Less than a week after winning the World Series for the first time in 108 years, the Chicago Cubs have stunned America again. In fact, the entire planet is flabbergasted after the Cubs won the U.S. presidential election Tuesday night through an unprecedented write-in campaign, winning precisely 270 electoral college votes.
“No one’s more shocked than we are,” admitted manager Joe Maddon. “No one saw this coming. Everyone wants to know about our transition plan. Heck, we haven’t even gotten to Disney World yet. Half of us are still hung over. We’re hoping they’ll give us a few extra days. Maybe lucky 108?”
Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred was summoned before a Congressional panel early Wednesday morning on suspicion of a connection between Major League Baseball and the Kremlin.
“Given Putin’s love of hockey, wouldn’t the Kremlin have preferred the Pittsburgh Penguins?” fumed an indignant Manfred. “They took the Stanley Cup this year.”
A CIA insider revealed that director John Brennan’s pointing his finger at Cuba. “Now that Cuba and the U.S. have re-opened relations, we suspect that Cuba may be angling for a MLB team. Given Trump’s threat to close that relationship down again, it makes sense,” said the anonymous source.
Secretary of State John Kerry declined to comment when asked about a midnight tweet from Cuba’s President Raúl Castro.
@PresCastroCuba Nuestros amigos al norte. No fue nada. De nada. (“Our friends in the north. It was nothing. You’re welcome.”)
Meanwhile, the Cubs have been sequestered in a locker room huddle exploring what a Cubs presidency might look like. Ben Zobrist, World Series MVP, was named the Cub’s presidential spokesperson.
“This is the first time in U.S. history where the oval office will be held by a team of people,” Zobrist said. “We’re still trying to work out the details. Do we have a rotation like we did in high school, when you got to be 'Principal for the Day?' Who gets the Lincoln Bedroom? Can we make hot dogs and apple pie the official foods for state dinners?”
Players are tweeting ideas for the first 100 days and monitoring fan feedback. First baseman Anthony Rizzo took on the issue of the national anthem.
“The most popular idea is to replace the 'Star Spangled Banner.’ Chicago’s favoring ‘We are the Champions’ but we’re not sure we can get the rights," Rizzo said. "So, we’re looking at ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game.’ Either way, it’s so much easier to sing.”
Jason Heyward, the “J-Hey Kid,” who’s been active in the Real Men Wear Pink campaign against breast cancer, suggested repainting the White House.
“I think it’s time for the White House to represent the changing color of America," Heyward said. "Half of America’s ladies, so I thought why not pink? This isn’t polling well. Maybe ecru or taupe?”
Pitcher Jon Lester reportedly wants a jumbotron and bleachers in the Rose Garden.
“Listen, we weren’t running for president," Lester said. "We’re sort of like a third party candidate team. So, we want to be transparent to the people we now represent. We want to live stream from the oval office and the situation room. America’s bleacher bums can sit there and watch, heckle us, push us to be the best presidents we can be. This is polling in the 79 percent range with a four-point margin of error.”
When asked how he felt about his team being elected president, owner Thomas Ricketts said, “I hope Harry Caray’s watching this from heaven. I can just hear him saying, ‘Holy cow, it’s a bee-yoo-tiful day! We all know the moon isn't made out of blue cheese...but if it was made out of bbq spare ribs would you eat it? Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?’”
Gretchen Martens is a DCH graduate who performs with Been There Done That and Brain Wearing Pants. When she’s not working as an executive coach and trainer, she writes satire for her blog www.PotatoNationUSA.com. She is finishing her first play, sanINity, an irreverent look at losing a loved one to mental illness.
(Image: Boing Boing)