanks, you’re going great,” Cuban said in a single breath. “Thanks for coming in early, you guys are the best, here’s what I wanted to meet about. Sunday, the Cowboys have a playoff game, not sure if you knew that, haha, just kidding, of course you guys knew that, you’re all great. The media in the metroplex is only worried about the Cowboys this week, so feel free to do whatever you want.”

A perplexed Tyson Chandler raised his hand to seek clarification. “Wait, Mr. Cuban, did you say that we can do whatever we want this week? Like we don’t have a curfew?” A few of the players murmured in agreement as no one knew what Cuban was talking about.

“No Tyson, my man, I mean you can do anything you want this week. Think of the time between now and Sunday as completely free time. You can do whatever you want, wherever, and with whomever you choose. You could even watch Shark Tank! We’ve got a great—”

“AHEM,” Mavericks Coach Rick Carlisle interrupted in an attempt to get his wired boss back on track.

“Sorry, my apologies guys, don’t mean to waste your time, I just get so excited! No one cares about the Mavericks this week. If you want to get arrested, do it now. If you want to buy heroin from a prostitute, do it now. If you want to come out and say that 9/11 was an inside job, do it now. Each one of you has free reign to do or say anything, because the media is only focused on the Cowboys.”

Texas Rangers: Friday 1.2.15 [12:14 PM] John Blake stepped up to the podium for his weekly press briefing. The Texas Rangers spokesman was used to light crowds during the winter months, but today the group of media personnel was sparser than ever. He couldn’t tell for sure, but there couldn’t have been more than five members of the press, two of which were asleep and one he knew to be deaf.

“Good afternoon, I’ve just got a couple of team transactions that we would like to formally announce. We’ve made an option to Triple A infielder…”

Before he could even get the players name out of his mouth, one of the members of the press ran out of the room. Turned out that Tony Romo was spotted at a Starbucks in Frisco, and Channel 8 needed a reporter at the scene.

Blake resumed. “That infielder was—”

Another reporter burst out of the room shouting “I’ll be there in five!” The location the correspondent was referencing was the dog park where DeMarco Murray’s yellow lab has just stepped on a rock.

“Is anyone still here?” Blake asked the void. Silence was the only response. “And that infielder was Adrian Beltre.” Blake chuckled to himself at the joke as the Rangers would never send their All-Star third baseman down to the minors. Still, the room gave no reaction, and it was clear that no one was paying attention. He decided to see what he could get away with.

“We’ve also signed the following players:

  • Mike Trout
  • Hank Aaron
  • Michael Jordan”

Blake was now convinced he could say anything he wanted.

“I guess I’ll keep going here…

  • Iggy Azalea
  • A refrigerator
  • Your mom
  • A dog that we believe can play baseball
  • That pencil that Bob Dole holds
  • Another refrigerator, just in case the first one shorts out
  • Me
  • Dez Bryant”

“DID YOU SAY DEZ BRYANT?” One of the sleeping reporters was wide awake now. “Mr. Blake, do you have any thoughts on how the Cowboys' wide receivers match up against the Lions secondary?”

Dallas Stars: Sunday 1.4.15 [6:30 PM]

“Good evening, Stars fans and welcome to Chicago! Tonight we’ve got a great game between the Stars and the Blackhawks that...aw, who am I kidding, nobody’s watching this right now.” Dallas Stars' play-by-play man, Ralph Strangis, suddenly realized his fate; no one would be tuning in today. Exasperated, he looked off camera to his producer and shouted, “Hey Nick! Whose idea was it to schedule regular season hockey during a Cowboys playoff game?”

David Allison is a comedian based out of Dallas, Texas. You can follow him on Twitter @MrDavidAllison or keep up with his attempt to guess the jokes on Weekend Update @AlternateUpdate. He also performs regularly at the Dallas Comedy House, and this week can be seen Wednesday (12/31/14) in the special New Years Eve show. Doors open at 9 p.m. for the hour-long improv show that is to be followed by drinks, dancing, and probable debauchery. Also you can check him out Saturday (1/3/15) for the Family Friendly show at 6 p.m. and David & Terry at 10:30 p.m. Tickets at www.DallasComedyHouse.com.