The Freeman

Flu Reveals Future To Local Man

dreamstime_xs_9614672I was unconscious throughout the the final day of 2013, and from it I saw a vision. That vision was my 2014. Sidelined from all the parties and bad decisions, I awoke in the new year already on the road to recovery. And although my mind watched the ball drop at Times Square from within a fever dream, my terrible day revealed why contracting the flu is the greatest omen for a prosperous New Year one can ever have.

First, I contracted the disease by meeting someone new the night before. He was a blues musician with the voice of a tortured journeyman and the hand hygiene of a toddler. I helped carry some gear in to The Free Man where he was playing, and in turn, his medley of soulful music made me long for a harmonica. Little did I know the virus had already began to settle in, and in turn for breaking down my body, I was able to visit a new venue and meet someone interesting.

Prognostication: My 2014 will be full of new people who will leave a mark on my life and new experiences.

"But you slept all day and missed the festivities," they said. Nay, good sire -- I dreamt. And I dreamt hard. Outside of being scared to death by a melting Dick Clark counting down to the New Year, I saw my full day of rest as a chance to dream big and sleep deep. I also vaguely have a new movie pitch for Bruce Willis where he plays a tough, yet sensitive, State Farm agent who gets roped into, and then foils, a terrorist plot while he checks on a claim for hail damage.

Prognostication: This will be a year for being well rested and developing new ideas or concepts.

By now you're hopefully realizing that the flu is the equivalent of a Tarot card reading from Mrs. Cleo herself. The physical roller coaster the flu takes you on is a window to your future self, and your symptoms should be treated as so. Case in point, here's a few: My body shook uncontrollably from intense chills.

Prognostication: I'm going to be cooler than I was before. Or quite possibly have more hangouts with buds.

During the course of the day I had menopause-grade hot flashes, as well as no appetite thanks to overall crumminess and no tastebuds. I only awoke to eat the last square of a Danish coffee cake(might has well have been cotton balls) and some seafood soup(practically rubber erasers in brown water). Couple the limited eating and sweating profusely, and I was basically on day nine of a juice cleanse.

Prognostication: My eating habits will augment my body making me hotter in appearance.

But the fever. Oh, the fever. It slowly rose throughout the day and sent me on fiery thoughts that simulated the effects of what I can only assume someone on acid experiences. I may not have wanted to remember everything I saw that day but at least I got a great plot and ending for a novel. Spoiler for "The Truth for Us All": A habitual liar joins the circus, realizes no one goes to those anymore and quits mid tour. He then relaunches his life as a detective who sets up crimes only to solve them and look like a genius. It ends after he catches himself on purpose.

Prognostication: I will have more brain activity.

So while people were laughing it up and enjoying the moment, I was enjoying enlightenment. I don't regret missing the transition into 2014, nor being blindly sick. I saw into what good fortunes lie before me, and, needless to say, I have a lot of things going for me this year.

Andrew Plock is a blogging intern and a Level 2 student at Dallas Comedy House. When he’s not impersonating everything in earshot, he is cracking a whip as the Managing Editor for THWRD Magazine in Dallas.